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Mary Worth, 3/14/16

Oh, did you think Mary Worth had reached its apex with “Mary and Jeff tell the waiter at their favorite restaurant that the restaurant where he works is their favorite restaurant?” Not by a long shot, bucko. Here, enjoy “Mary and Jeff stand on a deserted boardwalk and talk about what makes New York so exciting. Is it all the things that happen there? Yes, probably.” You know where you wouldn’t see people wasting time with this kind of blah blah? New York City! People are too busy hustling and bustling to engage in this kind of self-reflection. (Ha ha, just kidding, New Yorkers are contractually obligated to turn towards the camera and say “Only in New York! The greatest city in the world!” when anything even vaguely interesting happens to them.)

Slylock Fox, 3/14/16

Hmm, as I read the details of this scenario, it sounds like Shady’s explanation of events is entirely plausible. Maybe another truck swerved into his lane and, technically, the traffic in that lane was supposed to be going in a direction other than the one in which Shady was driving. Who’s to say? Look at how eager Shady is to tell his tale to Slylock. Does that look like a shrew who’s committed a crime?

Dick Tracy, 3/14/16

This Dick Tracy storyline in Cuba is still happening, I guess? Today Dick is holding a bad guy at gunpoint and forcing him to piece through a pile of rubble by hand to find his friends, who are either terribly injured or dead. Dick doesn’t seem that broken up about it, though! At least he’s finally getting to force somebody to do something at gunpoint.

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Hagar the Horrible, 3/13/16

Hagar’s role in the 9th century economy is essentially parasitic, extracting resources via violence from peasants and townsfolk whose rulers are too weak or too distant to protect them. Naturally, in order to justify this position, he tells himself that everyone — savage Viking raiders and helpless serfs alike — is equally morally bad. Presumably he’s trying to set off a riot in this village so that he and Eddie can steal some stuff in the confusion.

Curtis, 3/13/16

Haha, sure, Diane, scold Curtis for his zombified Humpty Dumpty, but I know for a fact your book ends with the beloved egg-being falling to his death, shattered to pieces in a scene of awful horror. Who can save him? The government? Not in this fairy-tale kingdom, where the military is sent in to provide substandard medical care to its citizens! Barry will be crying his eyes out. At least in Curtis’s version you’re relieved when he dies in the end.

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Marvin, 3/12/16

Therapy is always, always terribly misrepresented in fiction, because why do any research on various treatment modalities currently in use when you just want someone to have a plot-advancing revelation and/or a sexy affair with a therapist? Still, even by those standards this is pretty dire. “Instead of just bluntly asking you what you think of Jeff’s mother, we’re going to play a ‘word association’ game to tease out attitudes buried deep within your subconscious, attitudes that you might keep hidden even from yourself. OK, here’s the first word I want you to give me your associations for: ‘Jeff’s mother.'”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/12/16

A fun way to think about Rex Morgan, M.D., plots is that many of them are about people’s petty personal problems that Rex gets dragged into, mostly against his will. Like when an ugly family squabble broke out a funeral, and Rex made this face about it! This week, Rex just wanted somebody to sell him a house full of valuable antiques at below market value, and all of the sudden he has to hear about the bitter fallout from some neighborhood elder love affair. At any rate, this certainly puts Franco’s claims that when it comes to the house he “knows every nail” and “the basement fills with water” in a new light, especially if you’re the sort of person who likes to look for double entendres in soap opera comic strips, which I very much am!

Gil Thorp, 3/12/16

This Gil Thorp basketball season storyline continues to be snoozeville. There is definitely an interesting plot to be wrung from “straight but not-entirely-gender-conforming female student athlete navigates teen romance” but this one 100% isn’t it! Today’s strip at least promises some sort of off-court fracas to liven things up. “I think that was the Milford kid we were hollering at the other night. Did you guys bring some throat lozenges? Because we should holler at him … some more.”