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Mary Worth, 7/4/22

Happy Fourth of July, everyone! Did you bake a cake for America’s birthday, like Mary did? No? Well, I guess you don’t love America enough, do you? (This sentiment still stands if Mary bought a sheet cake for America’s birthday at the supermarket, which at second glance she probably did. It’s the thought that counts!)

Dick Tracy, 7/4/22

For America’s birthday, Dick Tracy is reminding us that only AMERICA has sent manned spacecraft to the moon, where they discovered that the moon was inhabited by Moon People, one of whom, in this classic storyline, eloped with his son and Dick chased them there and then he did the extremely American thing where he’s shocked, shocked to learn that other countries (or planets) also have immigration laws and they apply to Americans. If I were in prison on the moon, I personally would want it to be an electric prison, because I’m pretty sure you need electricity to generate the oxygen I need to live, but that’s just me.

Pluggers, 7/4/22

Sorry to get political on here on the Fourth of July, everybody! Don’t get too mad at me! Reed Hoover also got political by claiming that hip-hop, an American-born art form that is one of the U.S.’s most popular cultural exports, isn’t welcome at a plugger’s Independence Day celebration. You can get mad at him all you want, but sadly it won’t do you any good.

Beetle Bailey, 7/4/22

Beetle Bailey is here to remind us that like any ideology, patriotism and nationalism are shaped by material conditions. When urging the U.S. to ease starvation in post-WWII Germany, General Lucius Clay, head of the occupying forces, famously said, “There is no choice between being a communist on 1,500 calories a day and a believer in democracy on a thousand.” The quantities here have shifted somewhat, but the point stands.

The Lockhorns, 7/4/22

The Lockhorns, meanwhile, invert the classic aphorism and make the political personal, every day. There’s no room for ideology in Leroy and Loretta’s world: everything gets crushed into interpersonal misery by the intense gravitational field of their mutual loathing.

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Mary Worth, 6/28/22

Has there ever, going all the way back to the ancient Egyptians, been a more perfect match between visual and narrative art as today’s Mary Worth? I’ve studied the subject and feel confident in saying that no, there hasn’t. The image of Dawn loping away from Jared in panel two is absolutely perfect, and the way her legs and arms are positioned lets you know exactly how mismatched her defiant words and her absurd running style must be as Jared watches her flee. Her muted bluish color palette and slip-on shoes somehow just add to her humiliation, for me. But then, how can things get more humiliating for you than having Jared of all people yell “We were friends before … we can be friends again!” at you in a public place where other people can hear it? Well, it’s only Tuesday, so there’s a pretty good chance we’re going to find out.

Sally Forth, 6/28/22

I regret to inform you that Sally and Ted never did get to swing with their hot new neighbor, because it turns out he was just buying the house next door to rent out to people who presumably don’t want anything to do with the Forths either erotically or socially. However, that doesn’t mean Ted won’t get to be sexually humiliated this summer, although finding out that your widowed mother has a new zaddy boyfriend with Celtic tattoos activates a very different kind of kink.

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Beetle Bailey, 6/25/22

What really makes this strip for me is how mad General Halftrack looks. Sure, he’s off golfing while his soldiers are enduring physical training to prepare them for combat, but at least he’s not enjoying himself!

Blondie, 6/25/22

I’m reaching an age when you start getting self-reflective, start asking yourself questions about what have you done with your one wild and precious life, and what do you plan on doing with it in the future. It turns out I’ve spent a surprising amount of time contemplating the Bumsteads’ bathroom situation. I’m not using that phrase as a euphemism — this isn’t Marvin, after all — but rather wondering about the actual, physical bathrooms in their palatial suburban home. You know, how many bathrooms they have, what floors they’re on, that sort of thing. Then, of course, there’s the question of why Dagwood only takes baths, never showers, which I guess may be getting more intimate than architectural. In that sense, today may be a big day for him. Is he finally going to try out this “shower” business everyone raves about? Or is he just going to have Herb hose him down every day for the next decade until he’s sure he wants to make the big shift? Anyway, I wish I could tell you that I will no longer be putting my energy into these sort of ruminations, but we all know that would be a lie.

Mary Worth, 6/25/22

A decade ago, Dawn got dumped by a previously unseen boyfriend named “Dave” and went into a hilarious weeks-long emotional tailspin, spending hours on the couch numbly watching Game of Thrones and mubling to herself in an attempt to ease the pain. It’s nice to see that in the indeterminate amount of in-universe time since, she’s really changed her whole attitude about relationships in a healthy way: now she only dates real drips, so that when they inevitably dump her, instead of getting depressed she just gets furious.