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♫ Gotta love this week’s top funniest comment! ♫

“Billy is setting his sights too high in aspiring to grow up to be a dog.” –lumaca morente

♫ And the runners up are pretty funny TOOOOOO! ♫

“I’m wondering how long the human statue with the sword can hold that pose before he has to change it. If he’s really that good, though, he’d probably be working at The Venetian.” –Fritz Goebel, on Facebook

“Hat on… backwards?! Mind blown.” –Adam Clarke, on Twitter

“In case you missed my big triton, I’ve got a triton belt buckle and a triton tattooed on my left calf (next to Grateful Dead bears).” –norbizness, on Twitter

“Prediction: Spider-Man spends no less than 2 weeks trapped in a giant clam.” –TheGiantHead, on Twitter

“Don’t bother changing clothes, honey. The Beachcomber’s dress code requires male patrons to look like vaudeville comedians from the 1920’s.” –Doctor Handsome

“So Peter’s spider-sense, realizing that there is a water-based supervillain on the warpath, has decided to make him blurt out that he wants to go to a tropical island even though he actually does not. Good job trying to kill your master, spider-sense. Too bad it won’t work, again.” –Laura

“Man, today’s panel is layers deep. Dennis has abandoned colorful pj’s in favor of a black tee, looking more teen than tot. Our beloved scamp is thoughtfully placed halfway between an innocent children’s toy and a trendy fitted cap from the mall kiosk. Yes, there came a time in all of our lives when our acts of rebellion turned from precocious to premeditated. Dennis knows he has reached the age of accountability and offers up a sober minded plea to his Savior before donning his red cap, grabbing his baseball bat and hopping out the window on a crime spree.” –Tonya

“Later that day, Mark returns to the sunken seaplane to conduct tests. ‘Listen up, you inanimate rods! This is a pop quiz. Question one: Are any of you emitting neutrons? Question two: Are you undergoing beta decay? Question three: Are you emitting positively charged alpha particles? Come on, guys, answer me, or I’ll have to get rough! Bonus question: Are you now, or have you ever been, exposed to ionizing radiation? OK, that’s how you want to play it, eh? Meet my crushing right cross!'” –Voshkod

“That gives me an idea, Ken: let’s call the coast guard or the EPA! I bet they have lots of geiger counters, better diving equipment, and the expertise to actually contain and dispose of radioactive waste! Ha ha, no, just kidding, let’s try to lure it into a bear cave, or maybe toss it in a hippo’s mouth…” –pugfuggly

Judge Parker: “All of this confusion could have been avoided if Neddy and Rocky had developed a written business plan, a written contract vetted by attorneys for both sides, and opened a business account with a bank. Instead we get make-it-up-as-you-go construction and business partners disappearing on a whim. This entire enterprise reminds me of the old Mickey Rooney & Judy Garland ‘Hey, kids, let’s put on a show!’ trope. I don’t mean that in a good way, because I can’t stand Mickey Rooney.” –I speak Jive

“Wow, Ken, did you ever look at your finger? I mean, really look at it? Now, what was that idea you said you had?” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“If I had a nickel for every time one of my nightmares ended with Carrot Top blowing someone away, I would be a very, very rich man, my friends.” –Jack loves comics

“Believe me, Toby, a person who wears an Astroturf sport coat is a lot of things, but ‘pompous’ isn’t one of them.” –TheDiva

“It’s a little late in the game for Toby to realize Ian is a pompous boor. It was probably noted in their wedding vows.” –Rusty

“Marvin ‘prepares to drive off with a full load’ and wonders ‘where he can dump his cargo.’ No, I’m sorry. This is too easy. It must be a trap.” –AhClem

“Wait! Don’t just walk away from me! I have so many more fake ice cream names to belittle you with! Like ‘Failure Fudge’ and ‘Drain on Society Ripple’ and ‘Mint Chocolate I Hate You So Much I Could Just Scream and Scream and Never Stop Screaming.'” –Joe Blevins

“I’m just going to assume that Mark Trail helped Lesley’s car in delivering a breech-baby calf, and she’s still traumatized from having to help lick the placental tissue off an infant Dodge Neon.” –Chip Whittle

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Mark Trail, 8/28/15

Oh my God, what did Mark to do this mysterious professor’s car that has her all icy towards him? Did he blow it up? Did he refuse to call it Dirty? Did he use it to store a bunch of nasty lesion-covered dead sharks? Did he punch it? Probably he punched it, right?

Blondie, 8/28/15

I eat a lot of gross, crappy science-chemical food-style products, but even I’m put off by the thought of a snack that would be shelf-stable enough to sit in a vending machine for who knows how long but could still be described as “gooey.” Dagwood’s eating issues are many and fascinating, is what I’m trying to say.

Marvin, 8/28/15

A Marvin strip that ostensibly isn’t about pooping, but where the title character uses the phrases “a full load” and “dumps his cargo,” then looks at his father’s open mouth, then stares at the reader with an awful, knowing smile? I can only interpret this as an open declaration of war against me and my truth-telling.

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Dick Tracy, 8/27/15

Under the previous Dick Tracy creative team, every plot ended with the villain dispatched in some completely nightmarish and violent way. They were burned to death, blown up, torn to pieces by dogs, had their minds erased by their own diabolical machines, plummeted into a smokestack, fell to their death and had their still-fresh corpse run over by a bulldozer, and, in the final storyline before the strip was handed off to the new writer and artist, were eaten alive by rats while begging for help. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that today’s strip, in which two bad guys contemplate the mangled body of their boss, who they just accidentally shot with a massive pistol, and his guts are splattered everywhere, and one of them is on the verge of vomiting in mingled horror and disgust, is really just par for the course, historically speaking.

Mary Worth, 8/27/15

Fortunately, all the violence in today’s Mary Worth is emotional, as Ian and Toby finally both admit exactly what they think of each other (“parasitical dilettante” and “pompous boor”, respectively). I’m just glad to see that the two of them set down their mugs of steaming hot cocoa between panels one and two. They’re going to want both hands free for dramatic gesticulation over the course of this argument.

Spider-Man, 8/27/15

Meanwhile, Peter and Mary Jane’s cruise is being menaced by some sort of terrifying sea-dick.