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Judge Parker, 12/24/15

Judge Parker Senior looks very excited about the prospect of the ceremony at which he’ll receive his major literary award taking place at some kind of Illuminati sex temple!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/24/15

Ahhh, I do love a good Rex Morgan pissyface. “I was prepared to tolerate a Scottish nanny,” Rex is thinking, “but I’ll be damned if I allow my daughter to be educated by the Irish.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/24/15

Merry Christmas, everybody! Here’s hoping you live in a community where you have easy access to basic preventative medicine and shelter from the cold!

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Crankshaft, 12/23/15

YESSSSSS, CRANKSHAFT IS REALIZING THAT NOBODY LIKES HIM AND EVERYONE WANTS HIM DEAD

ENHANCE

ENHANCE

YESSSS THAT’S THE STUFF

Slylock Fox, 12/23/15

Hmm, I wonder what the answer to these fox-trivia questions are? Let’s take a look and OH MY GOD, INVERT AND ENHANCE

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD

Mary Worth, 12/23/15

Haha, while Olive’s parents are off having animalistic sex, Mary will be busy turning Olive into a good Christian! It’s the perfect crime!

Wizard of Id, 12/23/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because those held captive in Id’s dungeons are forced to eat the dismembered remains of their fellow prisoners, like something out of the most nightmarish of horror movies, except this is a comic strip that runs in newspapers that aren’t allowed to print swear words or pictures of women’s nipples!

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Crankshaft, 12/22/15

One of the many things about Crankshaft I refuse to get emotionally invested in is the slow-moving romance between the title character and Mary, which is why I didn’t bother to discuss yesterday’s strip, in which he asked her out to a movie and then angrily insisted that it was too a date. I was briefly roused to anger today (which I suppose represents a kind of emotional investment) when I saw they were going to It’s A Wonderful Life, because a very early and meaningful date I had with my wife was to see that very film at the delightful Senator Theatre, and I didn’t want Crankshaft tainting those memories. The anger quickly faded into pleasing contempt, however, when I saw that (a) Crankshaft fell asleep mere minutes into their date, (b) Crankshaft is dreaming some kind of version of It’s A Wonderful Life starring himself, only instead of imagining a world where he was never born he’s just visualizing what things will be like after he dies, and (c) the most anyone can come up with in terms of mourning Crankshaft is that they “kind of miss” his hateful misanthropy.

Mary Worth, 12/22/15

Maybe the whole thing with Olive’s parents is meant to be sex-positive? Like, they’re supposed to be a young-ish couple with a healthy sex life? Sure, it always comes across as gross and distasteful, but maybe any sexuality in Mary Worth is going to come across as gross and distasteful by default?

Judge Parker, 12/22/15

I love how everyone is clustering around Judge Parker Senior trying to calm him down after he found out he might have to do more work to earn his ludicrous payday and he got real scared and mad. There, there, Judge. Don’t cry. An award! See? See this piece of paper? An award! An award from some WASPy sounding literary organization! The award is named after a precious metal! Shhhh, go to sleep, shhhhhh.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/22/15

Uhhhhh, perfect??? Has that baby gotten a six-figure book contract from a museum for drawing horsies even once? Back at home, Sarah Morgan sits bolt upright in bed, wide awake, knowing that battle is about to commence.