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Gil Thorp, 8/31/15

Not to be one of those people who keep saying “The good old days were good and the present day is bad” all the time, because those people are wrong, but there was one specific way in which the good old days were good, and that is that we use to get totally bonkers summer storylines in Gil Thorp. Those were the days when Coach Kaz spent his vacation serving as a security guard for an aging rocker, or when Marty Moon got golf-grifted by a Ben Franklin lookalike in a dumb hat. There was a brief return to form in 2013 with a zany senile pro wrestler plot but mostly the last few summers have been an uninterrupted run of dumb golf storylines; this year we didn’t even get that, with the focus mostly being on True Standish convincing his fellow big-time high school football prospects to ease up on having press conferences to announce their college choices, which was so dull that I’ve only mentioned the strip twice since the beginning of June.

But! That could change fast if the strip’s football-season plot proves to center on the long neglected Marty Moon, and change real fast if centers on a Marty Moon who mingles self-aggrandizement and self-loathing while day drinking alone and talking to nobody in particular. Throw in some sort of terrible “reality series for braniacs” B-plot and my expectations are suddenly so high that they’re guaranteed to be dashed in short order!

Crankshaft, 8/31/15

I’m pretty impressed by the rapid cycling from manic glee to abject horror between panels two and three here. “Seriously? You’re … participating in the democratic process? Oh, God, guess it’s finally time to throw the Constitution in the garbage and admit that this country’s centuries-long experiment in self-government is an abject failure.”

Funky Winkerbean, 8/31/15

Remember when you were young, and each additional year gained you social status and physical might that you could use to impose your violent will on your inferiors? Now the passage of time just brings you closer to the blessed end of your current suffering.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/30/15

Guys, let me take you on a magical journey back to 2007, when Milton Avery, not yet demented, was presumed dead after his plane crashed into the Atlantic. Heather’s stepson Hugh, who had never met Heather but was the same age as her and referred to her as a “gold-digging nanny,” immediately attempted to seize control of the Milton’s company, which Heather and company factotum Pete attempted to prevent, with help from Rex. Our heroes succeeded via confusing boardroom skullduggery; eventually, Heather and Hugh made peace, Milton turned out to not be dead after all and, in a plot point I never quite understood, Pete was secretly trying to kill everybody the whole time.

ANYWAY, here we are a mere eight years later, and Heather is apparently planning to use the last shreds of Milton’s lucidity in a heist-like manuever to gain control of the company for good, right under the nose of Avery International’s taco (?) loving security staff. Presumably once her poor husband manages to smile amiably and sign whatever documents the lawyers put in front of him, he’ll be bundled off to a drafty castle in his native Britain, to “rest,” while Heather runs (and profits from) his financial empire. The only question is how Jordan will attempt to betray her.

Mary Worth, 8/30/15

Meanwhile, Toby is leaving Ian and taking all the linens with her. Sheets? Towels? Pillowcases? You won’t have access to any of those in your new post-marital existence, Ian. Hope you enjoy getting out of the shower and flopping your soggy body onto your uncovered mattress, because that’s your life now.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/30/15

“You know what they say: I keep getting older, I keep using increasingly transparent philosophical maunderings to justify my sexual obsession with teenage girls!”

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Family Circus, 8/29/15

Ma and Pa Keane are honestly not very good at keeping their children’s minds from being contaminated by content from outside the Keane Kompound. Why, here little Dolly and Jeffy are being allowed to watch a bearded jazz-man play his devilish tunes! They could even be taping this on the VCR and watching it repeatedly if they wanted! Don’t their parents know that the line that begins with Dave Brubeck leads directly to morphine addiction?

Mary Worth, 8/29/15

NOOOOOO IAN AND TOBY, DON’T GET DIVORCED! YOU’RE AMERICA’S SWEETHEARTS! I feel like because I cheered on their fight for my own entertainment I’m at least partially responsible for this.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/29/15

If Les can’t be fired for being a smug, grandiose dick, maybe he can be fired for pushing religion in public schools.