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Funky Winkerbean, 7/28/15

Well, finally! Lisa Crawford (décédé Moore), Funky Winkerbean‘s axis, muse, and paragon — and the only remotely plausible justification for this tedious time-travel story — puts in her appearance, and her friends handle it with their usual grace.

Lisa became quite the saucy gamine in the runup to her miserable death, but this is Original Lisa — mousy, hunched over, and perpetually chilly despite her enormous shapeless cardigan. After all, the Funky Winkerbean audience can easily buy into a high-school locker time travel story, but a hot chick going for Les crosses a line.

Judge Parker, 7/28/15

Of course Dalton has something for Sam — because no Judge Parker story can end before the Bestowing of the Gifts.

Archie, 7/28/15

Say, is that Jughead’s Dad, Jones père? I don’t believe we’ve seen him before! Anyway, Mr. Jones is a dead-eyed drone who wants to crush his son’s youthful exuberance and joy in a beautiful summer day!

That’s it for me — Josh will be back tomorrow with the very latest in newspaper comics mockery. Thanks for a fun time!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 7/27/15

Welp, the good news is Adam and Terry are finally out of the water, but the bad news is that’s all the Pool Party we get this time around. However, the great news is it looks we’re starting Ian-centric story arc, and those are the best.

“University Directors” are usually directors of something, like athletics or media services. We don’t know what Hilton Berkes directs, but judging from how hard Ian is sucking up to him it must be pretty important. Maybe UCSR got tired of all the Ian-related accidents, lawsuits, and media embarrassments and appointed a full-time Director of Professor Ian Cameron to shadow him day and night and tell him what to do. That explains Ian’s enthusiasm — he’s hoping the guy will give him real-time sex guidance during his next squalid, doomed attempt to make love to his wife.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/27/15

OMG you guys it’s beloved ancillary Rex Morgan character Heather! Heather used to be Sarah’s nanny, until she married captain of industry Milton Avery way the heck back in 2004. Since then, Heather has overcome every obstacle put in her path, while Milton has strangely declined in both mind and body. It’s pretty clear she’s been poisoning him to take over his empire, and she’s going to keep at it ’til it stops being fun.

Apartment 3-G, 7/27/15

Say, you know who else is making a new beginning? Lu Ann! What, did you think “Margo,” how can that be, do you see Margo anywhere around?

Anyway, Lu Ann wants to make a new start, so obviously the first step is to give somebody her share of the apartment, but the Professor somehow won’t let her do it. Now, the three women somehow collectively own their building. So I don’t why Papagoras has any say in the matter, unless he directs her life like he’s Hilton Berkes or something, or all Svengali-like got her hooked on drugs. Which he totes could do, he’s done it before.

Blondie, 7/27/15

Hey, you know those lazy comic strips that end with one character telling another one how funny their joke was? Well, this is the passive-aggressive inverse of that, and it’s no better.

— Uncle Lumpy

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The Phantom, 7/26/15

When we last saw Maurice, he was an unranked minion sleeping through his boss’s crash landing after a botched mission to kill the Phantom. You would expect such a terrible minion to be fired or at least killed, but co-branding agreements with a certain movie franchise have given minions everywhere second chances and promotions. Unfortunately, it hasn’t given Maurice sense enough to know which side of that door you want to be on when it closes.

The “Man who cannot die” has made a lot of enemies in his 479 years. There’s the Singh Brotherhood of Pirates, his Dad’s murderers, who date from before Bangalla moved from South Asia to Africa. And of course Chatu, the Wambesi terrorist who imprisoned Diana and now chills in tribal Supermax between Phantom beat-downs. Eric Sahara (The Nomad!) is subbing for Chatu during the latter’s sabbatical, but it doesn’t seem to be going well.

You know, daily Phantom is standing around spectating at Guran’s win-by-losing triumph in the Chief Derby, and Sunday Phantom is standing around spectating at the Nomad vs. Chatu gunathlon. Seems like the guy’s heart just isn’t in it anymore. Maybe it’s time to retire, let Heloise take her rightful place, and do color commentary.

Curtis, 7/26/15

Barry is an alternate-universe Curtis with the hero/tormentor and other roles subtly reversed. Here, Bizarro Derek and “Onion” deal out rough pool justice to history’s worst brother since Cain. And Ladies and Gentlemen, the hat is off!

Judge Parker, 7/26/15

Judge Parker seems hell-bent on making Neddy the sympathetic character because she was forced — forced — to turn down Mark’s proposal. And she feels terrible about it. What could that bastard have been thinking, to propose just like that for no reason at all!? And then leave in a huff. A goddamn HUFF the son of a bitch!!! Why do these terrible things keep happening to Neddy?

— Uncle Lumpy