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Crankshaft, 11/9/16

I think I speak for all Americans when I say I’m glad this election is over with! Now we can get back to normal, everyday life: instead of having to listen to Crankshaft rant about how all politicians are criminals, we get to listen to him rant about how women these days all dress like whores.

Mary Worth, 11/9/16

Because I’m a monster, the first thing I thought of after reading Wilbur saying “We could explore the world together” is that would be funny if he followed it up with “…you know, sexually.” Because I hate myself, I then thought, “Are there other Wilbur quotes that would be equally funny ending with ‘…you know, sexually’?” And because I’m dedicated to bringing the real truth about the comics pages to you, I went through my archives to test my hypothesis:

• “I don’t want to live life painted into a corner … you know, sexually.”
• “My interview subjects were very gracious … you know, sexually.”
• “Sorry. Didn’t mean to startle you … you know, sexually.”
• “We’re back to the scene of the crime … you know, sexually.”
• “I shouldn’t be alive … but I am! … you know, sexually.”

Yup, it checks out!

Mark Trail, 11/9/16

Wait, are we just going to watch this helicopter explode over and over again, from different angles, while Cal looks on in horror? Because I wouldn’t be opposed to that, exactly.

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Mark Trail, 11/8/16

Hey, remember how Mark got a couple of boats blown up while he was on the job, and then his boss wouldn’t let him rent boats anymore, so he rented a helicopter instead? Well, I’m not sure if I’m exactly following the action here, but it looks like a fireball from the the volcanic, ant-infested island where Mark and Abbey are trapped just landed directly onto Cal’s helicopter. Will Woods and Wildlife’s insurance policy be required to cover this accident? That all might depend on whether Cal’s able to testify in the court case, since I can’t really tell whether he died a horrible but swift death, or will have to live for years haunted by the sight of his beloved helicopter reduced to a mass of twisted, flaming metal before his very eyes.

Spider-Man, 11/8/16

Haha, it’s true, these guys are simpletons, and they can’t prove anything, unless Hank Pym has a voice-activated tape recorder in the same pocket as his enlarging spray! You know how superheroes are always leaving villains tied up for cops to find, but then end up fighting those same villains again a few months later? Well, the reasons for that are starting to become clear.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/8/16

Heh heh, these two old flames are rekindling their love in their golden years. Frankie’s sinister plan is going exactly … as … he … intended.

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Dennis the Menace, 11/7/16

• September 28, 2008: Dennis is illiterate
• April 2, 2012: Dennis is literate, but pities Joey’s illiteracy
• November 7, 2016: Dennis attempts, in his own idiosyncratic way, to teach Joey how to read

I can’t decide if Dennis’s personal journey, followed by his decision to invite his best friend into the wonderful world of reading, is sweet and not menacing at all, or extremely menacing. Why do they need to be able to write and read messages to each other? What are they up to?

Dick Tracy, 11/7/16

Vic the zookeeper sure took a quick turn from “you’re a hood and your political career is evidence of that” to “holy gee, look at all them simoleons!,” and now we know why: he has a terrible gambling problem! I’m not really sure how this high-stakes kitchen card game relates to proposals to put American citizens with alien DNA in internment camps, but, you know, maybe Dick Tracy is about to abruptly shift to a narrative style like Richard Linkletter’s Slacker, where we follow a character from one setting to another and then follow a new character from that setting to the next, and so on. Like, maybe after the game’s over we’ll find out about the beardy dude’s home life, and then see what drama his tween daughter is dealing with at school the next morning. It’d be a nice change of pace, honestly!

Hi and Lois, 11/7/16

Oh man, Lois looks furious. That black armband is a clue: one of her fellow scrapbookers was recently killed in a vicious drive-by stitching, another casualty in the seemingly endless Craft War, and she’s still in mourning. That glue gun was intended to be turned against the quilters, but it looks like the first victim will be much closer to home.