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Funky Winkerbean, 4/8/15

Good news, everyone! The comic strip that brought you “Nordic” and “solo car date” has another phrase that you can pretty much figure out from context but is 100% not something a native English speaker would say: “Lewis-and-Clarking.” Like, I guess this means he’s exploring her … with his eyes? For purposes of commerce, and to establish a claim of sovereignty at a later date? Eventually leading a treaty with Britain dividing land claims at the 49th parallel? OK, I think I’m losing the the thread here a bit.

Momma, 4/8/15

Now, the lowbrow amongst you are probably giggling at the “organ” double entendre, imagining the gentleman is talking about his (and a friend’s?) penis. Really, I don’t know why you need to go into the gutter to enjoy this comic. It’s literally about a man so in love with a woman that he’s willing to bloodily sacrifice himself so that she could live! “Please,” he begs her, “dismember me! Pull whatever useful parts you need out of my still-steaming corpse and throw the rest in the trash! I want nothing more than for some part of me, no matter how small, to literally become part of you!”

Beetle Bailey, 4/8/15

Hey, have you ever wondered about the inner life of Beetle Bailey characters? Like, have you thought about whether they have sex dreams? WELL TOO BAD YOU KNOW NOW

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Herb and Jamaal, 4/7/15

I’m not sure who Herb is talking to on the phone here, as his only friend as far as we can tell from the strip is Jamaal, who is both unmarried and probably close enough to the family to know a little something about Sarah’s wardrobe. Thus, I have to assume that Herb, desperate to trade vaguely derogatory wife-anecdotes with a bro, has called some kind of pay service who will provide the simulacrum of male camaraderie. “Yeah, women, they sure like shopping!” says “Jeff,” Herb’s new pal, sitting in an muggy call center in the Philippines, following the script on his screen. I worked so hard in my English classes in college, he thinks to himself, and for what? For this?

Judge Parker, 4/7/15

Hey guys, remember when Abbey was pretty blasé about the prospect of Sophie buying a boy? Well, here’s some important historical background on that!

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Hello, Los Angeles-area or -visiting fans of me! Would you like to watch me do odd and/or funny things in public, this week? Well, you’ve got two chances to do so!

On Thursday, April 9, at 9 p.m., I’ll be doing standup at the always enjoyable Comedy Palace, at 2112 Hillhurst Ave in Los Feliz! I did this show last year and it was 100% a blast. Here is the Facebook event! Other people on the bill: Robert Buscemi, Michael Busch, Raj Desai, Stephanie Simbari, Barry Rothbart, Lizzy Cooperman, Gabe Delahaye, and Pete Holmes, many of whom you probably have heard of! And it’s free! Come and enjoy!

Then, the very next night: Friday, April 10, at 9 p.m., I’ll be performing for the very first time on the West Coast my beloved character Gary The Emotionally Fragile Substitute Yoga Instructor (pictured above)! Gary will be part of the Etch-A-Sketch show at the Loft Theater, at 929 East 2nd Street in Little Tokyo/the Arts District/whatever you want to call that part of downtown. Here is the Facebook event! Only $5! Come and enjoy!