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On this Friday the 13th before Valentine’s Day, please enjoy this comment of the week either in terror or love or both, as is your choice.

“A lot of hay has been made of exploitative practices in the banking industry over the past few years, but it’s about time someone went after their cozy relationship with Big Pen. STICK IT TO THE MAN, LOIS.” –Dan

These runners up are also funny/mushy/terrifying:

“Leroy appears to be chatting about Hell with a paunchy, middle-aged ballet dancer. ‘So, hey, Mister Sharpnose, let’s see you do some of those jumpy parts from Swan Lake!'” –Oregonian

“It’s okay, somehow, that humans have gone extinct in this world, because the animals here have carried on our greatest tradition: passive-aggression.” –Joe Blevins

“The only thing worse than starting the week with a peekaboo shot of Shady Shrew’s navel is the vague discontentment that it was meant as a pun.” –nescio

“A shrew weighs about 10g, so those little balloons could be enough. Why Shady is the same size as the gorilla is left as an exercise for the reader.” –Downpuppy

“Look, guys, you’ve somehow managed to develop opposable thumbs and are using transportation devices powered by basic levers. I’d say you’re all winners here!” –BigTed

Rex Morgan, M.D.: “When Rex says ‘That has to be at least an $80,000 car,’ he’s not being impressed — he’s asking June to confirm that it is, indeed, a car worth a minimum of $80,000, since otherwise he’ll have to ask that it be parked elsewhere so as not to lower the tone of his driveway.” –Shrug

“So Kelly has been driving Sarah around in the corpsemobile. Apropos, considering Sarah’s dead, soulless eyes.” –rbmalpha

“I love it when Margo plays dumb. What’s a show? What is this T.V. of which you speak? Who are you and why are you here, wherever the fuck ‘here’ is?! Wait, that last question’s kind of legit.” –Violet

“Outside it’s a beautiful spring day, but inside the bank despair and darkness reigns. Lois, swaddled in thick clothes to keep away as much of the bone-chilling cold as possible, makes an inane inquiry and gets an equally pointless reply from the person behind the counter. As the CCTV camera watches, they look off in the distance, doing their best to ignore both the sinister shadow cast by the cup crammed full with cheap pens and the terrifying black wall that separates them from the rest of the world. This is the hell to which they have been condemned.” –Ekudamram

“‘Getting older has its perks!’ Sean said out loud. Fortunately Hannah cut him off before he could add, ‘If this is a bad decision we probably won’t know ’til we’re dead.’ He felt a wave of relief that he hadn’t shared exactly what he was thinking. After all the wedding day was her day, and he was upstaging her enough already with his sartorial boldness.” –Spunky the Wonder Squid

“Tomorrow in B.C., the guys visit a bakery, where they get caught pinching the loaves. Then on Friday, one of the ants gets accused of cheating at cards when he drops a deuce.” –grsblvnyk

“At parties? I’m sure Lois is a real pistol in the sack. I imagine her, after going through the motions with Hi, laying there in bed. Beads of fake-orgasm perspiration gather on her forehead, her eyes as wide as those circular black dots can be. She turns to Hi and instead of vowing her undying love to him, she gives him a heavy-lidded expression and asks: ‘Why is our son’s name Ditto?'” –James in North Dakota

“I’m totally relaxed for this wedding! My pacemaker prevents my heart from beating too quickly, the Exelon I’ve been taking for Alzheimer’s is keeping me from light headed ecstasy and my arthritic joint pain is preventing me from getting giddy in any way. I … I feel nothing. Just an empty void expanding before me like the grim specter of my approaching death. And that’s … good now? Whatever, I am numb to fear, too. Getting older has its perks!” –Hogenmogen

“I realize that it can be difficult to draw things consistently from different perspectives, but the Mary Worth Trio (trademark pending) goes from looking downright sinister in the first panel to joyous in the second. Are we sure this isn’t some kind of storytelling trick, and what we’re really seeing is a group of similarly dressed villains descending on City Hall right at the same time as Sean and Hanna’s wedding? At least then, we could use ‘narrative convenience’ as an explanation for why Sean came dressed as the Joker.” –Brad

“Even more terrifying than a long-dead historical figure brought back to life through some dark necromantic spell, Momma is trying to force some Lincoln-presidency based puns. ‘Well, Abe, if I may address you, I’d like to make the proclamation that you need to unionize! Eh? Eh?'” –Jack loves comics

“It doesn’t look like Cherry shot that man with the intention of saving anyone. It looks more like she has no impulse control. ‘A pie!’ *eats the pie* ‘A bow and arrows!’ *shoots the first person she sees* ‘A hideous, malformed orphan!’ *adopts the orphan*” –wonkeythemonkey

“I’ve tried like four times to read this Apartment 3-G strip and every time when I get to ‘HMMM…’ it wipes out the past thirty seconds from my brain and I have to start over. Seriously, I can’t even tell you who’s in it or what they were talking about; there is only ‘HMMM’.” –MRTK

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Spider-Man, 2/13/15

So it turns out that Mysterio’s mysterious powers of flight come not from the supernatural, but rather from an array of gadgets! He’s mostly been cruising around on that thing that Spidey is dangling from in panel one, which yesterday he called his “nigh-invisible sky-ski” and which Spider-Man today refers to as “see-through” despite the fact that it’s blatantly the shade of bright yellow that you paint construction equipment with specifically to make it easier to see. He’s got a back-up flying device, too, which is a smart move when your primary flying device is structured such that it would be very easy to just, you know, fall off of it. Anyway, the best thing about today’s strip is clearly panel one, in which Spider-Man taunts Mysterio about what appears to be his awful, imminent death.

Gil Thorp, 2/13/15

Over in Gil Thorp, Max Bacon™ continues his quest for Adderall. Today’s episode tickles me because he’s blatantly leaving whatever the electronic version of a paper trail is in his attempt to illegally acquire performance-enhancing drugs, bringing to mind the end of this classic scene from The Wire.

Apartment 3-G, 2/13/15

This Apartment 3-G plot is supposed to be about Margo getting her mom out of the clutches of some terrible phony psychic, but that’s all unravelling because it turns out that her grift mostly involves soaking Margo’s dad for money to buy fun things with, and what’s the harm in that, really? Game recognizes game.

Momma, 2/13/15

Francis is a notorious ladies man, but his overarching goal is to avoid work at all times, so he’s not shy about using his sweet young body to charm whoever finds him charming.

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Mark Trail, 2/12/15

Hey, guys, remember back in October when Mark and Cherry got in some weird out-of-context longbow practice? Well, consider today to be context: provided. You could say there’ve been two Chekov’s Bow and Arrow Sets in this storyline: the first one placed on the metaphorical wall when Mark and Cherry did a little target practice back in October, and the second in panel one, when there turned out to be a bow and arrow just neatly propped up on this boat’s deck for no reason anyone has bothered or will bother to explain.

Momma, 2/12/15

How long has Abe Lincoln’s reanimated corpse been shambling among the living? At least since 1928, which was the last time he was able to pour liquid down his rotting gullet. Since then, anyone encountering this terrifying presidential zombie has presumably fled from him, screaming, in those few times when he stumbled into the light. Only Francis and his mother are caring — or foolish — enough to offer this unnatural history-golem their hospitality.

Crankshaft, 2/12/15

I’ve spent the maximum amount of time my own sense of dignity allows me to spend trying to parse a joke out of this Crankshaft and have concluded that … there really isn’t one? That doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it, though. If you don’t like seeing a slouching, sad-faced Ed Crankshaft admitting to his daughter that he’s slowly dying, you and I are very different people.

Marvin, 2/12/15

I know what the joke in this strip is, though! I guessed it right away! The joke is that Marvin smells like feces, all the time, and everybody knows it.