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Good morning, all! Just a programming note to let you know that I depart on vacation today, and your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be in the driver’s seat around here for a bit more than a week. I’ll be back with another set of comments of the week on Monday the 23rd. Till then, be good! This comment will have to last you till then:

“And nobody — not the characters in the strip who know him, not the 30 plus snarky commenters here so far — is the slightest curious about just why Sarge is in the hospital. All’s well that ends well, that’s what I always say.” –Dr. Mabuse

And the runners up! Very funny!

Judge Parker: “Only in this strip would a character be given a handful of diamonds and a sincere apology that she wasn’t given even more diamonds.” –Ratiocinator

“You know, most Canadian kids first learn about sex when they hear the snowmen they made in the front yard fucking in the night.” –pugfuggly

“Congratulations, Ari from A3G, you have successfully made me ashamed of the basic concept of the beard. Even Ian from Mary Worth couldn’t do that.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“Mark Trail, writer, outdoorsman, puncher of side burned ruffians and peeping tom. The peeping tom part would be disturbing, but given it’s Mark, it is assuredly not sexual in nature. ‘Ooo, yeah … No griddle for you guys, just a hot skillet … mmmm.'” –Kevin on Earth

“Dolly can’t even write a complete sentence without being overwhelmed by self-doubt.” –Guts Dozier

“According to grandpa-dressed-circa-1910, the number of ‘bro’ that should trigger a vicious Heathcliff attack is exactly 1.” –hognenmogen

“Sadly, sadly, the sun rose; it rose upon no sadder sight than the man of good abilities and good emotions, forced to endure his boss and his Iron Man-suited gallivanting, wishing nothing more than to be able to slip on the helmet himself and fly away, and resigning himself to the knowledge that his freakishly large hands wouldn’t fit in the rest of the suit.” –Chareth Cutestory

“I’m less interested in where Heathcliff got that rad ‘HEY’ helmet than in where he got a cat-sized martini glass.” –Doctor Handsome

“My guess, Dennis, is that he’d look something like that drawing on your wall. Pleasant dreams!” –Pozzo

Luann: “So this sets up the future of the strip perfectly! Rosa goes to Yale and becomes a highly paid, successful lawyer and Luann becomes her live in maid! Ha! Everyone gets confused because they always wrongly assume Rosa is the maid! What a hilarious and unlikely scenario! Hilarious because of the wacky confusion and unlikely because Luann is too fucking stupid and lazy to become a maid.” –Mikey

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And, just as an advertising program note, I’ve started using BuySellAds as a platform for you to buy ads directly on my site on a CPM basis. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Gasoline Alley, 3/14/14

Well thank goodness the violent chaos is over in Gasoline Alley! Now we can get back to the strip’s stock in trade: long, drawn-out hyperrealism that hammers home the ennui of middle-class American life. Look forward to the next six weeks of “There’s a problem with Sheezix’s tickets,” which ought to rival the mannered intensity of 2012’s “Sheezix tries to return a DVD player” and 2011’s “Sheezix tries to fix his washing machine.”

Mary Worth, 3/14/14

Wow, this strip is suddenly leaning pretty hard on the “Tommy’s salvation is a post office job” thing. Are potential employees so afraid that the financially troubled agency will collapse that it’s being forced to woo the unemployable to apply for jobs with paid storylines in Mary Worth? “Ex-con? Ex-drug addict? Career opportunities in the U.S. Postal Service await you! If you can make mail-related puns in your mind, we want you!”

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Mark Trail, 3/13/14

Haha, so, obviously I was right about Marlin being a terrible nogoodnik, and since he’s a Mark Trail villain he’s also a moron, keeping meticulous photographic records of him and his buddies doing illegal things. It seems Jessica isn’t implicated in the nefariousness, though; presumably this sinister, silent army of pelicans that she’s nursed back to health has been trained to obey her every command and will unleash hell on the boyfriend who betrayed her trust.

Heathcliff, 3/13/14

Wow, so Heathcliff’s dad isn’t the only one in the family who’s an actual convicted felon! It actually minimizes my respect of Heathcliff as a notorious badass that he feels like he needs to kiss his parole officer’s ass like this. Look how badly he’s sweating! Is he afraid he’s going to fail his drug test?

Slylock Fox, 3/13/14

The relationship between sapient predator and prey animals in this strip is not, in my opinion, adequately explored, though today’s Six Differences offers some tantalizing hints. Based on that wolf’s facial experession, I’m guessing he’s watching some kind of sleazy porn for carnivores. “Oh, my,” says the pig, as he slowly unbuttons his tuxedo, “I certainly am feeling plump, juicy, and succulent today.”

Dennis the Menace, 3/13/14

Wow, congrats, Dennis, you’ve actually summoned up a fairly disturbing scenario I hadn’t contemplated before! If I had to guess, I’d imagine something like this?