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Slylock Fox, 7/17/11

Oh, Slylock, it’s really getting to be kind of a compulsion with you, isn’t it? You could have just gone over to the two chatty she-beavers and asked, “Excuse me, are one of you Benny’s wife?” Or, even better, you could have just gotten your hands dirty for once and helped find the contact lens yourself. (Max is helping! For once, the dumb detective stereotype magnifying glass you guys haul around with you is useful!) But no, you’ve gotta be all “Ah! Benny, don’t tell me which of those ladies is your wife, because I can figure it out myself … with logic!” You’re impressing nobody, do you know that? You’re impressing nobody.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/17/11

You’ll notice that I’ve ignored Rex Morgan for a whole month, because it’s involved boring old people and their liver transplants rather than the sexy mom/sexy daughter drama we were promised. At last, we’re finding our way back to these two … only to discover that their family dynamic also involves a hilariously belligerent punk rocker! This is just more proof that we need to focus on this storyline and only this storyline, from here on in.

Mary Worth, 7/17/11

Please, Dr. Jeff, do you honestly expect to win Mary’s hand in marriage while standing upright? You’ll need to get down and do this in the traditional manner if you want to have a chance. Sure, Mary knows all about your crippling knee pain, but, look, do you want to marry her or not?

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Mark Trail, 7/16/11

You guys, Mark Trail is getting serious, for a minute! John Thrasher didn’t hide up in the hills because he hates people; he did because he has a problem — a problem called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, though that’s way too many syllables for a Mark Trail character to say. It’s really too bad that John’s father sent Mark Trail to extract him from his mountain lair, rather than, say, a trained and skilled mental health professional. Mark is the sort of guy who believes that the best thing to give a seriously depressed little girl is a puppy. Does he think he can similarly cure John’s PTSD by giving him a new pet? Because that would be ridicu … OH MY GOD OH MY GOD MARK TRAIL IS GOING TO RIP OFF THE FUNKY WINKERBEAN TRAINED DOGS HELPING TRAUMATIZED VETS STORYLINE!!!

Crankshaft, 7/16/11

I like the fact that Crankshaft is saying that he’s going to “break,” here. That’s the language of extreme interrogation methods, and it implies that this heat wave is actually God’s way of literally torturing Crankshaft, which I’m in favor of for obvious reasons.

Herb and Jamaal, 7/16/11

It’s also possible that Herb just has a really terrible sense of humor, which, considering he’s one of the protagonists of Herb and Jamaal, is probably the most likely scenario here.

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Wait, did I talk about how hot it was last week? Well, it’s still hot, isn’t it? Anyhoo, here’s your comment of the week.

“Wait, Ziggy is a mammal? I hereby renounce my membership.” –BigTed

And the runners up! Very amusing!

“I was going to comment on the fact that self-serve gas stations are considered a modern development in Hi’s town. Then I got distracted by his grocery store purchases, which include two carrots, a quart of something beige, and an ostrich egg.” –Esther Blodgett

How much to just listen? My wife will know me by the silence and heavy breathing!” –js

“I only wish this Archie was the start of an Inglorious Basterds homage which culminates in alternate history machine gun assassination of Jughead, history’s greatest monster.” –Dennis the Two and a Half Menace

“I find the Clean-Cut-Kids Gang’s plans for their loot to be kind of sweetly modest: ‘We’ll throw a big party! Heck, just by fencing the television sets, we can get the best plastic cups that money can buy! And no more buttercream frosting for us. It’s ganache all the way!'” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“I’m pretty sure Ziggy’s fish is just giggling childishly at the word ‘Dick.’ And he’s right, that’s by far the funniest thing that’s ever been in the strip.” –Doctor Handsome

“How does one sexually harass a Luann character? By telling them there’s more to sex than double entendres?” –Dan

“Tiffany and Toni, like Liz in FOOB, have naturally plump, pale, ‘Luscious Lips o’ Loveliness®’ because LOOK AT ME I AM ATTRACTIVE. Ann’s lips are dark because she wears lipstick. Like a WHORE.” –Uncle Lumpy

“Does Dr. Jeff realize he now has to go ahead and *hold* the fundraising dinner? ‘People have expressed interest … our work here is done!'” –ks

“Les is smirking because of the man’s effrontery: ‘Does he compare his love for his wife with the profundity of my passion for Lisa? What fools these mortals be! Does he know that when they make love, his wife closes her eyes and fantasizes that Chemosabe is me? Because every woman craves me and my sincerity!’ And fifty other sentences that express the fullness of Les’s self-absorption.” –Droopy Says

“I like to think that the jagged dividing line is actually trying to attack Lu Ann in today’s Apartment 3-G for her unbelievably boring dialogue.” –Alan’s Addiction

“So, while Alan is basking in a hero’s adulation for — what? falling on a giant bed and not dying? — our Baby-Killer Contract Babe is being strapped to a gurney and whisked off to Bellevue where she’ll be connected to a continuous IV drip of Klonopin and Haldol, spending the rest of her days counting the cracks in the ceiling and mumbling incomprehensibly to herself. And does Alan — who 10 minutes prior was telling said BBCB his life story to show her how much he cares about her — ask about her or show any curiosity over what might have taken place on the roof after his pratfall? No: he’s too busy defacing Fire Department property.” –Mudhead

“I finally caught up on the last week of Mary Worth. Why didn’t anyone tell me I missed absolutely nothing?” –Gene S.

Mark Trail: “I could watch this scene unfold for another couple days, easy. Wouldn’t it be great if Rusty became entrapped under the getaway van?” –ArchieNemesis

“I think we’re being too hard on Ann Eiffel. The poor woman is just looking for a little love and the fact that she is looking for it to happen with Brad DeGroot proves that she has either hit rock-bottom or is insane or something. She needs our sympathy, not our scorn.” –Terrapin

“You’re too late, Dr. Jeff … look at Mary’s skirt in panel one. Her heart belongs to Zorro!” –Mumblix Grumph

‘Get in!’ ‘Uhm, no thanks, Mr. Toad. I’ve heard about your wild rides.'” –Dood

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