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Mark Trail, 3/29/14

OK, fine, I haven’t been keeping you properly up to date on the doings in Mark Trail, but at least I’m letting you know when Mark finally gets around to punching someone! Let’s all … wait, what? That’s … that’s not Mark’s fist? That’s Mark’s face? Oh, man, I gotta … I gotta lay down. Gotta rest up. Rest up for next week. There’s gonna be all kinds of punching next week. Mark hasn’t been punched in a while. You can tell from the dust cloud that puffs out from where Marlin’s fist makes impact. He’s not going to like this. Not one bit.

Apartment 3-G, 3/29/14

Wait, did Lily the deer just say “bleat”? Jeez, the forest animals are never going to accept her city ways! “I say, fellow deer, this grass certainly is more lush than what I’m used to in Central Park! Anything around here to wash it down with? Surely there must be a Starbucks nearby! Bleat!”

B.C. and Wizard of Id, 3/29/14

B.C. did a joke about “haters” and Wizard of Id did a joke about “cougars,” in case you were still holding on to your will to live! The best I can say here is that at least B.C. didn’t try to draw a hater.

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Guys! I know this is super last-minute but if you’re in the Baltimore area and are looking for something to do this evening, you could definitely do worse than see me tell jokes in this show at the Yellow Sign Theater!

Ahem. And with that bit of self-promotion out of the way, here is … your COMMENT OF THE WEEK.

“Plus, and yes, this is beside the point, deer are disgusting, extremely commonplace, tick-ridden, tree-killing, diversity-reducing monsters. They do not need saving, they are doing fine, they are common and delicious and, in fact, they are actually extremely difficult to relocate so it seems very unlikely to me that this deer will live much beyond the end of its story-arc and nobody will care, which, actually, I guess is fairly common for anyone in the A3G orbit.” –Margaret

And the very funny runners up!

“Strange things happen in Heathcliff’s neighborhood whenever it’s under the watchful gaze of … whichever dark alien God it is that has the Pac-Man eye.” –Brad

“Welp, it’s pretty clear that Heathcliff is just aiming for an audience made up of five year olds, stoners, and us.” –Voshkod

“Max is not even paying attention; why would he? He understands the futility of trying to impose some kind of morality and order onto this chaotic world. His dependence on his fox protector requires his loyalty, but not, at least, his attention.” –Margaret

“If I ever go completely insane and have to be committed to an institution of some kind, I will collect every Judge Parker strip consisting of nothing except someone telling Alan Parker how great he is – strips that have no narrative purpose or meaning at all beyond possibly highlighting the crippling insecurities that cause Alan to overcompensate by acting like a complete wanker – and plaster my cell with them. Then I will calculate the Parker Ratio: the fraction of all strips featuring the comic’s namesake that consist solely of people telling Judge Parker how great he is. Then I’ll work all this somehow into my manifesto…” –Master Softheart

“With all the Uncanny Valley edge-of-non-Euclidean madness of this strip, somehow it’s the details that get me –- like that tattoo not following the dip of the muscle, making it look like he’s superglued a small plastic toy sword to his upper arm. Which might go a long way to explaining why he can’t find a job, actually.” –CanuckDownSouth

“No, things are much better ‘Downtown’ nowadays thanks to the distribution of donated sleeves.” –Kevin on Earth

Judge Parker: “After finding out that his host was a CIA-trained international arms dealer, Alan looks … bored. ‘Are we already done talking about my book? I know you said you loved it, but can you tell me again which parts which particularly spectacularly awesome?'” –pugfuggly

“I know time is somehow dilated in the A3G universe so that minutes of their time take months of ours to pass, but it appears that several weeks passed between those two panels in order for Tommie’s hair to grow out from Failed Pixie Cut to Crash Helmet Monstrosity.” –elegantmechanic

“Looking at this flashback panel, I assume Mary is thinking ‘I hope I’m not too late with this jaundice serum!’ But who knows what Mary Worth was up to back in 2005? Maybe it’s ‘I hope I’m not too late! I hope Downtown isn’t out of crack!’ or ‘poppers!’ or ‘mescaline!’ or whatever kind of fix she was into in those days.” –Dr. Mabuse

“What you didn’t hear was the piano bragging that she has twelve G spots.” –Joe Momma

“Looks like somebody’s gonna be tickling the ivories. HEY-O! I’ll show myself out.” –Doctor Handsome

“Number Three is probably just barfing, or some other bilious release known to occur within human reality. It’s when Marvin gets up to doing a Number Eighty-Seven or Eighty-Eight that you want to really run, or at least put on one of those lead aprons.” –Ovis

“Dennis’ teddy bear has clearly heard too much. God’s appetite for carnage may be bottomless, but not Mr. Fluffykins’.” –Joe Blevins

“Why is Lu Ann so convinced Lily exists? Is the deer below waist-level or something? Is anything below waist-level in A3G? All I know is, I haven’t seen the deer in days and I haven’t seen anyone’s legs in ever.” –Gold-Digging Nanny

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And, just as an advertising program note, I’ve started using BuySellAds as a platform for you to buy ads directly on my site on a CPM basis. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Apartment 3-G, 3/28/14

God bless Lu Ann Powers and her willingness to embrace the utter ontological uncertainty of existence that most of us desperately try to keep at bay at all times. Are there towns up the Hudson from New York that sometimes exist, but then sometimes don’t? Maybe! It’s a crazy world! Object permanence is an illusion our minds create so the constant quantum flux of our universe doesn’t drive us insane! Will somebody find a “home” for a baby deer, even though nobody keeps deer as pets, because they’re wild animals who live in the woods? It could happen! She’s a very pretty deer! Or at least she seems so to me! We cannot trust the evidence of our senses!

Dennis the Menace, 3/28/14

Oh, come now, Dennis, don’t be coy! God revels in tales of carnage! Have you read the Old Testament? It’s all smiting this and plagues that and turning temples of rival gods into mass graves/public toilets. Tell him everything and spare no details!

Family Circus, 3/28/14

That’s some pretty sassy talk from an eight-year-old wearing a dress shirt and tie under a powder blue sweater, Billy.

Gil Thorp, 3/28/14

Well, it looks like we’ve hit our Spring Storyline Meet-Cute, where Lucky Haskins and Amy Lange will find true love if they don’t accidentally stab each other in the throat first. Also, did you know that wealthy people with very specific fetishes — languorous noodle-slurping, say — will pay good money to artists to “hide” images they find erotic in plain sight in newspapers across America? I brought that fact up for no particular reason.

Marvin, 3/28/14

don’t think about Marvin doing “number three” don’t think about Marvin doing “number three” DON’T THINK ABOUT MARVIN DOING “NUMBER THREE”