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Judge Parker, 3/16/14

How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable are all the uses of this world? Just ask Judge Emeritus Alan Parker! In the years since he returned to his strip, we’ve heard of the growing marital discontent he shares with his wife. He told us he feels old and useless, and we’ve watched helplessly as his compulsive risk-taking escalated from recreational B.A.S.E. jumping to jungle snake-handling.

The story ends, as all such tales must, atop a forbidden cliff in the Mexican jungle with the frenzied Judge turning his wife out to “rock the joystick” of some buzzing monstrosity in the hopes that something — anything — will let him feel again. Oh Judge, Judge — in all those years on the bench, did no one tell you about heroin?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/16/14

“All right, Becka, I suppose it won’t hurt to go over this again. As we’ve discussed, Dr. Morgan and I allow you to banter with us on a first-name basis because it suits our image of ourselves as friendly, egalitarian people. This is our little indulgence, Becka, not yours — and there is a line. Now, when I tell you that Paula John is an incompetent emotional wreck, that is not an invitation for you to defend her, or spew vicious gossip about the Dean — my peer — from below stairs or wherever it is you and your little friends hang out. Especially when you’re not meeting your most elementary responsibilities around the clinic. Well then, I hope you’ve enjoyed our little talk. Now get me those results. And let’s go back to calling me ‘Ma’am’ for now, shall we? There’s a good girl.”

Spider-Man, 3/16/14

Mary Jane manipulates her doofus husband without looking up from her crossword: “Hey, Tiger, what’s a six-letter word for ‘eight-legged parasite’?”

Zits, 3/16/14

This strip finally makes sense to me: Connie is Princess Leia, and Jeremy is Jabba the Hutt.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Better Half, 3/15/14

Don’t ask Harriet, Stanley — she gave up on dreams long ago. Didn’t mind the format so much; just got sick of the programming.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/15/14

What passes for joy in the Funkyverse: He’s Not Really Dead, Part IV.

Herb and Jamaal, 3/15/14

The Reverend Croom has figured out Herb spits in his food.

Heathcliff, 3/15/14

Oh man, is that a cat thong in the middle there? The neighbor lady looks pretty horrified; I bet it’s a cat thong.

Between Friends, 3/15/14

OK, so this is Between Friends, which mixes joke-a-day and soapy arcs about the lives and times of three middle-aged women and should therefore be called Among Friends, but that’s not important right now. There’s an unfulfilled stay-at-home mom and a frazzled working mom and childless divorceé Maeve here, finishing up a whirlwind European vacation and wrenching final breakup with her ex-husband by visiting her company’s Paris office and trying to gin up a glam new international job. So you can apparently do a lot more with the whole “3 Girls” concept than orphan deer and off-panel plane crashes, even when everybody’s Canadian.

Hey, I’m filling in during Josh’s mostly-annual Spring Trip West through Sunday, March 23. Let me know if the site starts acting up on you and I’ll do what I can to fix it: uncle.lumpy@comcast.net. Enjoy!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Good morning, all! Just a programming note to let you know that I depart on vacation today, and your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be in the driver’s seat around here for a bit more than a week. I’ll be back with another set of comments of the week on Monday the 23rd. Till then, be good! This comment will have to last you till then:

“And nobody — not the characters in the strip who know him, not the 30 plus snarky commenters here so far — is the slightest curious about just why Sarge is in the hospital. All’s well that ends well, that’s what I always say.” –Dr. Mabuse

And the runners up! Very funny!

Judge Parker: “Only in this strip would a character be given a handful of diamonds and a sincere apology that she wasn’t given even more diamonds.” –Ratiocinator

“You know, most Canadian kids first learn about sex when they hear the snowmen they made in the front yard fucking in the night.” –pugfuggly

“Congratulations, Ari from A3G, you have successfully made me ashamed of the basic concept of the beard. Even Ian from Mary Worth couldn’t do that.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“Mark Trail, writer, outdoorsman, puncher of side burned ruffians and peeping tom. The peeping tom part would be disturbing, but given it’s Mark, it is assuredly not sexual in nature. ‘Ooo, yeah … No griddle for you guys, just a hot skillet … mmmm.'” –Kevin on Earth

“Dolly can’t even write a complete sentence without being overwhelmed by self-doubt.” –Guts Dozier

“According to grandpa-dressed-circa-1910, the number of ‘bro’ that should trigger a vicious Heathcliff attack is exactly 1.” –hognenmogen

“Sadly, sadly, the sun rose; it rose upon no sadder sight than the man of good abilities and good emotions, forced to endure his boss and his Iron Man-suited gallivanting, wishing nothing more than to be able to slip on the helmet himself and fly away, and resigning himself to the knowledge that his freakishly large hands wouldn’t fit in the rest of the suit.” –Chareth Cutestory

“I’m less interested in where Heathcliff got that rad ‘HEY’ helmet than in where he got a cat-sized martini glass.” –Doctor Handsome

“My guess, Dennis, is that he’d look something like that drawing on your wall. Pleasant dreams!” –Pozzo

Luann: “So this sets up the future of the strip perfectly! Rosa goes to Yale and becomes a highly paid, successful lawyer and Luann becomes her live in maid! Ha! Everyone gets confused because they always wrongly assume Rosa is the maid! What a hilarious and unlikely scenario! Hilarious because of the wacky confusion and unlikely because Luann is too fucking stupid and lazy to become a maid.” –Mikey

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