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Crock, 10/22/13

Ha ha! It’s funny because the camel has been shot repeatedly. He’s in shock, of course, somehow unaware of his no doubt fatal wounds. The best we can hope for is that he’ll soon pass out from fluid loss without even realizing what’s happening; the alternative is a drawn-out, agonizing death in the middle of the desert.

B.C., 10/22/13

Ha ha! It’s funny because, can you imagine a surgeon who can’t tie things right? Can you imagine that surgeon sewing up the slices he made in your flesh after he cut open your abdomen? Can imagine seeing your freshly stitched surgical wounds suddenly unraveling? Would you stay alive long enough to watch your viscera sluice out in a great, gory rush?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/22/13

Speaking of medical professionals to avoid, maybe don’t see a nurse who’s all smiles talking about how one of her practice’s patients got shot in the head with a nail gun, probably on purpose!

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Mary Worth, 10/21/13

There’s some important historical context for this Mary’s-friend-is-a-hero-for-the-homeless story: many years ago, Mary had a friend stay with her and she got drunk and destroyed Mary’s precious swans and then she left in shame and ended up at the Charterstone Women’s Shelter, which as far as Mary was concerned was the worst place in the entire universe. How would Mary’s condescending attitude towards such places affect her relationship with someone who is dedicating her life work to homeless services? Fortunately, all has been resolved: Shelly no longer works with actual gross homeless people, but instead fundraises and hobnobs with rich and powerful people like Hillary Clinton. How genteel! This visit is going to be extremely spiritually fulfilling, but also hobo-free.

Slylock Fox, 10/21/13

Ha ha, yes, Rodney is mixing blue and yellow paint to make green … but why? Why is he ritually daubing green paint onto various mailboxes — green paint that he didn’t buy in the store, but that he mixed himself to create the perfect shade? Is he only pretending to be a devil-may-care ne’er-do-well in designer shades and a leather jacket, but secretly he worships the Dark Elder Gods with a fiery intensity, identifying the homes of future sacrificial victims using the Mark described in the Fourth Forbidden Book?

Momma, 10/21/13

This is the saddest Momma I’ve ever seen by an order of magnitude. In a terrible moment of clarity, Francis realizes that it will be years before he gets a scrap of approval from his mother again. “I wish I were dead,” he thinks. “I wish I were dead and stuffed like a bear in a museum case, so I could only feel this and nothing else, forever.”

Hi and Lois, 10/21/13

Lois wants to redo the kitchen and Hi doesn’t think they can afford it and Lois is mad at him about it! I’m … pretty sure this isn’t a “joke” per se?

Gasoline Alley, 10/21/13

Meanwhile, in “Slim is a hateable moron” news, Slim doesn’t understand the concept of foreign languages.

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Hello all! First, a huge thanks to everyone who contributed to the fall fundraiser — thank you! All who donated will be getting a personal thank you this week, but I wanted to express my gratitude to the world now. And thanks for being so nice to the hilarious Uncle Lumpy in my absence. He was kind enough to cull the best comments for this week, though I alone choose the top comment of the week:

“My name is Judge Alan Parker. You panned my book. Prepare to die.” –LP2004

And yet we all must admit that the runners up are extremely hilarious!

Gasoline Alley: “This revelation heralded a disturbing new turn in Slim’s relationship with Clovia. ‘I want your your tongue all over my face Clovia! No — more slobber! Yeah, oh, yeah, that’s it! … Now, bark!’ –Cloudbuster

Luann: “WHAAAAAT? Are you saying that Quill is both an Australian and Luann’s boyfriend?! Thanks for reminding me, I almost forgot.” –Doyle

Gil Thorp: “This will all be worth it if he’s silent because he has a really high, silly voice, and he’s tired of people making fun of him, instead of the deep, dark secret we know it’s going to be.” –bbofun

One Big Happy: “This is like the most relaxed, chill version of The Raven ever. “So this raven comes into my room/I fed him some breakfast cereal and made him sleep in a doll bed/No biggie.” –Joe Blevins

“OMG! Mary Worth is turning into a geriatric lesbian porno right before our eyes.” –Baka Gaijin

Judge Parker: “OH THANK GOD! I’ve been on the edge of my seat for weeks wondering what pre-dinner drinks these twats would order!” –pugfuggly

9 Chickweed Lane: “Wait a minute… absolutely everything in this strip except the occasional one-off involving Thorax or the cat is about the psychologically unhealthy assertion of power through sexuality. Nazism, classical piano, dance, prejudice against homosexuals, religion, the organized priesthood, the legal system, friendship, psychotic breaks with reality, secret government surveillance, veterinary medicine, furniture, language, clothing, education… everything. These aren’t even characters, they are walking, junior high school-level manifestations of Freudian mental illness with self-parodyingly pretentious vocabularies. How did I never notice this before?” –Master Softheart

“Luann has morphed into a blow up sex doll. Even as an inanimate object she has more personality than Quill.” –Everything Is Better with Monkeys

Luann: “If her lips go back to skinny after this dance, I’m calling complete bullshit. A priest told me it can’t be done, no matter what the Internet says.” –Esther Blodgett

Dick Tracy: “This is what happens when you install Apple Maps on your space coupe.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

Rex Morgan, M.D.: “Warning — absolutely NO ONE will be seated during the stirring glop-cutting sequence!” –Shrug (no coughing or paper crumpling, either)

Mary Worth: “Mary looks bored to death today. No wonder, since the subject has moved away from ‘Mary Worth is great’ for a whole ten seconds. I expect her to interrupt any minute now: ‘Okay, Shelly, blah blah, you work with homeless people or astronauts or zoo animals or whatever it is, I get it, blah blah blah, can we talk about ME, already?'” –Alison

Family Circus: “Last time Daddy picked someone to win that person lost and Daddy owed some big guys a lot of money.” –Liam

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.