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Mary Worth, 5/26/13

Oh, did you think that Elinor was going to react to her daughter’s betrayal with verbal abuse or physical violence? No, that’s not her style, you see. She’s more into faking various medical ailments. This will be her toughest challenge yet! Malinger, Elinor! Malinger with all your might!

Marvin, 5/26/13

Ha ha, Marvin isn’t fooled by his mother’s “love” or whatever. As soon as he learns to poop in a toilet, he’s going to narc her out! (Don’t worry, Marvin-mom, that will never happen.)

Crankshaft, 5/26/13

Pam would much rather just take her chances fleeing into the woods than listen to any more of her husband’s terrible jokes, and nobody can blame her. Run free, Pam. Don’t know where you’re heading. Don’t know what you’ll find when you get there. Maybe you’ll end up sleeping by a creek, eating berries and insects to survive. But the wordplay — the wordplay will stop. It’ll finally be over.

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Funky Winkerbean, 5/25/13

Oh, hey, I guess I’ve been neglectful of the great Darrin/Frankie confrontation because it’s been … kind of boring? Considering the air of menace that surrounded his earlier appearances, Frankie’s ultimate goal — to put together some kind of ill-conceived reality show about his reunion with Darrin (which, say, shouldn’t they be getting footage right now?) seems relatively harmless. The worst of it is that, since all right-thinking people are assumed to loathe reality television despite its massive popularity, this plot gives Darrin and Jessica the opportunity to indulge in righteous indignation, which is my third-least-favorite Funkyverse emotion, just behind smug self-satisfaction and sexual arousal.

Spider-Man, 5/23/13

Kingpin is a busy, successful entrepreneur, and in his best-selling business memoir Faster! Work Faster!, he taught a generation of CEOs how to extract maximum terrified efficiencies from their employees. But recent challenges in Kingpin’s career have demonstrated that there’s more to being a great manager than just cowing your subordinates. In his new book, Not Without My Minions: Why It’s Better To Be Loved Than Feared But Being Fear-Loved Is Best Of All, he explains that organizational downturns can be used as an opportunity to build loyalty in the face of adversity and gather a fanatically dedicated core team who will stick with you when times get tough. Have your personal assistant look for in the increasingly sparse places where books are sold!

Momma, 5/23/13

Ha ha, it’s funny because nobody likes Momma! I sort of expected that the doctor would be cowering in fear of his relentless hypochondriac nemesis, but instead he regards her with an evil grin, delighting in the way he’s unsettled her, which is frankly a much darker scenario.

Mark Trail, 5/23/13

Meanwhile, in Mark Trail, all this is happening, against a background of apocalyptic flame! Do killer grizzly bears really have adorable pudgy butts like in panel three? Because if so, awwwwww.

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Your comment of the week this week definitely falls into the category of “Wow, I wish I had written this for my own commentary”:

“Heathcliff’s hot air balloon rises into the clouds. He doesn’t look back. ‘He never overstays his welcome,’ says a woman wearing a skirt and blouse the exact color of her neighbor’s house. She has no hands. A white cat stands on two legs. Fin.” –Nate

The runners up are pretty funny as well!

“Beating up Snuffy is one thing, and probably understandable within the honor code of Hoot’n Holler. But taking the time to separately beat up his hat? That’s just cruel.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“‘Lasercane’? What, Kingpin misplaced his Bifocals of Fury?” –NotThatGuy

“Look at Marvin’s parents: they can’t even look at one another! Another comics couple being held together only by the whimsy of syndication and a repartee of open contempt.” –Black Drazon

“I’ve started reading Marvin’s (and only his) dialogue in my head using Morgan Freeman’s voice. And I’m glad I did.” –Damien

“Sure, Peter. Your old high school science teacher would be proud. The one who took you to a leaky nuclear reactor and let a spider bite you.” –Lorne

“Cherry doesn’t have to outclimb the mama grizzly; she just has to outclimb Shelley. And the fire, I suppose.” –Doctor Handsome

“I’m reading today’s Mary Worth as though Marie is being sarcastic and now she’s my new favourite character. ‘Did I stutter, bitch? Are you DEAF? YOU! MUST! BE! GLAD! THAT! BETH! HAS! A! BOYFRIEND! YOU! OLD! BAT! I have had it up to HERE with this shit!'” –Roto13

“They all thought it was cute, maybe even a little clever, when Coach Thorp started letting disputes on his team be settled in a fake ‘court.’ Three executions later, when Thorp was sitting in the principal’s chair and his ‘jury’ was running the school, they finally understood their mistake.” –Voshkod

“Glad is not the word for it. ‘Elderly Nicholas Cage’ is.” –blah

“I. BET. TOM. IS. A. GENEROUS. LOVER!” –revenge4Aldo

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