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Pluggers, 3/16/13

Cats are a species that are always suspect when it comes to Real American Authenticity, so naturally the cat-plugger tends to be an outsider in the world of pluggerdom. Speaking as a cat-type myself, I’m not sure what exactly this panel is all about — are there baseball cards that don’t come with bubble gum? are they “fake,” somehow? wouldn’t old cards sold at a garage sale have stopped smelling like bubble gum years ago, assuming they aren’t in their original wrapper? — but it’s fun to see how sad the cat-plugger is at having his wares rejected. Haha, cat-plugger, your attempt to sell off these tiny bits of your childhood and some of your furniture in order to stave off economic catastrophe has been met with only scorn! Why don’t you go back to gay communist France, with your bogus baseball cards?

Mother Goose and Grim, 3/16/13

One of the central schticks of Mother Goose and Grimm is that Grimm the dog and Attila the cat cordially despise each other, but even still, Grimmy isn’t a narc. He knows that snitches get stitches! (Or more stitches, in this case.)

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/16/13

Nearly eight years after Mary Worth threw down the gauntlet, Rex Morgan looks poised to be the first syndicated continuity strip to feature a graphic vomiting scene. Just in time for a large-format full-color Sunday strip, too!

Mary Worth, 3/16/13

You guys, I’m starting a new meekcore band called Beth Kinley, and the title of our first single will be “I’ll Just Have Regular Water (If It’s Not Too Much Trouble)”.

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Haha, when the city water department guys standing in a hole on your street tell that your water will be back “in a while” but it “won’t be days,” that … that’s a good thing, right? Anyway, just be glad that you can’t smell me as I select your comment of the week! (I promise I will be clean before performing in the Fluid Movement Glitteracy variety show Saturday, which you should totally go to if you’re in Baltimore. Two shows, so you have no excuse not to come!)

“I put the memory card from Rusty’s camera into my laptop! That’s totally a thing I know all about. Technology is … probably not a gateway to the devil’s asshole. Oh look, fishing pictures. Goddammit Rusty you made me break Amish code for this.” –Tophat

And the very funny runners up!

“Mary, you just spent weeks practicing solely to lift a heavyweight cake over what appeared to me several miles to a display table. Yeah, you just play the weak old woman card and get Carlos.” –Bluerosebud

“‘All-bran’ is the closest Herb & Jamaal has ever come to referencing a brand name. The joke still failed tragically, of course.” –Doctor Handsome

“I think if you take his sentence at grammatical face-value, Jamal is saying that he prefers defecating on women than ejaculating in them.” –pugfuggly

“If past close-ups are any indication, Rusty’s horrifying selfies must violate some kind of TOS agreement.” –Dan

“It’s going to be highly embarrassing for Rod Bassy when he has to admit to Mark that the wet seat cushion is actually proof of his incontinence.” –Rocky Stoneaxe

“…And there’s water everywhere! Ugh! That’s got to leave a musty mildew throughout the van. I’d feel bad for anyone tied up and being held against their will in such a place!” –Chareth Cutestory

“I like that Mario Gaddafi thought to bring a visual aid for his punctual daily Dick-baiting video. This guy’s really got his goofball-villain shit squared away.” –Doctor Handsome

“Pat the pig, marry the donkey.” –Dood

“I like really how Elinor is putting on her lavender smock with the grim intensity of a costumed vigilante suiting up for a final showdown. That her entire outfit is lavender reinforces this impression. Bruce Wayne’s motif was inspired by a bat crashing through a window, Peter Parker by the spider that gave him powers, and Elinor Kinley by the Jenny Joseph poem ‘Warning.'” –Herr Kommissar Denny

“What the heck happened to the timeline to allow him to finish a law degree in the, what, three weeks since the French shoe design story? Sure it will all be worthwhile if it marks a transition to the heart-pounding courtroom action that is the hallmark and narrative heart of Judge Parker — there is nothing more exciting than negotiating a Lloyds insurance settlement months after a Liberian-flagged container ship damages an intermodal crane in Galveston — but I remain confused.” –Master Softheart

“It makes people obald your every command! I mean, obey your every baldman.” –Chyron HR

“We are not certain why anyone would worry about Miss Spencer’s finances. It’s quite clear that she is merely dabbling in mid-scale Paris fashion — something that ought to be expected from a 21-year-old ‘art’ student with a $4 million flat in the Sixteenth and a trust fund. We are intrigued that the stripes on her sweater tilt precisely to the degree that said garment falls off her left shoulder, right down to the horizontal bottom stripe, producing a mild trompe l’oeil spiral that makes one wonder if the wearer is similarly out of plumb. Sheer genius!” –Fashion Police

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Free Will, the Orphan Temp: The comic that puts the laughs back in child labor — almost as good as Mary Worth! When the orphanage is privatized by the No Orphan Left Behind Act, a group of hard-luck orphans is forced by Mr. Parasite, the cruel CEO of Klepto Incorporated, to work an endless series of horrible temp jobs.
• Risk Taking Is Free: Hey Curmudgeons! LUJBEM FEJF (aka Jeff Knurek) has a new album! Risk taking is what Jeff does in his life and music. The diverse collection of songs takes you on his highway of reflection, celebration, and inspiration.

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Spider-Man, 3/15/13

Great things are happening over at Kingpin Laboratories! Under the inspiring guidance of the company CEO, Kingpin researchers are producing breathtaking innovations in neuroscience — with potentially profitable real-world implications! Meanwhile, across town, a freelance photographer manages, with some effort, to remember the name of a lawyer.

Blondie, 3/15/13

So it turns out that Dagwood’s inability to understand basic finance is just a symptom of his retreat into magical thinking when confronted with scarcity of any sort.

Ziggy, 3/15/13

Scram, Ziggy! Rats want to use your house for fucking!

Apartment 3-G, 3/15/13

Wow, darkness is falling on the city … pretty abruptly there, huh? I mean, in panel one it looks to be about mid-afternoon and then Margo expresses affection for another human and then an inky eternal shadow descends over new york, there is no escape and it is so so cold

Family Circus, 3/15/13

“All this suburban bourgeois bullshit that you think is important? It’s like you’re smothering my soul with a pillow! Just thought I’d let you know.”

Wizard of Id, 3/15/13

Ha ha, it’s funny because the dragon likes to eat his own poop!