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Mary Worth, 1/15/24

Well, thank God, surely now that this Mary Worth story has wrapped up in the most boring manner possible we can move on to something more interesting, and … wait, what’s this? Keith and Kitty are “giv[ing] in to their growing attraction,” right there in the car, front of God and Mary Worth readers everywhere? I can’t believe we’re about to see something so explicit, so filthy, that … oh, thank goodness, Keith just referred to food you buy at a grocery store as “dinner items,” no libido no matter how powerful can survive the sexlessness of that wording. Things are going to go back to normal (non-horny) soon enough!

Gil Thorp, 1/15/24

Ah, whoops, it looks before he even had a chance to menace Gil and our heroes, Coach Perm was felled by a swift punch to the gut from one of his own players. Welp, problem (?) solved (???), let’s go see what Coach Ochoa and the hockey team is up to for the rest of the week.

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Beetle Bailey, 1/14/24

I know I spend more time thinking about the logistics of what happens in-universe in newspaper comic strips than just about anyone else, up to and including the people who write and draw them, but I gotta say I find today’s strip kind of baffling. Under what circumstances would Cookie, who has to serve hundreds of people multiple meals a day, be inconvenienced by a freezer full of easy to prepare and tasty meatballs and find himself wanting to get rid of them somehow? My guess is that the original joke was something about forcing Sarge to eat his literal garbage, but some voice of editorial sanity decided that was too gross even for this strip.

Hagar the Horrible, 1/14/24

Today’s throwaway panels actually strike me as a genuine narrative innovation in comics, showing you what happens before and after the main action of the strip. And they definitely change the vibe of things: sure, we can all get a good laugh out of Hagar finally going to jail for one of his many crimes, but it is kind of sad knowing that his wife, to whom he promised a nice meal that he planned to pay for with the proceeds of his plunder, is gradually realizing that some misfortune has befallen him and is increasingly bereft about it.

Family Circus, 1/14/24

Remember, folks: the distinctive stench of the Keane family lingers on everything they touch. It’s extremely vivid.

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Mary Worth, 1/13/24

There’s been a few complaints from the commentariat that I haven’t been covering the end (?) of the Keith-Kitty-Brad-Sonia saga. The reason I haven’t is because it’s been dumb as hell, but to summarize, Sonia warmed up to Keith even though he’s The Man and not a fake vegan in a dumb hat because he knew how to play at least one Stevie Wonder song on the guitar. Has Kitty also picked up some hidden talents in the last 20 years that Keith is going to learn about? You know, like sex tal–no, you know what, I’m not doing this, this plot is ending so lamely it doesn’t deserve my attempts at ironic ribaldry.

Dennis the Menace, 1/13/24

I know Margaret is cursed to be this strip’s resident scold, but I’d honestly like to know how exactly these two landed on this topic of conversation. I assume that Dennis has just finished an extended riff about how his parents put him in timeout again and it’s not fair, man, which is somewhat menacing, assuming you consider “annoying” to be a kind of menacing.

Gil Thorp, 1/13/24

“Wait, we’re supposed to be playing to win?” thought Rod to himself. “Shit! I haven’t been doing that at all! What sort of leader am I?”