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Your comment of the week: Enjoy it!

“Not only does Kingpin hold the patent on the world’s coolest TV-anywhere-and-everywhere system, but he also owns the mind-control gas to make people watch it. COMCAST, do you read this comic strip? Behold, the new President of NBC!” –seismic-2

And your runners up: Enjoy them!

‘We have a confirmed maternal situation on our hands’ is probably the most Rex reaction to a pregnancy I can imagine. Did this strip ever show him proposing? ‘June: we share a similar degree of physical attractiveness and biological maturity. Would you not agree that it is time to formalize our romantic arrangement in a manner recognized by the state? Please respond within a timely manner.'” –pugfuggly

‘And how long did you study?’ asked the heavy-lidded Jughead, in his usual half-hearted tone. He very clearly didn’t care, but it was the question Archie had been waiting for. His time had finally come. His moment was now. The ambient noise outside the popular Lasagna Hardware store simply ceased. It was as though the universe melted away, leaving only Archie, his shite-eating expression, and his terrible pun. ‘About five … minuets.’ Finally. Now Archie could die, here, in this empty void, where he would finally have some peace.” –Roto13

The first thing I’m going to do is look for my dad, John Darling. I know we were talking about getting shelter for your grandbaby, but before I find a place to live and make my life with my husband, we’re going to find this man that I’ve brought up apropos of nothing. Segue? No thank you, I prefer to walk.” –bunivasal

“Mock the Kingpin’s Hypno-Gas all you want. It has done wonders for Daredevil’s posture.” –Everything Is Better with Monkeys

“The aesthetic behind feet photos is showing that the person was there, was present. Not exactly in the moment, since you’re taking the time to take a selfie of sorts, but proof that you were there. Like that time someone changed your clothes after you thoroughly shit yourself.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Today Crock manages to pass the Bechdel test. Spiteful put-downs count, right?” –Emma J

“Kingpin has missed one opportunity after another to kill Spider-Man and Daredevil, and his excuses are becoming progressively less plausible. I conclude that his plan is not to kill them, but to make them his guests at a surprise birthday party for his henchman. He knows that Henchy McSunglasses is a huge SM/DD fan, so the three of them arranged the whole thing beforehand. Kingpin is totally earning that World’s Greatest Boss mug!” –Steve

“Forget Facebook, Marvin — you should be posting pictures like that to your Shitter account.” –NoahSnark

“I still hope I die as soon as possible; I just wish I were aready older.” –Doctor Handsome

“Normally, I would abstain from commenting on Ziggy. What good could ever become of such an endeavor, right?” –tallyHo

“So instead of ‘car explosion’ they meant ‘victim of a tragic corset accident?’ Right? Because oh my god look at her waist. Good thing she lives on the moon, because clearly she does not need to breathe.” –Holly Folly

“Are Darrin and Jess smirking, which seems likely in this strip, or do they combine to make one whole, almost human smile?” –bemibet

“When Shelly becomes nervous, she farts. Of course, being a refined lady, the farts come out as wafts of strawberry-scented cotton candy.” –Perky Bird

“Sam’s disappointment in Sophie is evident on his face. This isn’t the way he raised her. The Parker way of expressing displeasure with traffic conditions doesn’t involve shouting at one’s fellow drivers. It involves a helicopter ferry or, if economic times are tough, building a private closed-access highway.” –Voshkod

“Nothing says New York sophistication like a novelty outsized driver’s license, so Ted West should be all right!” –NonnyMus

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Phantom, 5/3/13

I don’t expect any of you to understand what’s happening in this strip, seeing as I read the Phantom daily and can barely tell you what’s going on. But I am super charmed by the fact that pilot Ted West (who is flying jet airplanes for drug dealers, I think?) has a card in his wallet with a picture of an old-timey balloon on it where he refers to himself as an “aviation professional.” I guess sinister African drug lords really appreciate whimsy!

Judge Parker, 5/3/13

Say, remember when Sophie was a lilac pantsuit wearing spookily adult-like child-nerd, but then cheerleaders were mean to her and so she decided to become a cheerleader, as revenge? Well, as Uncle Lumpy once demonstrated, strip time flows extremely slowly in the Parkerverse, but that all happened like four or five years ago in real time, so we’re pretty much right on schedule for her to have flowered into a designer sunglasses-wearing, road-raging mean girl. I love Sam’s “OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I CREATED” look in panel three.

Marmaduke, 5/3/13

Aww, isn’t that cute! These kids think that if they find a little toddler and sacrifice him to Marmaduke, he won’t devour them too! (He is totally going to devour them.)

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Mark Trail, 5/2/13

Sorry for not keeping you up to date on what’s up in Mark Trail! The short version is that Mark and Wes flew off to go look at some sheep but then they crashed and Wes broke his foot and now they’re trapped and will no doubt resort to cannibalism soon enough. That leaves the ladies to chill back at the campsite! Don’t panic, Shelly, those wolves are perfectly harmless, not like the villainous wolves of several storylines ago. You should be more concerned about this mysterious pink mist that’s rising out of the river and filling up your tent and campsite, quite honestly. Is a mid-’80s glam-metal concert about to break out?

Dick Tracy, 5/2/13

Sorry for not keeping you up to date on what’s up in Dick Tracy! The new creative team has been pretty relentless in bringing back characters and plotlines from the strip’s storied past, and are now apparently moving on to the extremely wacky late ’60s period where Dick went to the moon repeatedly and Mysta, the daughter of the Governor of the Moon (no, really), married Dick’s son. Later she was blown up by by a car bomb, but now has apparently been … “recreated”? Except for her face? Whatever, any excuse to have a character say “No! I’ve had enough of your world! I want to take my family to my real home. Back on the moon!” is a good excuse as far as I’m concerned.

Beetle Bailey, 5/2/13

I’m a pretty big dummy about military stuff but there isn’t a single vehicle in the U.S. arsenal, past or present, that looks remotely like whatever Beetle and Plato are driving, right? Like, a mid-sized hatchback with big tires and double gun turret on top and some other guns randomly sticking out windows? That’s not a thing, right? Also, this town probably doesn’t have any trouble with parking because it appears to be one vast, featureless parking lot, though predictably it does have a lot of trouble with traffic flow.

Heathcliff, 5/2/13

So Heathcliff’s “pickup lines” are so effective that he has nine lady cats following him around in a neat formation, waiting in still, eerie silence for him to sex them up, individually or perhaps together? I’m not sure what it would take to make this joke funny, but adding a whole bit where he asks a lawyer for intellectual property advice isn’t it.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/2/13

Just leaving this here to remind you that Les’s creative endeavors have failed humiliatingly before, so there’s hope that they will again! Actually, the success of Lisa’s Story must gall Jessica more than it does the rest of us. “Hey, sorry my book about your dead dad was a flop! Did you hear that my book about my dead wife was a big success? I guess we know whose dead relative is better, huh?”