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Spider-Man, 2/9/13

HAVE NO FEAR, SAN FRANCISCO! Spider-Man has finally arrived to free you from the villainous Kingpin, and … wait, what’s that you say? You already have a superhero who’s come out from New York to protect you? One who didn’t hitchhike out like some hobo, and who probably did a little research to find out how you feel about certain nicknames? Huh. Hmm. Interesting.

Hi and Lois, 2/9/13

I admit that I hadn’t given a lot of thought to the question of who would have the planning and foresight to become the unquestioned warlord of Hi and Lois’s suburban cul-de-sac after society collapses in the Great Unravelling, but I guess Thirsty is as likely a candidate as any.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/9/13

Um … guys, present tense? He’s right over there and he can hear you talking, you ghouls

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Whoa is the COTW showing up here before noon? YES IT IS, CRAZINESS!

“Granny? That’s the best you can come up with? Heckling Mary Worth is not for the weak, buster.” –TheDiva

And the very funny runners up!

“How boring would a sentence have to be in order to not get an exclamation point from Mark Trail? ‘Hey, Rusty, I’m going to fill out my form 1040! I hope I claim the correct number of deductions! While I’m doing that, you can take a picture of some dock!'” –Legend of the Arctic

“You’re fired, Tommie. You too, Cheryl. Unbuttoning your top button? We’re not running a brothel here!” –Hogenmogen

“Well, sure, Josh, when you say it like that it sounds kind of depressing. Maybe the truth is something much more light-hearted. Maybe she’s been in a cult all these years and was finally able to tear-gas her way out of the compound in time to see her dad die.” –Esther Blodgett

“‘The Beauty of Nature’? I’m convinced! Volcanoes and/or rivers? Nature! Bismuth, a naturally occurring element that’s used in the manufacture of Pepto Bismol and also apparently your food coloring? Nature! Mary Worth? NATURE, DAMMIT, NATURE!” –els

“I, too, have a marriage strong enough that my wife doesn’t care when I choose to sleep like a hobo because I may be needed in a different city. Strong is the correct word, right?” –NoahSnark

“Mary Worth does not take prisoners. Because let’s face it, we’re never going to see an episode where she’s got someone chained up in her basement, living in their own filth.” –cheech wizard

“Is the moral of this story really going to be ‘practice your cake transfers’? The realization that I expected more from Mary Worth: humbling, and a little bit terrifying.” –A New Day

“Once upon a time, I was driving down the road and saw a huge flock of birds pecking at something in the road, like they do. When I drove close to the birds and they dispersed, I was able to see what they were pecking at. And it was fried chicken. Like someone had just dumped their half-finished bucket of KFC out on the street. That’s when it hit me. Birds. Flocking around the fried chicken like it was the holy grail. Birds! Smacking their beaks with the deliciousness of fried bird flesh! Those winged fuckers are nasty, is all I’m saying.” –amy c

“‘I’m feeling pretty strange myself.’ ‘It’s called an erection.’ ‘I know what’s it’s cal– look, I was doing a thing. Wait, I’ve got another one: wanna give me a stroke? BOOM. Seriously, though, we should have sex.'” –bunivasal

“I’ve read about ‘women!’ Is it true what they say, about them not having wieners?” –Doctor Handsome

“‘Okay, give me her name and I’ll find out her status.’ Looks like we’re in for a heartwarming episode in which Tommie learns about HIPPA.” –Nekrotzar

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Apartment 3-G, 2/8/13

I know I’m usually all about “What Apartment 3-G needs is MORE MARGO,” but I think maybe what with the last few months of this Margo Somehow Is James Bond’s Publicist storyline, maybe we need … less Margo? I have no idea what the current storylines for Tommie and Lu Ann are, for instance, if such things could be said to exist. Meanwhile, Tommie’s been so disengaged that she apparently hasn’t even met Greg, who is Margo’s biggest client, her across-the-hall neighbor, and (I cannot emphasize this enough) one of the most famous and visible movie stars on the planet. But I guess everyone’s going to have lots of time to get to know each other in the coming Margo In A Coma storyline.

Hagar the Horrible, 2/8/13

Now, we all have some fun around here with the fact that Hagar and his merry band are actually brutal, merciless barbarians who make a living off of plunder and murder. But that fact shouldn’t cause us to forget that early medieval Scandinavia was also a violent patriarchy, where women had to choose between subservience and death!