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Blondie, 2/13/13

Ha ha! It’s funny because … OK, you know what, I have literally no idea why this is funny. It’s funny because Blondie feels a need to project a facade of false confidence to her husband, but with her best friend and business partner she can stare the harsh truth in the face, the better to overcome adversity? Or, wait wait, is it funny because Blondie said “Kick it up a notch,” which is the catchphrase of popular television cook/pop culture personality Emeril Legasse? That would be much more depressing, to be completely honest.

Heathcliff, 2/13/13

Now, it’s been a while since I’ve read any Superman comics, but as far as I can remember he reacted to the presence of kryptonite by grimacing in pain as the life force was sucked out of his body, not by regarding it with heavy-lidded ennui while sitting a few feet away from it. Is Superman too cool to writhe in agony when exposed to kryptonite now? Are there any superheroes left who aren’t too cool for stuff anymore?

Spider-Man, 2/13/13

I guess there’s always Spider-Man, who’s not too cool for anything. “Something’s wrong! I’ve got to find out what it is! Are my sneakers not the right brand? Do I not listen to the right music? Are my friends lame? God as my witness, I will figure out why Daredevil doesn’t want to hang out with me!”

Gasoline Alley, 2/13/13

Say, were you wondering what’s up with Rufus and Joel’s dialectical antics in Gasoline Alley? Well, it seems that Rufus has decided to marry his mule Becky! Don’t worry, though, it’s just a trick to fulfill the requirements of a will so he can get some money, it’s not a sick sex thing. This is as funny/horrifying as Gasoline Alley will be for some time, so feel free to continue ignoring it.

Pluggers, 2/13/13

Pluggers may not have many friends, but they sure are on a whole lot of pills.

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Mary Worth, 2/12/13

YES! Mary and John have overcome almost no adversity whatsoever to TRIUMPH in their cake battle against other cake bakers! And they did so by working as a team, by joining together as one, by functioning almost as a single organism, by … oh my God .. panel one … MARY’S ARM IS JOINING INTO JOHN’S ARM OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THEY ARE MELDING INTO A SINGLE BEING. That look Mary’s giving him in panel two, it’s like, “Yes, John, soon I will be you.”

Gil Thorp, 2/12/13

Say, what’s going in Gil Thorp? Oh, you know, Scott is having a great season because of his magical peacock but he doesn’t want to share it with the other guys because it might be the reincarnation of his dead little brother blah blah blah BORING. More interesting to me is today’s revelation that the Mudlarks are beginning to transition to full-body fishnet-stocking uniforms.

Better Half, 2/12/13

Stanley may be too lazy to woo other women, but he can still fuck his food, I guess. It’s just lying right there on the plate in front of him!

Spider-Man, 2/12/13

Yep, this seems like an appropriate reaction to an offer of help from Newspaper Spider-Man!

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Hi and Lois, 2/11/13

You might think Hi and Lois’s art is simplistic, but it can really convey a lot of emotional depth. For instance, panel two shows just what a crushing psychic burden it is for Hi to even consider caring about other people’s family relationships or personal lives. And panel three shows Lois’s numb horror at the emotional desert her husband seems happy to live in.

Apartment 3-G, 2/11/13

“It’s me, Claire! Don’t sugarcoat it. You know I’ve been waiting for years for Margo to finally die and set me free of her tyranny! Is she conscious? Can I finally tell her what I really think about her without fear of retribution?”

Pluggers, 2/11/13

When pluggers duct-tape cardboard sheets over all the windows, they say it’s so the gummint mind-control rays can’t get in, but really they’re just sick of seeing how filthy their house is.