Post Content

Shoe, 11/25/12

Since the early days of this blog, I have been complaining that the bird-people of Shoe refuse to fully acknowledge their avian natures. Today is a prominent example, in which two barfly bird-men (barbirds?) talk about birds that are hunted for sport, and then imagine a crazy, impossible world in which they were hunted, as if they weren’t birds, as if they weren’t delicious, as if their plumage wouldn’t look beautiful when draped over a taxidermy form. No, instead, the Perfesser just cracks wise about how at last call all the hot fellas are hunted, by the sexually voracious ladies, which, I hate to break it to you guys, but the lights are up and you two are the only ones in there, and nobody seems to be hunting you, for sex.

Panels from the Better Half, 11/25/12

Your Uncle Lumpy has got me reading the Better Half, of all things, and I have to say that it’s … mildly interesting? It’s sort of like a distant relative of the Lockhorns, except instead of regarding each other with murderous contempt, Harriet and Stanley seem genuinely in love but also somewhat baffled by each other, and indeed by the world at large. Nothing in the gentle marital foible-themed cartoons I’d read up till today had prepared me for this nightmare, of course. Stanley’s enthusiasm over the fact that his corpse will someday break down to its organic components (if the flesh isn’t first torn off by scavengers) can be written off as eccentric, if unsettling; but once we see him rambling angrily about about great heaps of discarded, beautiful human faces mouldering in dumpsters all over Hollywood, we know that something very, very wrong is going on inside his tiny cranium.

Family Circus, 11/25/12

The innumerable dead are not thankful for much, but they are thankful for this: they have been spared knowledge of Jeffy.

Post Content

Mary Worth, 11/24/12

Oh my goodness, Mary. You … you really want to do this? It seems like you want to do this. Fine. Everyone, once upon a time — 2006, to be exact — there was a Mary Worth storyline that involved a man who wanted to be more than friends with Mary, and it was a very important moment in the history of this blog. Click any of the links below, for the Glory and the Majesty!

• Aldo Kelrast moved into Charterstone and immediately started saying skeevy things about Mary’s lovely hands.
• Turns out he was attracted to Mary because she looked just like his dead wife (marginally less creepy than Dawn looking like Jim’s dead sister, we guess?).
• Mary told him she wanted to be just friends with him. Actually, her exact words were that “it’s best if we don’t socialize too closely.”
• Nevertheless, he kept hanging around, so she had to be a little blunter.
• Eventually, she resorted to talking like one of those ethnic gangsters from the movies in an attempt to deter him.
• It got bad enough that Mary’s friends all staged an intervention, as if that were a way that people dealt with stalkers they barely knew in real life.
• The shame of it all drove Aldo — a recovering alcoholic who had given up the booze after his wife slipped and died in the bathtub when he was passed out drunk — directly to the liquor store.
• Getting drunk and then getting behind the wheel of a car? Amateur stuff. Aldo got behind the wheel of a car and then got drunk.
• Oops, maybe not such a good idea!
• Could he really be dead? Yep!
• Our heroes felt kind of bad about this.
• But pretty soon they were able to rationalize it.
• Then Mary went and put flowers on his grave, as a final “screw you, stalk-o.”

This — this — is the backstory to what Mary is telling Dawn. If the friendship is strong enough, your aggressive paramour will understand that no means no. And if he isn’t … well, are you ready to kill, Dawn? Kill in a way that leaves no trail back to you? Because that’s what it takes, Dawn. That’s what it takes.

Beetle Bailey, 11/24/12

I normally don’t care to know any of the backstory to the half-hearted hijinks of Beetle Bailey, but I admit this one has me curious. How long was General Halftrack followed around by an eager documentarian? Do you think he knew in his heart of hearts that it had gone badly, or had he deluded himself until this moment that he’d look like a hero to movie-going audiences everywhere? Is the titular Disaster at Camp Swampy a single, disastrous incident that was caught on film, or is it referring to the metaphorical, slow-motion disaster that’s so all-pervasive that the soldiers stationed there won’t be able to recognize it until they see it on the big screen?

Archie, 11/24/12

Ha ha, I love how angry Reggie is at the space monsters, for failing to open diplomatic relations with Earthlings. “How dare these extraterrestrial chumps refuse to speak to me! Have they even seen my amazing stripy sweater?”

Post Content

Yes, just because it’s late at night on the Friday of Thanksgiving weekend doesn’t mean you’ll go COTW-less!

“Josh finds him creepy, but I think Tongue Kid is the best. ‘Hey, there, what’s up. Me? Oh, I’m great. Just gonna eat this fish, live on an idyllic island. How about you? Reading Mark Trail, you say? That’s great. Look, the fish and I gotta go. You take care. Good luck with that Mark Trail thing.'” –He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus

And our runners up are as ever hilarious:

“Will tomorrow be the first Luann where two characters discuss something that matters? Spoiler alert: No.” –S. Stout

“JP: Maybe Bubba’s pot farm is just a front operation for a far more lucrative career in selling endangered marine life, which is in itself a front operation for trading stolen art, which is in itself a front operation for a snuff film studio.” –hogenmogen

“Heathcliff’s trying to say he’s innocent because of the existence of … REASONABLE TROUT! Ha ha! Oh, I hate myself.” –Dagger

“Look at that last panel of Gasoline Alley. Just look at it. Divorce it from context, and try to imagine that there is any scenario that goes with that image and those words that works unless she’s talking about delicious, tender, human children.” –Johann Sebastian Cock

“The slabs of food-pie are not for eating, of course. Just hold them near your face and FEEL the radioactivity!” –Greg

“Yes, Jim’s losing of an arm and a sibling — those are easy for him to accept. But to be rejected by Dawn Weston? No man can accept that.” –Liam

“Yep, it’s just a typical scene as two grown men exercise and discuss what teenage girls have been doing to their football players. Better add another set, no frustrations here!” –Chareth Cutestory

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Mayan Countdown Calendar: Each day has a humorous message to help prepare for your total annihilation. Great for home, office, or any other place that will go up in smoke on December 21.
• The Four-Hour Chef: Become world-class. From Manhattan to Calcutta, Tim Ferriss unearths the secrets of the world’s fastest learners and greatest chefs by explaining “meta-learning,” a step-by-step process that can be used to master anything. Featuring tips from chess prodigies, chefs, athletes, supermodels, and everyone in between.

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.