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Funky Winkerbean, 1/14/12

So I’ve been pretty much ignoring this week’s Funky Winkerbean, which has been all about the crisis caused by the removal of the vending machines from the school, because, enh, vending machines. Really the only thing of interest so far has been the fact that everyone insists on calling the machines “vendos”, which ranks up with “solo car date” on the list of Formulations In Funky Winkerbean That Are Linguistically Probable But Nonetheless Never Uttered By Living English-Speaking Humans.

BUT! Today we learn that all the angst about this move is not just because everyone loves delicious vending machine food. No, it’s because, like all death-haunted citizens of the Funkyverse, the teachers and students at Westview wish that death would stop haunting them and just show up and take them away from their suffering once and for all. Too terrified to hurl themselves from a bridge or put a shotgun in their mouths or even take up smoking, they at least hope that each day is the day that a bag of sodium-laden chips triggers a massive stroke, after which would come blessed emptiness. But even rides on the carousel of death are now denied to them by their cruel creator.

Momma, 1/14/12

Ha ha, it’s funny because Momma is an unlettered philistine! Or maybe she got a Kindle? Gah, who can tell, with this art.

Family Circus, 1/14/12

Now that the Keane Kids, previously Yahweh’s most loyal servants, have switched their allegiances, I guess it’s time for Him to hand over the rulership of creation to our new God, the iPhone.

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Hitting you a little early with the week’s top comment, but first: longtime reader/commenter Mibbitmaker has a new Web comic, called Pop Culture’s Kids. Check it out, won’t you?

And now, your COTW:

“Oh no! It’s the Santa Royale PD in their purring police cars! rrrrrrrrrrr! You have the right to remain adorable!” –pugfuggly

And your runners up! Very funny!

“I like Niki’s expression at ‘Thanks for the hang.’ There’s definitely a subtext of ‘Oh god, are they really making me say this? Doesn’t anyone know how teenagers talk?'” –Shmebber

“The first thing you need to have a dog-training biz is a non-blind hunting dog to drag the customers in. It’s a whole lot cheaper than advertising!” –Squeak

“There, there, Emily Smith, it’s ok. It’s ok. You’re not from Goleta any more.” –Nate

“It only took Mary five short weeks to solve the Case of the Girl from Goleta with her patented combination of living in comfort and thinking kind thoughts! Well done, Detective!” –Effluvius Erratus

“The better question is, when don’t I have ‘Yakety Sax’ on autostream in my brain? The only alternative is ‘Fast Banjo Getaway Music.'” –Old School Allie Cat

“Yes, my ‘girlfriend,’ this freakishly large disembodied hand that’s resting on my shoulder as we speak. Sure, I summoned it from an alternate dimension thanks to an evil spell, but you would not BELIEVE the handjobs, man. Anyway, so … how much do I owe you?” –Windier E. Megatons

“The Menace’s all too well-documented aversion to bathing has come to the inevitable conclusion of flea, lice, and tick infestation. Oh, the hilarity.” –sully

“Wait, did No-Ink Tattoo Man and Tattoo Face Woman just apply the ‘First taste is free’ theory of drug marketing to DVDs? Soon, Milford teens will be huddled in alleys around DVD players. Looking wide-eyed and shell-shocked, they’ll stumble in the back of Milford Ink. ‘C-come on, man. I just need one hit. One hit from a blockbuster nearly as old as I am.'” –bunivasal

“Well this is a shocking development. I would never have dreamed for a moment the Ruby had ever had sex.” –Zerowolf

“Will we see proof of the dog’s blindness, i.e. walking into a tree? Based on the illustration I believe it’s nothing but a possession which is easily remedied by Mark punching a bible against the dog’s face.” –Stickerz

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And this is where we’d thank our advertisers — if we had any this week. To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Marvin, 1/13/11

In this shocking panel, Marvin has taken two thousand years of theology and turned it on its head. In a direct riposte to Calvin, who started from the premise of an omniscient, omnipotent God and declared that our ends were predestined before we were created, leaving any seeming room to maneuver an illusion, Marvin instead preaches the existence of a smug, all-knowing narc, who gave us the power to shape our own destiny just to revel in the certain knowledge that we’ll screw it up and condemn ourselves to damnation. Whether or not you agree with him, you have to admit it’s a welcome change of pace from the constant poop jokes.

Spider-Man, 1/13/11

It strikes me as a pretty short trip from “I’ve no way to follow them” to “So why should I even try?” and from there to “I wonder what’s on TV!”