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Dennis the Menace, 12/6/11

Dennis is bad at eating, inevitably ending up covered with half-masticated food, misaimed condiments, and slobber.

Mary Worth, 12/6/11

Mary has now completely forgotten about the missing Emily Smith, and has ironically become fixated on the idea that she might be losing her memory instead.

Six Chix, 12/6/11

Due to her family’s poverty, this little girl isn’t going to college, and indeed will probably die of malnutrition long before she has a chance to graduate from high school.

Pluggers, 12/6/11

Pluggers like to swing with other couples from their church.

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Luann, 12/5/11

Wasn’t there some zany plot a few years back where various De Groot family members and hangers-on wanted to know what TJ did for a living, but never could figure it out, largely because for mysterious reasons they refused to just ask him? I feel a sense of pride in the fact that I can’t actually remember how this worked out, and I refuse to look it up, but I’m definitely intrigued by his decision to charm his way into Anne Eiffel’s employ here, by describing how he caused a competing fast food restaurant to unwittingly violate child labor laws. Presumably he’s planning to bring Weenie World down from the inside, but all of TJ’s schemes inevitably backfire horribly, so perhaps he’ll accidentally triple hot dog sales and help Anne get promoted to CEO? Whatever the potential outcome, let’s all enjoy panel two, which illustrates the fact that TJ, who means well but is always plotting something, is forever perched on the seam between light and darkness.

Gil Thorp, 12/5/11

If I didn’t know any better I’d think that Brody Abro had his Asperger’s so thoroughly cured that he grew a little chin-tuft and let some soul-patched tattoo artist hover beefily over him. But I do know better, so probably the beard is supposed to indicate that this is shaggy-haired blond fellow with a face almost exactly like Brody’s is not actually Brody, but rather some new Mudlark with a silly name who we’re supposed to get attached to over the course of basketball season.

So, yeah, it’s an exciting new storyline! Involving tattoos! Just a tip: it’s not really that reassuring when you feel compelled to explicitly tell your customers that you follow the basic rules of hygiene for your profession. It’s like a waitress putting your food in front of you and saying, unprompted, “Don’t worry, the kitchen staff have all washed their hands today, and none of them have any open sores.” Maybe this attitude was OK in your prison tattoo business, Mr. Soul Patch, but you’ve rented a venerable Milford storefront now! Time to kick your professionalism up a notch.

Mary Worth, 12/5/11

Looks like Mary is going to be haunted by this missing child poster forever! Eventually her grinning face will be all Mary sees, every day. What could be the cause of this descent into madness? I’m hoping that Mary’s the real kidnapper, and that the haunting poster always floating at the corner of her vision is her version of the tell-tale heart.

Apartment 3-G, 12/5/11

“I’ve been there! By which I mean I totally made out with your dead husband. Back when he was alive, obviously! Did I forget to tell you this?”

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Six Chix, 12/4/11

I feel that our current long economic slump has yet to meet its potential for packaging economic desperation as sport. Sure, we’ve seen the occasional hobo party, but what about the dance marathons of old, where people boogied to exhaustion for cash prizes? That’s why I’m pleased to see how much our job fair attendees are really getting into this game of musical chairs. They’re not just walking sullenly in a circle waiting for the music to stop; they’re shaking their money makers, in the hopes that they might someday soon be given a chance to make money, via gainful employment. Dance, proles! Dance for your jobs, and for the amusement of your betters!

Hagar the Horrible, 12/4/11

Just to review, Hagar makes his living by leading bands of bloodthirsty warriors from Scandinavia down to Western Europe, stealing whatever movable goods he can find, murdering all who resist, and raping and enslaving the rest. Probably the nice people of France stopped being trusting and started being suspicious and fearful right around the time the first Viking horde came up the river and burned their villages to the ground! But it’s true, Hagar, you don’t have to lock your door, because you’ve bought the loyalty of a group of retainers, with plunder, so they’ll fight off your enemies for you. Unless your raids have been less than successful lately, in which case one of the more ambitious young men among them will probably kill you and take control of your warrior band!

Judge Parker, 12/4/11

Earlier this week Sam and Randy made a date to go to the firing range, where Sam’s going to give Randy some tips! But obviously Randy doesn’t need advice on how to turn down repeated offers of sex from beautiful women, as he’s already a master at that.

Spider-Man, 12/4/11

Last month my wife got a promotion, and now she makes more than me! I responded by mumbling something insincere and then stalking off to sulk. (Ha ha, just kidding, I congratulated her effusively and then we went and had a nice dinner, because I’m not a complete jackass.)

Panels from Mary Worth, 12/4/11

“I enjoy my cooking and thought that your opinion of it might be as high as mine! People who don’t like the things I like are trash and I don’t associate with them.”