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Mary Worth, 4/29/12

The greatest thing about Mary Worth … wait, no, scratch that, there are so many great things about Mary Worth, how can I be expected to choose? Ahem, let me start over. One of the great things about Mary Worth is how each storyline begins with limitless possibilities of amazingness. These are generally swept away by a tide of painful boring, but it’s fun to imagine at the beginning where it’ll go, and once in a while you do get an Aldo-style payoff. Anyway, right now I’m hoping that against all odds the Gina-Bobby star-crossed love story will suddenly become an Agatha Christie-style locked room mystery in this mysterious mansion. “Is all this yours?” “Ha-ha … no! It belongs to a friend of ours, mysterious benefactor who specifically requested that we gather a demographically heterogeneous group of people, each with a dark secret that will come out at some point during the proceedings, for a ‘special announcement!'”

Your first clue: this Long Island manse has the Spanish-tile roof that we see everywhere in Mary’s West Coast home. Did she ever really leave California at all? Or did her flight out, which was full of trippy visuals, all happen in her own head? Prepare to have your mind blown at the shocking conclusion! Or maybe Bobby and Gina will just announce their engagement at their friend’s house and then Mary will go back home, that seems more likely.

Marvin, 4/29/12

Whatever you think about Marvin’s relentless and repulsive obsessions, you have to credit the strip for using the entire space the Sunday format provides to set up this “Marvin enjoys wetting himself” joke.

Hi and Lois, 4/29/12

Hi and Lois sure has been leaning heavily late on the Thirsty and Irma sure do hate each other schtick. That all ends today in spectacular fashion as Irma beats her husband to death with a broom handle, while a horrified Lois watches and tries to figure out how not to be arrested as an accessory to murder.

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/28/12

Quick Funky recap: Those anonymous replies to Cody’s texts weren’t from Summer, they were from his friend, not because his friend was in love with him, but because he too was hot for summer, but then Summer was seen flirting with some jock, the end, OH BUT WAIT, Cody got some more anonymous texts which he’s deleting and which — SHOCKING REVELATION — come from some blonde girl in the background of panel three who I don’t know who she is? Now everyone loves someone who doesn’t love them back, and the cycle of Funkyverse pain is complete. Mostly this story has made me think that it was originally written with anonymous paper notes in mind and then there was a sudden realization that “Oh crap kids use the texting now, right?” and then “notes” became “texting” even though that made everything make little to no sense.

Mark Trail, 4/28/12

So, violence has broken out in Mark Trail, but does anyone else find this a little anticlimactic? Mark doesn’t get off any awkward bon mots or even use his fists, but rather just knocks out Drug Guy #1 with a desultory WHAP to the back of the head. I know, I know, Drug Guy #2 is still out there, waiting to be dealt with in hilarious ways, I should just be patient.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/28/12

The tale of the Sexy Half-Naked Drunken Houseguest is not turning out to be anticlimactic at all, though! I love that Rex and June have their own little code word for “Make sure that lady doesn’t drink all the off-brand liquor we have in the cabinet.”

Apartment 3-G, 4/28/12

“TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW,” Nina’s father orders Tommie. “How can we use your knowledge to get Nina back together with the husband who betrayed her so she can be in an intact marriage when she gives birth to the baby she never wanted? HER HAPPINESS DEPENDS ON IT.”

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Rejoice! For the week’s top comment is upon you.

“Is anyone else weirded out by how Slylock Fox is standing? ‘Don’t mind me, I just have a tape recorder down my pants, if you know what I mean.’ *Wink* Wink*” –Holly Folly

And behold, there are hilarious runners up:

“Looking to sober up? Play the Mary Worth drinking game! The rules are simple: take one shot every time you see a person who isn’t white while she is in New York. Spoiler alert: at Mary’s insistence they are filming the story arc in Calgary.” –NoahSnark

“AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! I can see Margo’s waist! I didn’t even know she had a waist! I don’t know, man, I just sort of assumed you got to the navel and she just … stopped! I’m freaking out!” –bunivasal

“I don’t think Jeff even knows what Mary said. Judging from the dazed look on his face, I’d say he’s just automatically answering out of his drunken stupor. Expect ‘When?’ ‘Where?’ and ‘How?’ to follow, quite possibly after Mary’s already left the room.” –Pozzo

“You ARE way out of line, Nina. Margo has never claimed to be anyone’s ‘friend’, much less yours.” –Chryon HR

“I could be misremembering completely here, but didn’t Gina have to leave New York in the first place because her father unwittingly witnessed a brutal gangland murder? And now that Gina has returned to the scene of the crime, everyone she ever met or spoke to during her sojourn in Santa Royale is mysteriously called together to assemble in one convenient place … Yeah, I know, I’m always secretly going ‘please God, let this Mary Worth plot end in a gruesome mob-related massacre,’ but this time I really think we might be on to a winner.” –Higgs Boatswain

“I was thinking magenta is a poor color choice for sneaking up on someone in a forest, but Mark probably thinks he blends into the background of whatever the crazy potheads are hallucinating.” –nescio

“After Gina ran off from the diner to be with her soccer daddy without so much as a by your leave to Mary, Mary jets across the country to attend a party with a ‘special event.’ I hope the ‘special event’ is the kidnapping of Mary for ransom that no one will pay.” –Gabacho

“That guy’s more of a Stooges Three, if anything.” –Mibbitmaker

“Spider-Man will have to defeat him in a half-assed fashion stand around being slightly clever while Laurel Hardy’s super-power backfires and he pushes himself down the stairs. Or maybe the director will just call security.” –Nekrotzar

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