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The children may actually be kept away by a court order

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Crankshaft, 12/19/11

Reader of the twin Funkyverse strips are well acquainted with the heavy-lidded, soul-dead expression on the face of our young elf in panel two. Usually it’s just a sign that the character has been ground down by these strips’ omnipresent miasma of despair, but here I think it’s supposed to indicate that elf-girl too is part of the detached Facebook generation, as evidenced by the fact that she’s staring at her own phone rather than trying to drum up business with a little holiday showmanship. Her social analysis aside, though, I think it’s more likely that nobody is coming to see Santa because Crankshaft is an hateful jerk and no loving parent would let their children anywhere near him.

Mark Trail, 12/19/11

Somewhere back in the misty beginning of this plotline, Kelly declared that following the golden bible bird bands back to their source “would make a good story!” As it turns out, the gold came from a crappy played-out mine, only one or two bands were ever made, and Honey the Bear wasn’t even that good at fighting off wolves. The only vaguely interesting angle is that Mountie McQueen is allowed to remain a law enforcement officer despite his erratic behavior and hair-trigger temper. As our gang gathers around the table to enjoy something indeterminate and loaf-life, I think we all have to come up to terms with the fact that Kelly Welly’s journalistic instincts aren’t actually very keen.

Six Chix, 12/19/11

Yeah, so, long story short, Mrs. Claus is keeping tabs on your internet pornography habits.

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Pluggers eyes will remain intact

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Beetle Bailey, 12/18/11

Just beneath the corny wackiness of Beetle Bailey is of course a constant undercurrent of brutal violence, but I’ve never seen it quite so explicit as it is today. We see Camp Swampy as a set of mutually hostile fiefdoms, whose simmering resentment towards each other could escalate to open carnage based on the most minor of disputes, with little that the camp commanders can do to restrain their nominal underlings. The final panel is particularly harrowing: Sarge, still so keyed up that he probably can’t even feel those visible bruises yet, stalking off wide-eyed from the mangled corpse of his rival, which he’s left among the strewn garbage and its stink lines.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 12/18/11

Ha, this is a great look at the pathetic home life of Shady Shrew! Rotting food on the floor, bugs everywhere demonstrating his failure as an insectivore, a hole in the window that instead of fixing or even covering with plastic sheeting he’s just using to lob eggs at penguins, suitcases at the ready in case he ever needs to bust out the old “No, I just got back from a long trip, I swear!” alibi, etc. Thank God his mother isn’t around to see this. (She’s not dead, just so disgusted by her son that she never comes by to visit.)

Pluggers, 12/18/11

Normally I shave off the Pluggers Sunday title panel so that you can get a better look at the actual comic itself (to punish you, I guess?) but today I wanted you to see the trio of plugger-spawn smiling at you from above the strip’s logo. Despite their genetic abnormalities, pluggers have managed to reproduce, which means there will be another generation of this comic, despite your fondest hopes! On the bright side, these young pluggers would rather sit dully on their couch diddling with computer whatsits than learn the basics of becoming a guerilla army.

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Most of this post is distasteful and I apologize

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Marvin, 12/17/11

I have to admit that I’ve always been a little intrigued by the fact that dogs have amazing intraspecies size variations, and I’ve always kind of wondered what this means for their sex lives. I don’t really like being forced to confront the notion visually in the comics, though. Given the extent to which Junior’s new love interest towers over him, her studded leather collar and the black hearts floating over her head seem disturbingly significant.

Mark Trail, 12/17/11

Ha ha, Kelly, Honey the bear took you to the Parents McQueens’ underground bear-sex lair! This will make a good story for some magazine, though perhaps not the one Kelly intended to sell it to. She can explain what “gold mining” is a euphemism for.

Phantom, 12/17/11

Meanwhile, the Phantom is sending Ernesto’s wife into an epistemological crisis. “Believe nothing? Not even the evidence of my own senses?”