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Judge Parker, 8/25/23

Look, Sophie, your parents might have accidentally kinda sorta agreed, under a certain amount of duress, to assassinate somebody, OK? So we’re going to need a lot more of the classic “I can dispassionately analyze data and am deeply interested in wars and the surreptitious ways states and state-like organizations enact violence to further their interests” Sophie and a lot less of this modern-day “Oh, boo hoo, I’m capable of forming emotional attachments and I worry about the people in my life” Sophie from here on in.

Beetle Bailey, 8/25/23

Big news! They’re finally sending Beetle into combat! It’s not going to go great, I think everyone pretty much knows in advance.

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Gil Thorp, 8/24/23

“Take it up with mother nature, coach! Ever since the Great Blight killed most of the trees, we can’t spare wood for frivolous purposes like ceremonial bonfires. And if scientists don’t figure out how to extract oxygen from the ocean soon, I think we’re all going to be too fatigued to engage in vigorous athletic activity anyway.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/24/23

This is the moment when Wanda realizes that neither of these guys is on the verge of ordering anything and she definitely does not have to keep standing there.

Mary Worth, 8/24/23

Thanks for being the voice of moral clarity, Eve! It wasn’t right that Greta was dognapped, no matter what people say. Who’s saying that it was right? Well, I’m not sure, but I be we could start some rumors that seem plausible enough. Was it Toby? It was Toby, wasn’t it? She and Ian don’t seem like “dog people,” if you know what I mean (I mean they’re monsters).

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Dick Tracy, 8/23/23

Hey! Remember, Sprocket Nitrate, the ancillary Dick Tracy character whose whole deal is she goes around barefoot all the time? Well, we’ve heard that some of you foot sickos are getting a little too turned on by this, so for this plotline we’re having her walk through a dirty old abandoned train tunnel, which you shouldn’t find arousing at all, but rather unpleasant and distressing! [An aide whispers some information about the sort of thing foot sickos are into in my ear] What? Oh NO

Blondie, 8/23/23

Ha ha, you guys heard about the “texting” these kids do today? You heard about these fancy new “cell phones”? Oh, you have? You say that 90 percent of Americans had cell phones 10 years ago? But if that’s true, why would a comic strip in the year of our lord 2023 be doing a joke like this? Huh, how do you explain that, smart guy?

Marvin, 8/23/23

I’m not sure if I personally have done something to offend an ancient spirit or powerful magic user, or if rather a curse attached itself my bloodline in generations past, but I have made peace with the fact that I am fated to inform you, my hapless readers, every time the newspaper comic strip Marvin does a joke where the whole thing is “Check it out! Piss and/or shit!” Anyway, here’s today’s Marvin.