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Mark Trail, 9/27/11

Is it possible for a character in Mark Trail to behave in a fashion so detached from the realities of human motivation that he will shock even Mark into self-awareness? To recap: Mountie McQueen is afraid that people will find out that he and his mother are engaged in the odd but (to the best of my knowledge) wholly innocent and legal pastime of putting bands printed with bible verses on the legs of geese. This bible-banding operation was stumbled upon by Andy, a dog who can neither understand what he saw at Mother McQueen’s cabin nor describe it to anyone else. Nevertheless, the risk of exposure is too great, and now Andy must be taken prisoner based on a completely fabricated rabies scare.

Mark’s befuddled “What?” shows that this is one insane thing too much even for a man who deals with insane things without comment every day of his life. If nothing else, one must assume that Andy’s rabies shots are all up to date, seeing as Mark’s live-in father-in-law is a vet. (You’d also think that Andy would have been fixed, too, though the way he scampered off after Princess might imply otherwise.)

Funky Winkerbean, 9/27/11

Oh look, it’s the time of year where Les worries frantically that his Lisa’s Legacy Walk will somehow go awry and fail to keep up its streak of not curing cancer. This year everyone will be pelted by a cold rain, which, if we’re lucky, will mean that after the strip’s next time jump Summer will be running the Les’s Legacy Walk to cure pneumonia.

Gil Thorp, 9/27/11

Was that sports action in panel one too thrilling for you? Don’t worry: in panel two, you only have to hear about a fumble being run back for a touchdown, and can relax by just looking at a guy handing a football to a ref. In panel three, just enjoy a soothing Marty Moon closeup rather than looking at something anxiety-inducing like a successful two-point conversion.

Momma, 9/27/11

Aren’t Momma’s memories of her long-dead husband usually quite worshipful? This strip implies that she held him in as much passive-aggressive contempt as she does her children. Actually, from the dubious way that picture is looking at her, it seems that she’s had his soul preserved in photographic form via dark magic, the better to torment him throughout eternity.

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Mary Worth, 9/26/11

Ha ha, for someone who’s been leaning on Gina for weeks to go find true love with the childhood sweetheart who’s long forgotten her, Mary sure hasn’t come up with any particularly practical method to bring the two of them together. “Gina, I know that soccer stars are the biggest celebrities in the United States, and that therefore Bobby is surrounded by handlers and bodyguards at all times, with an ordinary mortal like you being incapable of getting any kind of message to him. Have you considered camping out at the arena for days in advance, so you can select the perfect seat in the front row and hope against hope that he catches a glimpse of you as he runs past?” “No, Mary, I’m thinking of a more direct way to contact him! I’ll just bribe the security staff at the hotel where he’s staying to let me into his suite, where I’ll wait in the bathroom for him, with a knife!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/26/11

Oh, snap, it looks like Spider isn’t just another one of Rex Morgan’s endless string of punk rock villains, which is great, because the only thing better than ham-fistedly evil punk rockers are ham-fistedly emo punk rockers. He’s actually going to be a way for all of us to learn about the serious problem of teenage self-harm, and how you shouldn’t call kids who need help with real psychological conditions “losers,” especially if you’re a former petty thief whose mom is a meth addict.

Apartment 3-G, 9/26/11

Hey, wait, remember how Paul bought a rundown old house in the country, because he couldn’t live with his parents forever? Well, apparently now that he’s chosen a mate, he was let in on the Linski code: all mated Linskis must live in the quarters prepared for them on the Linski cult compound … or be destroyed.

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Beetle Bailey, 9/25/11

As I’ve noted before, I’m totally down Beetle Bailey’s depiction of General Halftrack’s increasingly rapid descent into alcohol-fueled dementia. I approve because I enjoy jarring mismatches of tone and subject matter, and unlike some strips we could mention that get Very Serious with their Sad and Serious topics, Beetle Bailey seems to be under the impression that Halftrack’s angry and disoriented flailing is awesome fodder for wacky jokes. Which it isn’t but there’s something meta-funny about the strip’s complete inability to see that, you know? Anyway, things get extra hilarious today when the General destroys Army property and then discharges his sidearm in violation of any number of military regulations, before collapsing (it’s not clear whether that’s because the booze has overpowered him or he’s suffered a deadly rage-stroke).

Oh, also, I made this panel for you, to use as your Twitter avatar or put on your Tumblr where you curate zany contextless images or whatever:

Family Circus, 9/25/11

Awww, Jeffy’s learning life skills! Hateable life skills.