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Mary Worth, 5/10/11

Look at that face! Have you ever seen a man more grimly determined to let a woman down easy before? He’s massaging the back of his neck with his tie, the better to keep a cool head for the coming letting-down-easy process. Keep in mind that, in Drew’s last attempt to break up with someone, he decided that the best technique would be to just stop returning her calls, a move that led to physical assaults on his person and his dignity and, ultimately, his exile to Vietnam, so he realizes the importance of acting prudently now. Plus Liza seems like she might get stabby when crossed!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/10/11

Oh, that Clovis! He and his wife might fuss and feud, but we all know that eventually at her wishes he’ll be baptized and will accept a version of Christianity based on the Nicene Creed, thus determining the religion that will dominate Western Europe for the next thousand years.

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Phantom, 5/9/11

Ooh, it’s a new Phantom adventure, everyone: “The College Kid!” And I am loving panel two, as the college kid taps away on that circa 1995 PC, ignoring the vaguely menacing jibes of the men around him and maintaining a look of withering contempt all the while. “These cretins seem to believe that just shouting can bring about a successful Internet money-making scheme! Soon I’ll produce a victory that will force them to acknowledge my importance to this criminal enterprise, and stop them from making fun of my blazer!”

Apartment 3-G, 5/9/11

Ha ha, the A3G makeover storyline may have flopped due to the artist’s inability to depict clothes that are remotely flattering or interesting-looking, but give him this: when called upon to draw the sort of hideous, unflattering dresses someone like Ruby would force upon her hapless bridesmaids, he fucking nails it.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/9/11

Hey, everyone in Les’s life: won’t you please shove a comforting metaphorical boob of reassurance into his mouth? It will probably shut him up!

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Apartment 3-G, 5/8/11

As near as I’ve been able to tell, Trey has big plans to remake the Mills Gallery in a retro-Art Deco style, and has managed to convince his firm to underwrite the project rather than actually be paid by the client who will benefit from the makeover. Now, I’m as bored with both enormous, inhuman sheets of glass and exhaustingly whimsical Gehry-esque postmodernism as the next guy, but I’m not sure the solution is just to gin up some kind of throwback visual language and turn a perfectly nice art gallery into a slightly more upscale Johnny Rockets. And I’m definitely certain that anyone whose big idea for architecture revolves around nostalgia shouldn’t be displaying the sudden and unsettling delusions of grandeur that Trey is throwing off in the last two panels. Only one person in Apartment 3-G is allowed to indulge in that kind of unjustified megalomania, Trey, and you’d better ratchet back if you ever want to sleep with her again.

Spider-Man, 5/8/11

Ha ha, any day where Spider-Man gets bonked in the back of the head with a club-like object is a good one! But Martine shouldn’t be so proud of whatever vampire power she believes defeated our hero’s spider-sense, since the exact same attack has in the past been successfully executed by some random criminal henchman and a snooty butler, neither of which were undead bloodsuckers, as near as anyone could tell.

Family Circus, 5/8/11

Ha ha, Mommy! Your worry-wart fantasy shows that you’re starting from a false premise: You apparently believe that your family is taking you to a nice restaurant for Mother’s Day. There’s no need to dress the kids in nice shirts — or indeed in any shirts at all — if you’re just ordering at the drive-through window!

Panels from Hagar the Horrible, 5/8/11

In other news, Hagar’s wife Helga appears to have completely lost it.