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Guys, when I’m away from the comics for a while, I need to dive back into the warm, welcoming arms of my first comics-mocking love: the soap strips. Let’s catch up together, shall we?

Mary Worth, 3/15/11

I don’t know what’s sadder: the fact that Wilbur thought that flying large, old-fashioned kites down at the park would restore his daughter’s mental health and their relationship, or that he thought that flying large, old-fashioned kites down at the park once would do the trick, permanently. “We’re good now, though, right? I can go back to more or less ignoring you and rededicate my energy to my sandwich photography Tumblr?”

Meanwhile, check out Dawn’s crazed eyes in panel one. Wilbur hasn’t fixed anything, of course, but merely redirected her mania. Now she’s well and truly addicted to kite-flying! This all looks fun now, but in a week, when she’s dragging that kite across the ground in the middle of a windless night, sobbing, Wilbur will be sorry.

Mark Trail, 3/15/11

Oh, look, Mark Trail has moved away from its laughable drug island plot and returned to its ever so slightly less laughable love triangle plot. I love how Kelly’s story is calculated to sound as ridiculous as possible. Why don’t you just tell her that you were rehearsing for a play or something, Kelly? A play where Mark has to get naked and kiss you? It would be about as plausible.

Judge Parker, 3/15/11

Whoops, it looks like Constance has been caught showing more concern for a pricey but ultimately useless physical object than for a real live human being who died in agony! Don’t worry, honey, you’ll fit in with this band of rich narcissists just fine.

Apartment 3-G, 3/15/11

Finally, in Apartment 3-G, bald or balding white men are nervous about Trey Brooks. What terrible power does he hold over them? Is it his scarf? Does his yellow scarf cause them a certain nameless terror? Does it force them to obey his every whim?

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You guys! I’m back from my vacation, and I am as ever INSANELY GRATEFUL to everyone who participated in the fundraiser! You’ll all as usual be getting personalized thank yous over the course of this week, but for the moment, let me give a blanket thanks! And thanks also to Uncle Lumpy, who always does a stellar job of filling in.

And one more person to thank! I returned to find that faithful reader Aviatrix had decorated the comments of the week float for me — how thoughtful! Here is your week’s top comment!

“Two things popped into my head when I read Dick Tracy today. First, I thought, what well-rendered and vicious looking rats! Then, I thought, oh! I finally know a concrete thing that is happening in a Dick Tracy plot: someone is about to die.” –Sophie

And your runners up! Also very funny!

“Due to his head injury, all Mark can do is shout ‘WHAT?’ He doesn’t understand what Senorita MomJeans is saying. He just shouts ‘WHAT?'” –UncleJeff

“This story is a crime triathlon intended to prove that Mark is the most kickass outdoor writer ever. After a month of drug smuggling, the story will move on to The Island Of Sex Trafficking.” –Poteet

“For years I’ve tried to explain to my kids why they have to learn to cook, do laundry, and become potentially self-sufficient. Finally, I have the stuff to convince them. ‘Look, if you don’t learn to wash your own clothes, you’ll be dependent on people who can bring down your entire drug smuggling island kingdom!'” -MaryAnnTheRest

“Okay, so Lonnie’s willing to listen to Mark’s ideas for getting off the island, when (1) there’s an available boat, (2) there are regularly scheduled flights on Otto Pilot, and (3) there is a ginormous terrapin with a back the size of an aircraft carrier swimming around in circles just off shore, just WAITING for passengers. HOW many options does the woman want?” –Charterstoned

“There’s something about that ‘I may not be successful’ line that makes me expect it to be followed by some kind of artistic goal like ‘I will attempt to write a novel in which the vowels AEIOU will always appear in the same order before any repetition of vowels occurs.'” –Mr. O’Malley

“Apparently, internet addiction is causing Dawn’s head to slowly slide off of her neck.” –Faoladh

“Somehow I picture Dawn being sent to a clinic for internet addiction. It’s very similar to a clinic for heroin addicts, except they give you an Etch-A-Sketch instead of methadone.” –Scott Bot

“Oh, lord, the window. The cabinets. The cereal box. I can’t believe this isn’t intentional. The artist really dreams of producing a ‘spot the differences’ puzzle strip, and secretly works it into Mary Worth panels.” –Cloudbuster

“I want a Dick Tracy t-shirt with the eighteen or so identical granary panels, legend beneath: ‘Dick Tracy: The Storm is Intensifying.'” –TooMuchFreeTime

“Well, you know when newspapers license comics today, they have a lot of options available: they can request the color version, or the black and white version; the large size of the small size; the Euclidean one or the Lobachevskian one, etc.” –Nekrotzar

“You can’t really blame Tracy. He jumped out of the building at least twice. If Mordred didn’t get the idea, maybe he needed to be devoured by rats.” –gleeb

“Hey, not only are we getting a new team for the comic strip itself, but the Crimestoppers Textbook is now being written by Mark Trail.” –Frank Lee Meidere

“I suspect the word balloon ‘I’m thinking of the football team’ could be placed over Tiffany’s head at any given point and not be inappropriate.” –Pozzo

“Cartooning about dance is like miming about architecture. Or fishing about bicycles. Anyway, just pretend he’s saying, ‘I’m gonna kill you, Tracy!’ and she’s saying, ‘I HATE RATS!’ and it’ll be almost interesting.” –[Old Man] Muffaroo

“Most historians agree that the decline of literacy in the dark ages coincided with the rise of hexting as the predominant form of communication.” –Joe Btfsplk

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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Family Circus, 3/14/11

Ill-content with his future as a sullen dick, Billy aspires to be a sullen ignorant dick. Live the dream, Billy!

Baby Blues, 3/14/11

Uh-oh — looks like Hammie’s been bitten by a radioactive spider. Lot of that going around. Can’t wait for the musical!

Marvin, 3/14/11

Marvin, perfected. You folks can stop now.

Judge Parker, 3/14/11

Marketing executive — of course. Alan’s Blackberry® also brings news that his two-week Wonder Novel has received a Pulitzer Prize, and Sam’s been appointed Attorney General and Papal Nuncio. Judge Parker pumps its characters so full of gas it’s like watching Ally McBeal staged by Macy’s parade balloons.

Dick Tracy, 3/14/11

Whoa — what the hell is that thing growing out of Dick’s left wrist? And are we headed for four months of “It’s morning out there”/”I’m gonna call you, Tracy”? Time will tell.


Hey, I’m outta here! Josh will return on Monday with your COTW, and chew back into the comics on Tuesday. It’s been a fun week — thanks!

— Uncle Lumpy