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Judge Parker, 2/10/11

I need a consult from the Fashion Police on this, because I’ve been spending the last week trying to figure out what exactly the outfit of our latest Judge Parker female guest star is meant to convey. Usually the implication of ladies’ clothes in this strip is fairly straightforward — “I am sinister; here are my breasts” — but Constance Darling, publishing marketing intern suddenly thrust into a position of power, is all over the map, sartorially. Since she’s an intern, I’m assuming she’s supposed to be of college age or at oldest in her early 20s; she’s wearing a long, flowing skirt, strappy high heels, a sort of collegiate-y sweater, a big chunky scarf, big glasses, big earrings, and, of course, a giant yellow peace symbol. Is this someone’s idea of how the young people are dressing? Because I can assure that it is not the way the young people are dressing, unless they’re trying out to star in Doctor Who as the first female Doctor.

Mary Worth, 2/10/11

Now we know why now why Mary shuns the Internet: it’s full of people, talking about their lives, unprompted by Mary’s probing questions, a prospect she finds completely ghastly.

Mark Trail, 2/10/11

Whoops, looks like Kelly Well’s ladyish incompetence has resulted in one of the more hilarious Mark Trail panels in recent memory. It’s too bad Mark isn’t using his recently developed thought-ballooning abilities to let us in on what’s going through his head as he hurtles through the air. “I’m flying! Am I a bird? I always thought I might be a bird! Look, my seagull brother is behind me for my first flight! I love being a bird! I will definitely capture that diamond smuggler no[SPLASH]”

Apartment 3-G, 2/10/11

Based on those arousal lines radiating from Margo’s head, I think we’ve finally learned the easiest way to get her attention: make with the igloo talk. She’s obviously now planning to drag Trey back to her love igloo and ravish him atop a pile of furs (all the better, furs made from adorable animals that Lu Ann would get all sentimental over). They’d drape their yellow scarves over the igloo’s narrow entranceway, to indicate that the igloo is a-rockin’ and that others should under no circumstances come a-knockin’.

Exciting listening opportunity! You are no doubt familiar with Citation Needed, the Tumblr I help maintain that’s all about Wikipedia’s most hilarious prose! Well, it now has a podcast that you’re obviously going to want to listen to. I had nothing to do with this first installment, because I am lazy, so all props go to Conor Lastowka and his cast of guest stars, but I will hopefully be helping out with future installments, about which you will kept in the loop!

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Funky Winkerbean, 2/9/11

Oh, thank goodness: I was a bit concerned that yesterday’s strip seemed to skip over Summer’s physical suffering, but today we’re reassured that Funky Winkerbean remains true to its core mission: lingering over the anguish of its characters. Note that Westview paramedics have black crosses on their first aid kits. That’s because they view their main role not so much as saving lives as helping you navigate your inevitable and painful voyage towards death.

Blondie, 2/9/11

Mr. Dithers may be more right than he knows, as I have a hard time believing that Dagwood holds anything more sacred than greasy, fatty, delicious food.

Mary Worth, 2/9/11

Sorry, everyone at Twitter! I know you’ve worked hard over the past few years to make your company a social media powerhouse and all, but now that Wilbur is about to explain to Mary what “tweeting” is, I think it’s best for all concerned if you lay everyone off, give whatever cash you have on hand back to the investors, and quietly shut down your Website, forever.

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B.C., 2/8/11

The reasons why the various human and animal characters of B.C. exist and each have their iron-clad associated schtick are now lost in the mists of time. One thing I’ve always found striking is that the ants always get the jokes most closely associated with the heterosexual nuclear family. This is odd because, out of all the creatures great and small who inhabit the strip, ants have by far the freakiest sex lives. Can you imagine the weird dramatic possibilities of actual ant family life, which starts when a newborn queen flies off with a host of her brothers, all of whom mate with her and then almost immediately die, and the queen spends the next several decades giving birth to her sister-children, who toil as her slaves? It would certainly be more compelling than these two talking about divorce plans or whatever.

Jumble, 2/8/11

Good lord, I’ve seen few expressions more sinister than the one on that vet’s face as he gently pets that champion pup. What are his nefarious plans for it? You might say he has a “CONNECTION TO A SINISTER UNDERGROUND DOG ORGAN TRAFFICKING RING.”

Funky Winkerbean,2/8/11

Oh, hey, it’s been weeks since someone’s life was destroyed in Funky Winkerbean! Here the strip manages to pull of a nice bit of double destruction: Summer’s dreams of basketball glory are figuratively shattered, because the inner workings of her knee are literally shattered. If only we could see the horrified faces of the crowd as they hear that sickening pop!