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Hope you’re all enjoying your June as much as I know you’ll enjoy this week’s comment of the week!

“From inside the burlap sack, Jones listened carefully. It had taken a year of fasting and surgical alterations that his doctor called ‘highly unusual and disturbing’ for Jones to fit into the chicken costume, but the time was finally here. He’d show Smith a thing or two about chickens, he thought, caressing the sawed-off shotgun cunningly built into his beak. The costume’s beak. They were the same now. The man, the chicken, the gun, they sweated in the sack, waiting to hatch. Waiting to count.” –Voshkod

Your runners up are also quite enjoyable!

“As a criminal, isn’t claiming to own a time machine just begging the cops to pin every single crime they can think of on you? Weirdly now has no alibi for anything — not JFK, not the black plague, not the assassination of Julius Caesar. He is going DOWN.” –jerp+jump

“‘What’s got you smiling, Biz?’ ‘I’m extremely high on varnish fumes!’” –Lorelei

“You might think, ‘doesn’t the Catholic Church forbid divorce?’ However, Hagar takes place in the early Middle Ages, while marriage as a sacrament, like many other Christian dogmas that seem original, became part of Canon Law only in the late Middle Ages. For this feudal lord, divorce is just a regular part of life. Unfortunately, dying by an heathen’s axe to the head is also another regular part of life.” –Ettorre

“It’s nice to see some consequences for Slylock’s nonsense. He’s had so many cases thrown out allowing repeat offenders to commit so many minor crimes that he’s been bumped down to investigating mean e-mails, and even that’s not going to go well when word gets back to the captain. ‘He WHAT??! Printed them out and used a magnifying glass? FOX! My office, NOW!’” –Tabby Lavalamp

“LEVEL 5 CATEGORY OMEGA WARNING: FAMILY CIRCUS SUCCESSFULLY PULLED OFF POST-MODERN META-HUMOR. I REPEAT, FAMILY CIRCUS SUCCESSFULLY PULLED OFF POST-MODERN META-HUMOR. GO HOME, HUG YOUR FAMILIES FOR THE LAST TIME, AND PREPARE FOR THE END” –Schroduck

“The other really sad thing about Hi and Lois is that Chip is a teenager but he only comes up to his parents’ shoulders. I don’t care if he’s holding a sandwich with a bite out of it (like a saint holding the instrument of her martyrdom), feed that boy!” –matt w

“So wait, is Milford ‘juvie’ just a division of the high school athletics department? How many other municipal services do they run? It’s no wonder this town is obsessed with their high school sports: if they make it to regionals the town might be without police or firefighters for a week.” –pugfuggly

“Woah, Lois really wasn’t expecting her family to actually care about this information. Look, they’re smiling. They’re expressing interest! It’s blown her mind. She needs to put more sedatives in their food before things get nuts.” –made of wince

“If you’re going to tell a poo-related joke, maybe don’t give us a glimpse of the character’s rear at the same time? Especially when they have … tailfeathers? Honestly, I don’t know what the heck is going on back there, and I don’t want to.” –BigTed

“‘I didn’t see it, but I sensed it went vaguely that direction!’ ‘Good enough! We’ll just amble in that direction! We’re bound to run into the perp!’” –Buck Ripsnort

“I’m not worried. When they see Greta’s bow tie, the fighting dogs will assume she’s a referee, and follow her commands.” –Chazhouston

“How many food trucks will they have been lead to and ordered from before they realize Max cannot track Greta?” –Kevin On Earth

“You’re going to take well-paying work? When you could be getting the high quality education available at a college that’s so desperate that it accepts people who apply at the end of June?” –Rube

“We are supposed to believe that Dennis was such a hellion that he drove her to tears. However that’s not how these things work. What really happened is that her boyfriend broke up with her by text, and she cried herself to sleep. He is now reviewing the thread on her phone for tips and techniques for when he, inevitably, has to do the same with Margaret.” –richardf8

“We can take some comfort knowing Snuffy uses French about as incorrectly as anyone could ever use French. What are we thinking, folks? ‘Ow contryary?’ “Oh contreeree?’
‘Eau d’country?’ Either way he just lifted Uriah’s wallet.” –Blackdrazon

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/23/23

So it seems that Niki is going to turn down the college scholarship he earned by helping Rex recapture some escaped prisoners, because he’s found a new passion — auto mechanics! And indeed, this is a line of work that can be quite lucrative, though I’m a little worried that he’s cut his teeth on classic cars and is going to show up on his first day at his new job and start panicking when he sees how many computer chips are involved. Anyway, I love panel three because Kelly has just reached that point in a Big Relationship Talk where the other person starts waving their index finger in your face, which you know means things are going great.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/23/23

I’m sorry, there is no way on earth that Snuffy Smith is going to utter the phrase au contraire. Absolutely fucking not. It’s days like today when I really come to terms with what a crushing burden it is to be the last person alive who cares about consistent characterization in newspaper comics that are literally more than a hundred years old.

Dennis the Menace, 6/23/23

Dennis casually looking at his phone as he delivers this line is in fact quite menacing and extremely funny, and I have no choice but to respect it.

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Blondie, 6/22/23

Let’s put aside, for the moment, the fact we’re dealing with three famous (?) comics couples here. What are the circumstances under which you’d have any three couples together like this to talk to Blondie and Tootsie about vow-renewal catering? Like, do they just have office hours specifically for potential vow renewers to drop by and chat? Or are they all doing this together, a mass vow-renewal process? Are they friends? Or — and now, finally, we must return to the fact that we’ve got three beloved (???) comics couples on our hands — is this for copyright reasons, somehow, and what they’re actually “renewing” is the rights of their intellectual property holders to the concept of their coupledom?

Mary Worth, 6/22/23

Lyle Lovett! It’s bad enough that you’re running an illegal underground dog-fighting ring. But now you’re drunk on the job? Try to show a little pride in your terrible, cruel work!