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Ziggy, 9/15/10

Ziggy staring forlornly at the viewer and admitting that nobody likes or respects him, using language that was vaguely funny when deployed by Rodney Dangerfield 25 years ago, is nothing out of the ordinary. But I admit that my interest is piqued by the sour-looking man in the hat strolling behind our hapless misery-gnome. Was it an encounter with this sneering Babbitt that left Ziggy so forlorn? Did the bourgeois conformist glare at our hero and sneer “Put some pants on, freak,” before stalking off? Perhaps Ziggy’s sense of persecution has some basis in external reality after all.

Shoe, 9/15/10

Shoe seems to have abandoned his attempt to woo an uptight lady bird with Farah Fawcett hair and moved on to someone more his style: a busty, heavy-lidded fellow drunkard wearing something low-cut who likes to complain about things. “Dogs, am I right? Seriously, who do we have to blow to get some God-damned booze around here?”

Gil Thorp, 9/15/10

Oh, man, a whole year’s worth of boring and incomprehensible Gil Thorps is worth it if they’re necessary to frame the strip’s annual descent into fiery madness. This year’s ritual of cleansing flame features the newly elected co-captains placating the crazed torch-wielding mob by pledging to beat to death any Milford player who fails to adequately entertain the townsfolk.

Mary Worth, 9/15/10

“After all, the most important thing about my father is how he affected me, and since I cared about him less as a human being and more in terms of his failures to live up to some abstract ideal, once we made peace his continued presence in my life was frankly superfluous. His death was really more convenient than anything else. Am I right in assuming that this sensitive talk about my feelings is finishing the job of preparing you for sex with me that was started by the russet-colored meal I purchased for you and my orange suit/black shirt/wispy chest hair combo? I’ll bet I’m right! I’m a trained mental health practitioner!”

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Gil Thorp, 9/14/10

“But he’d fight a circle saw for you! In fact, he already fought one for me — you can tell because his arms have been sliced off at the elbows.”

Later, Gil and Mimi nuzzle at home, enjoying the extra musical clarity they get sitting eight inches away from the speakers on their sweet-ass vertical CD player.

Apartment 3-G, 9/14/10

Tommie is really benefitting from the latest innovation in hairstyling: the so-called “part.”

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Without further ado, I cast this week’s top comment into the night:

“Why would you steal a computer from the library, anyway? Is Weirdly conducting a study on the pornography preferences of the homeless?” –commodorejohn

And the very funny runners up!

“Gee, what supervillain could be mastering me like a puppet? Let’s check Jane’s Book of Evil!” –yellojkt

“The one I’m looking for is — James Carville?!” –Red Greenback

“Pluggers don’t know what a print is. They call it a ‘pitcher’.” –StrangeRover

“I believe the secret to Lureen’s success with the principal is that she’s a contortionist. Puttin’ your arms behind yur back and grabbin’ yur elbows presents those saggy hillbilly boobs in a whole new way. I just tried doing that and hurt myself. Luckily for the lazy men in town, all the lady parts seem to be about 5 inches apart on these women.” –LUJBEM FEJF

“Rejected sentiments Dr. Mike really wanted to put on the card with Jenna’s flowers: ‘Roses are red/ Violets are blue/ Someone killed my uncle which made my father run off in search of his killer and I felt abandoned and unworthy of love but then we finally reconnected thanks to Mary Worth’s timely intervention and I moved Dad into my place and then he died peacefully in his sleep/ But I still want to sleep with you.'” –Old School Allie Cat

“We sincerely hope Miss Magee has a date for the Senior Prom so she can wear her ‘ravishing’ new dress.” –Fashion Police

“Once a foster kid turns 18, it’s not illegal to tape him showering!” –Jesse C

“I appreciate the fact that of all the synonyms for ‘beautiful’ Margo could have chosen to characterize herself, she selected the one most evocative of savage violence.” –Violet

“I’m not stalking, Mrs. DeGroot. Our whole universe is crammed into these three panels. There are no other routes! Where the fuck am I supposed to go? Tell me that, huh?” –cheech wizard

“A3G artist Frank Bolle is a competent comic artist. He was the go-to guy at Golden Key Comics back in the day. Still, he’s probably pissed that he has to draw clavicles and sternomastoids in his old age.” –Reed Hover of Dallas Texas

“Nobody puts Lu Ann in a corner, now that she looks like Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing.” –True Fable

“Hey, Margie, guess what? I put the grandkids in the strip today! Did they see it? Well, show ’em the damn paper! Yeah, I’ll wait … whaddya mean, where? Tell ’em to quit crying! They’re right THERE, dammit, standing next to Dennis. Huh? DENNIS! He’s the goddamned kid in the middle, with the cowlick … ahh, put her on. Hey, honey, look! You’re standing next to DENNIS! DENNIS THE MENACE! You know, the funny strip Gampy draws? Yeah, that’s YOU — see? Aw, quit crying. For Christ’s sake. Put Mommy back on the phone.” –Dancing Bear

“Those months and months and actually YEARS of practice-drawing new hairstyles for the 3G girls have finally paid off, like so many Marlboro Miles.” –Tommy

“SHOWS WHAT I KNOW ABOUT SOCIAL SERVICES! HEY KAZ! WHILE WE’RE DISCUSSING SENSITIVE STUDENT INFORMATION IN THE PRIVACY OF MY OFFICE, GUESS WHO JUST GOT AN ABORTION AND HAD TO QUIT THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD!” –Krazy Kat

“As far as crowd-pleasing retorts go, ‘That’s what HE implied!’ isn’t quite in the same league as ‘That’s what SHE said!'” –Chyron HR

“‘Maybe someone at the urologist’s office isn’t a fan of the mayor’s!’ Uhm, the mayor’s what, exactly?” –Dood

“On the downside, I apparently know the name of Luann’s dog without having to look it up, which makes me feel dead inside.” –Windier E. Megatons

“Has anyone else noticed that, as Lu Ann has taken on Tommie’s hair color, she’s started to take on the characteristics of Tommie herself, i.e. she’s become a passive, vaguely depressed non-entity? It’s like she’s been bitten by a radioactive Tommie.” –Joe Blevins

“Slylock may think he is clever, pointing out facts about mammalian biology, but he has overlooked the fact that the ‘Bovine Bully’s’ dangerous metaphysical point about free will threatens to bring the entire judicial system to a crashing halt. ‘You can’t hold Cassandra Cat’s decision to seduce the bank guard, bludgeon him to death with a mallet, and steal millions of dollars from the safe against her. It was an uncontrollable result of her dharma!'” –Nekrotzar

“Psst, Cayla! Tell Les it’s a result of hair cancer! Then he’ll be all yours!” –Mooncattie

“The artist failed to give a tonal differentiation between the under-nose and over-food sections of Cayla’s upper lip, which, combined with her new ‘do, makes her nearly indistinguishable from Bob Marley. Nearly, as reggae actually makes audiences happy, and we can’t have that in this strip.” –cj

“Mrs. DeGroot may dislike Dirk now, but how long can that last when they share the goal of making sure Brad and Toni never have sex? I see an alliance forming.” –Larry Fine

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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