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Apartment 3-G, 9/8/10

Makeover victim #1, revealed! Margo’s here and she’s, eh, not actively laughable. Still, this seems like it might be kind of overcompensation: Kat has reacted to Margo’s penchant for turtlenecks by forcing her to wear the exact opposite of a turtleneck, a dress with a top that’s as low as possible while maintaining a G rating. Margo might enjoy all the admiration her shoulders are getting now, but wait until she finds out that every single item in her remade wardrobe will be strapless, including her new collection of business casual tube tops and her winter coats.

Gil Thorp, 9/8/10

This week Gil Thorp has been very busy telegraphing the fall plot: it will be about Troubled Foster Kid Cody Exner! Gil had a life-changing conversation with Cody’s current foster mom yesterday, in which he learned that adults cannot remain in the foster care system indefinitely. This puts a crimp in his plan to find a foster family who will care for him so he can quit his job and drink full time.

In panel three, we see that the takeaway from the plot will be that foster kids are angry and violent — at least before they get some good, solid half-assed coaching from Gil Thorp. Cody will come around and be ready for adulthood by his 18th birthday, even though a few Mudlark teammates may be maimed in the process.

Dennis the Menace, 9/8/10

I was going to make some kind of distasteful “Dennis is a pimp” joke here before I was brought up short with horror at the faces of the little girls on either side of him. They’re a degree or two less cartoonish that the other children — could they be an attempt to represent two actual specific kids? — which only makes them that much more unsettling, in no small part because the more lifelike faces draw attention to their freakishly knobbly legs.

To distract yourself from this horror, consider the fact that Mr. Wilson is such a classic cartoon character that his face isn’t needed to establish presence in the scene, just his iconic gut.

Luann, 9/8/10

Hey, everyone, Dirk’s back, and the power of Christ compels you to like him! I’ve been ignoring him thus far this week, but I feel he earned a spot in this blog by treating Mrs. DeGroot like some sort of stalking-fun-killing vampire.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/7/10

In all my years of reading the strip, I have encountered few scenes in Snuffy Smith more harrowing than panel two here. Lureen looks rightly terrified at the slavering mob of women who have assembled at the Gossip Fence, the traditional gathering place for female-oriented rituals in Hootin’ Holler. Little does she know that any woman who manages to successfully bed the hamlet’s most eligible bachelor is by iron custom torn to bits and devoured by all the other women in the town. This is how the community maintains its uniform hideousness: by weeding all the even vaguely attractive people out of the gene pool.

Archie, 9/7/10

Mr. Weatherbee, with his black shirt and white jacket, always seems to be waiting for an ’80s fashion revival that never arrives; today, he’s really attempting to force the issue by donning a piano tie. GIVE IT UP, MR. WEATHERBEE. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

Spider-Man, 9/7/10

I love the fact that Spider-Man, true to his intense laziness, just automatically associates computers with video games and nothing else. “Wait, you can use the keyboard-television for things that aren’t Farmville?”

Pluggers, 9/7/10

Seriously, pluggers are shockingly lazy and just straight up don’t give a rat’s ass about what you think.

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Is this the first ever COTW post written on a moving bus somewhere on the New Jersey Turnpike, thanks to Bolt Bus’s free Wi-Fi? POSSIBLY! Anyway, enjoy your somewhat truncated (all pre-weekend getaway, sorry) comments of the week! First, your #1 comment:

“At least Lonnie died doing what he loved: nothing.” –Rhekarid

And your runners up! Also hilarious!

“I think I see the Keane parents’ plan here. They fill the pool with water every day, but each day they inch it closer to the wild expanse that is the backyard. With luck the children might someday become lost on the way back. Dolly seems to have caught on, but poor Jeffy will go on drinking his ‘water’ until it’s far too late. At night, the wolves will come.” –TheTJ

“Phantom: What sort of totalitarian police state doesn’t have standing orders to shoot through a human shield? Not any sort of totalitarian police state I’d care to infiltrate, that’s for sure.” –Greenman Lefey

“The look of pure loathing on Dolly’s face adds an extra level of pathos. ‘Insult the taste of MY urine, will you?'” –Rootboy

“It appears Dr. Mike is jumping right into his plan to dispose of his father’s body — namely, eating it by the fistful.” –Reedzilla

“Take a look at Hubby’s itty-witty hand. She probably has no reason to fear any attempt at violence, except him possibly using his huge head as a club.” –Poteet

“Of course Jamarr is ditching practice, because he fears a quarterback who is nothing but a disembodied head held up by the massive hands of some unseen fiend. Gil should be wondering about the other boys, who seem more than enthusiastic about joining in the unspeakable rituals of this coven masquerading as a ‘huddle.'” –Lawyerbob

“Coachy McFacialhair may appear emotionally stable as he disdainfully intones that Jamarr has a cold (or so he says), but look closer. His grin is frozen in a Jokeresque rictus and his eyes are practically popping out of his head. That toy telephone is going to shatter into a million pieces when he crushes it in his giant meatpaw.” –LaurenM

“Do not let that bear fool you. It is not ‘half-tamed,’ it’s just biding its time. RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN.” –Smokehouse

“I’m not up on the cost of elaborate chain link fences and a Noah’s Ark-worth of wild animals so you could host a big game hunt for your voting buddies, but wouldn’t it be cheaper to just write a news release announcing your plans to run for governor, and maybe having some signs printed and buying some air time on the Lost Forest Network?” –Dood

“If Frank eventually ends up hunting Mark Trail for sport, he can count on my vote!” –Digger

“So young Jamarr will be found out, and sat out for the first two games of the season due to his ‘cold,’ and the team will get properly stomped on and then fall just short of making the playdowns because of their star player’s laziness? Well, these are all good life lessons, I guess, something to think about five years from now when he’s making $10 million a year with the Jets.” –Mooncattie

As ever, big thanks go out to everyone who put some cash in my tip jar! And, while there are no advertisers to thank this week, there have been some exciting updates to our advertising offerings, so please check those out!