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Dick Tracy, 7/6/10

Two men have already died by gunfire in this Dick Tracy storyline, but any hardcore fan of the strip will tell you that such mundane deaths are totally inadequate. Today the villainous Anja Nu meets her end in a fashion that, if not grimly ironic (unless it turns out that she’s unhinged because she was raised by her grandfather, a Nazi fighter pilot/war criminal), is at least gruesome. One might have hoped that Dick would have found some reason to start the plane’s motor so that Nu’s body would be ground to hamburger by the spinning propeller, rather than just crushed to pulp, but I think we’ve achieved the acceptable bare minimum for Dick Tracy carnage.

Apartment 3-G, 7/6/10

Ha ha, Tommie’s pit of embarrassment just keeps getting deeper and deeper. Who are the mysterious Ted and Lucy? Well, they were the “perfect couple” who started the Margo finger-quoting craze four years ago. Then Tommie caught Lucy making out with some dude from her poetry group (with “poetry group” obviously meaning “a Craigslist casual encounters ad”), and Tommie and Ted decided to try out this adultery thing to see what all the fuss was about, with hilariously awkward results. Last we heard they had reconciled, and now we see that they’re still together; apparently they’ve come to this makeover ambush to reinforce the mutual contempt for Tommie that now keeps their marriage together.

Tommie doesn’t have a choice; her answer has to be yes. Tommie never chooses anything. Tommie just lets what happens to her happen.

Herb and Jamaal, 7/6/10

Rev. Croom’s congregation, which all the Herb and Jamaal characters seem to attend, is always thinking obsessively about the afterlife, all the time. We know that the Reverend has told Herb in confidence that his unredeemably sinful soul is destined for eternal and fiery torment, and today we see that the cycle of theological cruelty is perpetuated through the family. (Herb probably doesn’t realize that his mother-in-law already knows she is damned, though that just makes his jibe all the crueler.)

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Let me finish my bout of holiday Monday bloggin’ with your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Or maybe Funky’s still alive and the rest of Westview died from a sudden bout of cancer! Did I just blow your minds?” –Carlo

And the runners up! Very funny!

“Please let Jenna’s answer be ‘Speaking of johnsons…'” –Push Trot

“How does the baseball hit the hat off Archie’s head, and bonk him square on top of the skull? This, coupled with Jughead’s leaping whoopee cap, suggests one possibility to me: hats in the Archie universe have evolved sentience and are attempting to escape into a funnier comic with their jumping prowess.” –dodoman1

“I hate all the clothes on all the melonheads, but I particularly hate those recurring cuffs on Jeffy’s pants. I want to pour a lot of sand in them and then watch his helpless tears.” –Poteet

“Which will do the most damage to Mary Jane, being horribly burned by Iron Man’s rocket boots or being sucked through the jagged hole in the plane’s fuselage? The correct answer is ‘remaining married to Peter Parker.'” –Ed Dravecky

“Does anyone in Santa Royale eat at any fern-free restaurants?” –Comcis Fan

“Interests that Jenna will have, given that this is a Mary Worth-sanctioned date: babies.” –Sophie

“When I was a little kid, imagining what life would be like when I’d grow up, I pictured becoming an astronaut, or a fireman, or a farmer. I pictured adventure and romance. Never once did I ever think I’d be interested in a Funky Winkerbean plot line, anxious to see what happens next. Is he dead? What’s going on? If my six-year-old self could see me now, he’d probably start crying from shame.” –Krazy Kat

“9CL: At least at the end of Casablanca someone got shot. Are we to be denied even that tiny gratification?” –Walker of Dog

“Can anybody explain how this fits in with the ‘Tommie is being set-up for her I Dressed in the Dark intervention’? This whole production seems too elaborate to have been staged as a ruse. It’s as if the Monterey Pop Festival had been staged so Janis Joplin’s friends could tell her she needed to do something about her hair.” –Ned Ryerson

“Speaking of interests, what are some of yours? I’m guessing, dudes with chest hair. Am I right?” –Mysterious Shirtless Lawyer

“Ipecac? What? Was she out of razor blades?” –Sans Sense

“Fragile and ladylike as always, MJ is so embarrassed by the suggestive webbing that she is tactfully shielding her eyes from it.” –Joe Blevins

“Tommy’s humiliation fills me with delight! Were she not fictional, I would feel ashamed. It seems to fill Margo with rage, though. Probably because she has never managed to belittle someone on such a grand scale. Sure, she’s made grown men weep, but never in front of a full auditorium. Never broadcast on national television. She probably feels like a bit of a failure in comparison. Whoever she dates next is in deep, deep trouble.” –Les of the Jungle Patrol

UPDATE: Here’s a pair of additional quotes that got considered for COTW but accidentally didn’t get pasted into this list before I published it — apologies!

“You’ve got to love Mark and Rusty’s gazing towards the horizon in hopes of spotting Sassy even though every dog in the area is running toward this old woman, to eat her.” –Black Drazon

“Perhaps some of the inky blackness slowly spreading across the turquoise night sky fell on Jenna’s face.” –LaurenM

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Apartment 3-G, 7/5/10

Oh, God, Tommie’s humiliation is going to be even more delicious than I might have hoped. “Tommie, get out here! What are you wearing, a sweatsuit? You’re letting down everyone, with your ugly clothes! God, you make me want to puke. Let’s turn the house lights up, so you can see everyone’s disgusted faces!”

Mary Worth, 7/5/10

Dear Mary Worth Creative Team: I know you submit your strips weeks in advance and all, but I can’t help but feel a bit miffed that you’ve followed up my “Jenna and Mike are on drugs” funny with a strip in which our lovers are talking in oddly lucid and detached terms about their weird, altered emotional state and the “strange buzzing” they’re experiencing, all while rubbing up against each other. Has Mary so lost faith in her meddling skills that she’s resorted to spiking her victims’ meals with Ecstasy?

Mark Trail, 7/5/10

Since the main point of this storyline is to return Sassy home so that Rusty can make another horrifically overwrought facial expression, I fail to see the point to any of this sordid unlicensed animal shelter drama; people are just competing for the Sassy reward money, as is natural and healthy in a capitalist society. “Yes, Mr. Trail, your little dog is here somewhere… wait, where is he?” “Why, is this the dog you’re looking for, sir?” “Why, yes it is, mysterious mustachio’d man! Here is your reward!” “But … but … that man stole the dog from me!” “Whatever, lady, I stopped caring about this the moment the wayward puppy was returned to me. By the way, does the zoning board know you keep all these animals here?”

Dennis the Menace, 7/5/10

Mrs. Wilson has paid Dennis and Joey to induce the heart attack that will finally free her.