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Spider-Man, 7/1/10

I’ve never been on board an airplane that explosively depressurized due to a superhero cutting open the fuselage and flying out, but if I were, I’d imagine that, in my helplessness, I would actively refuse to look at the gaping maw in the side of the plane, as if that would cause it to no longer exist. If everyone else on board took the same attitude, then nobody would notice how exactly said hole would magically be filled in, and once it was fixed, we’d probably all forget about it and just return to our seats in an orderly fashion. Say, has this Georgia O’Keeffe-inspired webbing sculpture always been here? I didn’t notice it when I came on board. Must have missed it, somehow.

Dick Tracy, 7/1/10

So Dick Tracy’s current storyline, which I won’t even bother trying to explain, has ended as they all do: with a fresh corpse lying in a rapidly spreading pool of blood. This particular variation on the theme is noteworthy primarily because Dick is so gobsmacked at being rescued by Anja Nu, who, though somewhat monomaniacal about her play, we’ve had no reason to think of as being on anything other than the side of good. I guess Dick is just generally shocked at any act of kindness on anyone’s part. Maybe her “good reason” is that she just likes killing people, Dick! Surely you’d understand that.

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Funky Winkerbean, 6/30/10

So I’ve been getting lots of emails that boil down to “OMG WHY AREN’T YOU TALKING ABOUT FUNKY WINKERBEAN???” Well, because the strip is still methodically setting up whatever narratively interesting and sure-to-be-depressing plot will follow from Funky’s near-death (or possibly actual death) experience, in ways that don’t really lend themselves to humorous commentary. But, for those who simply must hear my take, it appears that we’re either going to get a glimpse of a world in which Funky never existed (i.e., It’s A Funkerful Life) or some kind of time travel plot (in either the Funky Sue Got Married or Funk To The Future variants). I promise to come back to this the next time the strip is interesting, which may be tomorrow, or never.

Meanwhile, to punish you for your pushiness, I will show you a Mark Trail villain talking dirty.

Panel from Mark Trail, 6/30/10

I hope you’ve learned your lesson!

Marmaduke, 6/30/10

This is very thoughtful of the vet tech! It would be quite harrowing for anyone else with an appointment today to bring their pets in to the vet, only to stumble on to the scene of unspeakable carnage that Marmaduke will inevitably leave in his wake.

Gasoline Alley, 6/30/10

I’m not sure what’s sadder: that Gasoline Alley is including as a plot point an ipecac-induced-vomiting trap; that the syndicate editor decided that a footnote was necessary, because nobody under the age of 50 knows what ipecac is; or that the syndicate editor believes that people under the age of 50 read Gasoline Alley.

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Apartment 3-G, 6/29/10

Wait, Ari was in the army? You’d think that his megaphone-wielding drill sergeant would have instilled enough discipline in him that he wouldn’t have become a pills-for-sex peddler in his old age. My guess is that his army service was actually a cover for his CIA work, and that the Company had him conducting MK-ULTRA mind control experiments. Ari’s involvement in that program would explain why all of those experiments failed.

Family Circus, 6/29/10

Jeffy, why do you hate America? Billy will beat some patriotism into you, in 3/4 time.

Mary Worth, 6/29/10

“Yeah, I don’t care how awkward that segue was. I am not talking about Mary fucking Worth on this date.”

Archie, 6/29/10

Jughead is breaking off his affair with Archie, because Archie is terrible in bed.