Anyway, assuming that you still have the capacity to feel joy after watching that, here’s this week’s COTW:
“I find it hard to believe that there could ever be a case of misunderstood intentions in the Mark Trailniverse, especially when everyone is always shouting their internal monologue in all caps. I mean what else can you take from ‘I’M SURE HE’LL UNDERSTAND WHEN I TELL HIM A BOY’S LIFE IS AT STAKE’? I bet the the store owner is hard of hearing. ‘WHAT’S THAT? A BOY IS A STEAK? I’LL HAVE TO ACT FAST TO APPREHEND THIS CANNIBALISTIC FREAK!'” –It’s time to pay the price
“Okay, most of us have a tryst we regret but was Wilbur’s lady so repulsive that the very mention of the ‘relationship with her’ causes Wilbur to hold his nose in disgust? I can only imagine what she must do when she thinks about that night of face slapping, ‘whoa’-yelling passion.” –Thomas B.
“Props to Jackelrod! Finally, we have a cartoonist who is willing to acknowledge his advancing age and preclude the zombification of his strip by killing off all its characters! That is what he’s doing, right?” –wagmore barkless
“I’m hoping for a Slylock Fox/Mark Trail crossover: ‘This storeowner hit Mark with a wrench because he caught him breaking and entering in order to steal an old jack, but Mark insists he was only doing it because a boy’s life was at stake. Why does Slylock suspect Mark is telling the truth?’ Answer: Slylock noticed that Mark is less suspicious-looking than the store owner, and therefore must be innocent.” –Poor Thompson
“I can see where this Mark Trail storyline is going. Sheriff: ‘Squeal like a pig!’ Mark: ‘PIGS ARE A GENUS OF EVEN-TOED UNGULATES WITHIN THE FAMILY SUIDAE.'” –Aaron
“The Python’s greatest accomplishment was to infect himself with Ebola while playing with fruitbats alone in the jungle. As a terrorist, he’s the guy that Basque separatists tell jokes about while getting drunk and vowing that their people will one day be free of the yoke of tyranny represented by trash collection policies imposed on them by Madrid. Somewhere in Uzbekistan there are three guys in a tent arguing over post-Maoist agricultural policy who have greater ideological coherence and a more compelling revolutionary agenda.” –Master Softheart
“Beetle Bailey: It’s no longer subtext at this point, right? It’s just text. Soon it will be diagrams.” –Joe Blevins
“Shoe: Ha ha! Lawyers! They suck! Why don’t they do something productive, like drawing somebody else’s comic after he dies?” –Chyron HR
“Maybe instead of just being accidentally boring, the writers of Mary Worth are giving us a powerful depiction of how lonely, boring, and emotionally bankrupt this ‘online social networking’ really is? Wilbur can remember his swingin’ college days, but he’s now so doughy that he can’t even summon up the energy to flash back to them. He hears the news that he may have a son, but it only bestirs him to make another sandwich and plop his pasty ass back down in front of that screen again.” –Mardou Fox
“Mark Trail easily has several concussions from this fishing trip alone, which would explain his panicked numbskullery and poor station-wagon-handling skills.” –ArchieNemesis
“That first panel of Crankshaft sounds like the first line of a poem. ‘Just sit there and be quiet, or I’ll do what I said’/ A single kid giggled, and shortly was dead.” –Patrick
“Dear Greg Evans: Australians do, in fact, say ‘hello.'” –Anonymous
“I love today’s Dick Tracy, in which about 50% of the comic’s space is taken up by hair, 20% is given to random violence and bruising, and 25% is given to over-sized faces and the color black. This leaves 5% of the strip for the dialogue, which is about the most enjoyable ratio in Dick Tracy.” –Alan’s Addiction
“Wilbur looks so angry because the giant thought bubble of Abby means there’s no room left in the panel for even one sandwich.” –Perky Bird
“I love Wilbur’s serious flashback face. He’s methodically and logically going through his memories of this girl to try to figure out whether or not he got her pregnant. ‘No, not this memory. Here she’s fully clothed. Next slide, please.'” –AndyL
“Oh, sure, the Lost Patrol’s all excited now. Wait until they find out that the Victoria’s Secret models have all been drawn by the same guy who draws Crock.” –Pozzo
“Yeah, June Morgan is not uptight, she’s … wait, what’s a word that means ‘really uptight’?” –Trilobite
“Wilbur: ‘Say, what’s this in the sidebar? DADS GET $10K. Hel-l-l-o, silver lining!'” –One-eyed Wolfdog
“Actually, if I were June, the first thing I’d do once Rex fell back asleep would be to Google ‘life jackets+gay slang.'” –GG
“More worrisome, though, is that Marvin THINKS a shout that’s loud enough to knock the miserable creature into the air. I can only conclude Marvin is developing psychic powers, and you all know what that means: telekinetically controlled levitating feces.” –avatarjk137
“Bitsy is actually a bigger yellow dog. This nasty little dog came with the grandparents when they moved in. I can’t remember the name, so I’ve got that going for me.” –Artist formerly known as Ben
“Note that the smoke curling out of Mary’s pot is a bright white. I believe Mary just elected a new pope.” –gkl
“I don’t know whether it’s the corrupting influence of this blog or simply a sign that I have reached my limit of Mary Worth-induced boredom at last, but whatever the reason, I am unable to read ‘How was Scott’s physical therapy session, Adrian?’ and the dialogue that follows as anything but the lewdest sort of innuendo. I thought I’d hit on a fun new way to endure the Scott-and-Adrian love story, until I got to ‘That’s what fathers are for!’ and the nausea hit.” –Anonymous
“Does the moniker ‘Crooked Croaker’ imply that the frog will begin vocalizing or that he will die in police custody?” –McManx
“I am totally psyched to meet Ruby’s new boyfriend! Queens denizen though he may be, my repeated attempts to picture him as anything other than well-nigh indistinguishable from Colonel Sanders have met with complete failure.” –Violet
