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Gil Thorp, 5/2/09

Like any comic strip plot involving the YouTube and other newfangled computery whosits, our current Gil Thorp storyline will, it appears, be all about the idiocy of the Kids Today. Specifically, this plotline’s two designated assclowns, whose names I categorically refuse to look up, have been driven mad with fame-lust after witnessing Coach Thorp’s rise to accidental head-bonking YouTube stardom. Now they themselves will attempt to make it in the highly lucrative world of videotaped injuries, which is indicative of the Warped Values that the Youth have, as a result of the Internet. They should instead be enjoying solid, wholesome, character-building activities like competitive athletics, where if you injure yourself it will only be because you are giving 110 percent, and only a few dozen people will see it, unless you make it to the pros.

The fact that the title character of Napoleon Dynamite appears unbidden as the low-rent videographer in the first panel indicates the youth-scolding agenda of this comic. That piece of young-person-beloved hipster indie cinema baffles and angers the exact same set of people who are baffled and angered by YouTube antics, so why not roll them all together into one big ball of contempt for people under the age of thirty? It’s not like any of them read the newspaper anyway.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/2/09

Ha ha, so remember the other day when I said “bring it on” to the ménage à séance and the like? Well, uh, it turns out that I’m all talk. So, um, no more with the dead wife crying ghostly tears of ghost joy as her husband makes out with his new girlfriend, OK? Please? I … I apologize, I swear, just, you know, make it stop.

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Funky Winkerbean, 5/1/09

Admit it, all of you: you would be disappointed if Dead Lisa did not occasionally manifest herself during Les’s attempts to court Cayla. It adds an element of the macabre to an otherwise low-key and fairly dull romance between two middle-aged single parents. In fact, since romantic intrusion from the spirit plane is inevitable, let’s take it all the way. I want to see the Ghost of Lisa on every single one of Les and Cayla’s dates. I want to see her feeding him romantic lines, like in Cyrano de Bergerac, only Cyrano and Christian used to be married, and Cyrano is dead. I want to see Zombie Lisa there in the bedroom, eager to help Les with necessary corrections to his sexual techniques that she was too shy to speak up about in life, which will ironically result in his inability to maintain an erection. BRING IT ON, FUNKY WINKERBEAN.

It really is good for Les that Cayla likes Woody Allen movies, by the way, because it shows that she has a certain tolerance for exasperating neurotics.

Apartment 3-G, 5/1/09

Good lord, will this Apartment 3-G storyline ever cease handing out wonderful gifts to all of us? Today’s heart-warming moment is a cop saying “You’ve been a bad boy, Dr. Kelly” while waggling an index finger scoldingly. Is he speaking in a comical Irish brogue, as his circa 1940 uniform would suggest? God, I hope so.

Sally Forth, 5/1/09

I’m pretty sure that Ted thinks Sally said “titter.”

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Pluggers, 4/30/09

Look, I of all people know that it can be hard to spin straw into comedy gold day after day, whether that straw be vaguely homoerotic hijinks in Rex Morgan, M.D., or whatever sort of poorly spelled suggestions the Chief Plugger gets via the AOL. Still, I feel like I need to hold this feature to some sort of basic standards. An installment of Pluggers should contain some kind of play on words, or a little conceptual twist, or something; it should not just be a statement of fact. It is true that individuals who fall into the squishily defined “plugger” category are probably more likely to connect to the Internet via dialup modem than the population at large, but that isn’t funny or interesting, even taking this feature’s extremely low bar for “funny or interesting” into account.

Two potential “Pluggers still use dialup” gags that would have been better:

• “Pluggers still use dialup.” Exact same art that you see here, except that the she-junior-plugger is saying “It’s your dad. He’s calling to say he got your email.” See, instead of replying via email, he’s dialing his son! Get it?
• “Pluggers still use dialup.” We see junior-dog-man-plugger’s dad on the other end of the line, sticking his tongue out as he puts his fingers in the holes of an old-fashioned (wait for it) telephone dial! See, he’s dialing the phone, like they did in the old days! Of course, the old plugger is irritating and tedious, so nobody particularly wants to talk to him; he’s probably just dialing the time and temperature number or something (oh, yes, they still exist).

Beetle Bailey, 4/30/09

Sarge refuses to acknowledge his relationship with Beetle, so in revenge the private is just going to blow as many dudes as possible.

Marmaduke, 4/30/09

Actually, Marmaduke knows exactly what he’s doing, as today’s banner headline was “MONSTROUS DOG DEVOURS EIGHT.”