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Crankshaft, 5/12/09

If the signature facial expression in Funky Winkerbean is the smirk that can’t come close to masking the pain, the signature facial expression in Crankshaft is the overwrought look of stricken horror that accompanies social embarrassment or discomfort. “Oh, no, my old father-in-law has forgotten that he will die soon!” “Oh, no, someone expressed an intimate sentiment in public!” “Oh, no, my son’s entry-level job doesn’t pay well!”

I have no idea why Pam is horrified today, mostly because I have no idea what the ’Shaft’s granddaughter is talking about here; probably she’s glad the robe is all-covering because she’s going to go streaking, or wear a bikini, or get a tattoo, or something, in which case Pam’s facial expression would mean “Oh, no, she’s planning on celebrating her graduation by having a good time!”

Baldo, 5/12/09

Tia Carmen is ever haunted by the grim specter of death, and her single slice of birthday pie cannot make her forget the creeping dread.

Lockhorns, 5/12/09

Meetings of the Hemlock Society are never particularly lively.

Mary Worth, 5/12/09

“You should judge everyone based on his own actions! For instance, you should judge your new friend based on the fact that he’s starting up an inappropriate romantic relationship with a key witness in an ongoing criminal investigation!”

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Your CsOTW momentarily, but first a couple of important items! The first, sent to me by several faithful readers, is from Shortpacked artist David Willis. You may know him as the genius behind the Finger-Quotin’ Margo shirt, and such strips as “Funky CancerCancer” and “My Mother Is F’in Insane.” Today, he brings you “Funky CreepyCreepy.” It’s … pretty much you’d think, based on the title.

Also, fans of soap opera strips (which I assume all of you are) will enjoy these podcastifications of romance strips! Thanks to faithful reader Sage Tyrtle for the tip.

And now … your comment of the week!

“Mary recognizes that a dramatic event has occurred without her involvement and, in mourning, wears black.” –150

And your runners-up:

“As for the Pluggers, they’re all hard-of-hearing, so this all-caps entry is just a more authentic glimpse into their lives. They’ve got to shout at one another just to hear themselves.” –the scientist

“We love how Diana Palmer, power-suited urban sophisticate in real life, lounges around with her spandex-clad hubby. We’re all for dressing nicely, but that designer Oona Oop number and gold armbands looks both uncomfortable and très précieuse for casual cavewear.” –Fashion Police

“As other commenters have suggested, it does seem likely this Janet Brookins is some relative of the Chief Plugger, most likely his wife, I would think. If so, does that mean he thinks of himself as the morose corpulent hound to his wife’s querulous bloated chicken?” –Violet

“IT IS RUSTY! Finally! It’s the BEST DAY EVER!” –TheCasey

“I’m endlessly amused by Margo’s use of a cell phone. She clearly thinks it’s some kind of walkie talkie that she can shout orders into. I haven’t been reading the strip very long, so the only part of her backstory I know is that she was a highly-trained assassin left behind in Vietnam after the war. I like how you can see bits of it in the confused but militaristic way she handles modern technology. It’s brilliantly drawn.” –Les of the Jungle Patrol

“Don’t despair, Dennis’ dad; I think Chicken Lady Plugger might be up for a little action. A handful of feed corn, and you’re in like the Colonel!” –Pozzo

“Actually I would have summed up today’s Pluggers as ‘Pluggers are dying, and they’re dying to tell you about it.'” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“I recommend panel 3 be recycled for a storyline in which Mark does a genital self-examination.” –Joe Blevins

“Pluggers only hock the TV after they run out of redundant organs to sell.” –Muffaroo

“I personally look forward to the strip that reveals Mark Trail has fists that erupt from his eyes.” –Rebochan

“A thought balloon would suggest that Mark has some kind of inner life, which he does not. He climbs, he races, he punches, he looks, he pokes up the fire, he talks aloud. He does not think.” –the good ship thetis

“Marital relations? I was under the impression that Mark Trail releases spores.” –Aging Hipster

“Whoa, Adrian, I don’t know what you put in those cupcakes, but it sure made your kitchen go all non-Euclidean on us.” –wagmore barkless

“You are your mother’s daughter, that’s for sure! Now, stand still while I take a hair sample, because simple math shows how unlikely it is that you’re also mine.” –BigTed

“As Adrian stares into her gloomy future, Jeff obediently repeats the words dictated to him by the tiny device in his ear.” –Poteet

“You have to feel bad for Herb. How can a man who doesn’t understand the concept of proper nouns be expected to explain anything?” –Wasabi Jane

“I like the fact that Jeffy seems mortified by Dolly’s ‘extravagant’ offer of cold cereal to Mommy on her special day. I suspect he suggested to the others that they make pancakes and bacon, or perhaps cheese blintzes, for her, and now he has to wear one of PJ’s snugglies, to hide the bruises.” –bats :[

“Your father told me about Ted. I’m so sorry! Let me recap your personal misfortune here in your workplace, within earshot of all of your friends, co-workers, and patients!” –Harold

“I like the lines of suck coming from the half Spiderman in the throwaway panel. It’s all like ‘We know! He’s terrible. And stinky.'” –Sarah

“Has … has Tommie’s entire life been leading up to Han Solo cosplay? The haircut, like Harrison Ford … the face that would look more appropriate on Harrison Ford … the complete lack of femininity, like Harrison Ford…” –Dragon of Life

“The economy is hurting the Hi and Lois characters worse than I thought: Hi is drinking cold beans straight from the can. I think Ditto’s reaction is a double whammy of ‘They buried Beethoven ALIVE?!’ and stepping into the noxious plume behind his father’s ass.” –survivor

“Wow, Brad is flushing his shot at pity sex right down the toilet. And Toni won’t even help him.” –Digger

And you should actually go back to yesterday’s thread and read Captain Thunder and Comrade Denny’s on-the-fly collaborative opus They Buried Beethoven Alive!, which takes my one-off joke to its hilarious conclusion over multiple posts. Just search on their names, alternatingly.

I give prodigious thanks to those who put some money in my tip jar — you know who you are! I’d also thank our advertisers … if there were any who bought BlogAds ads, and who thus get thanked every week! Sadly, there aren’t any this week — maybe next week I’ll be thanking you! To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

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Hi and Lois, 5/11/09

Well, here it is: the first Hi and Lois in living memory at which I laughed more or less unironically, mostly because I think They Buried Beethoven Alive! would be the great name of a low-budget zombie flick. The thought of the greatest composer of the Romantic period shuffling through the streets of Vienna and moaning melodically for brains is ever so delightful to me. (The victory of the living would come when the film’s hero realizes that undead Beethoven was still deaf, meaning that anti-zombie hunters could sneak up on him from behind undetected.)

Anyway, my amusement at the joke was genuine enough that it seems churlish to point out that it doesn’t really make much sense. I suppose it’s just the usual “Ha ha, the hip-hop music that the kids today enjoy is the nadir of human creative expression, let us be ever so smug about it by invoking the name of people who died 200 years ago,” but I can’t figure out why exactly Beethoven’s corpse would find a teenager’s financial success in the music world to be shocking. Beethoven grew up a generation after Mozart had made musical child prodigies trendy, and had himself performed (paid) public concerts at the age of seven. Maybe he would just think it improper that the rapping lad is in control of his own finances and is spending money on gaudy palaces, when everyone knows that a great composer ought to live in an apartment rented for him by a bishop-elector or archduke.

Archie, 5/11/09

This strip gives me an opportunity to share a link to a blog post several faithful readers sent me a few weeks ago, explaining the origins of Jughead’s hat. In short, it’s about as retro piece of costuming as you can get, as you might have realized if you had, say, thought about it for more than 30 seconds. Still, I kind of like this strip, mostly because everyone is so angry at Jughead. They take their theme parties seriously in Riverdale, by God.

Apartment 3-G, 5/11/09

It’s no secret that Margo and Tommie don’t always get along, but it appears that, having joined forces to defeat a man in combat, they’re finally bonding a little bit. Margo has broken out a bottle of her finest black bile for the occasion, and is even letting Tommie wear her sexy Han Solo vest.

Luann, 5/11/09

Last week, Brad was injured saving Toni from a fall while the two of them were fighting a fire, and in gratitude she agreed to serve as his “day nurse” while he was recovering. Today, we realize that this storyline will be even more repulsive than any of us could have imagined. “But … all the naughty nurses in the movies on hotscatporn.com thought it was a real turn-on!”