Post Content

Dick Tracy, 2/4/09

“Ethan Noll — Ethan Noll? Like ethanol, the volatile, flammable grain alcohol that some think could be a valuable fuel source, and which is often derived from corn, which in turn is the main crop in Iowa, the location of Professor Noll’s university? I wonder if this offers a clue of some sort to the denouement of this episode? Naw! Too much of a coincidence. Literally every human being I meet has a name that’s a pun of some sort, and only half of those turn out to be relevant.”

There are many things I dislike about Dick Tracy — currently at the top of my list is its decision to renew its earlier flirtation with Comic Sans (HEY GUYS JUST BECAUSE IT’S IN BOLD DOESN’T MEAN WE CAN’T TELL) — but the weird fractured chronology on display in the second and third panels, in which an event is first recounted second-hand and then shown to us in flashback, isn’t one of them. This is actually a fairly common technique in the strip, and I’ve grown to appreciate it more as I read it; it at least adds a little narrative interest among the stubby fingers and the bludgeonings. It reminds me of the weird editing in Steven Soderbergh’s The Limey, only with even more graphic and brutal killings.

Funky Winkerban, 2/4/09

“Yup, I’m all set to start writing again, and AAAH AAAH AAAH IT’S THE REANIMATED CORPSE OF MY DEAD WIFE!” Ha ha, just kidding, Les wouldn’t be terrified by this prospect; the appearance of his wife, resurrected as a shambling zombie-demon, would be the highest form of erotica for him.

I was blessedly out of the FW loop during the storyline being described here, but many commentors seem to recall it as one of those irritating lesser-Shakespeare-comedy-type plots where the protagonists keep having their meeting thwarted by random circumstance (much like Darrin and Lisa’s attempts to track each other down before the latter’s death). If that’s true, then surely Les will be able to produce a new book that’s as big a flop as his last one, and the cycle of misery will be complete.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/4/09

Hmm, Second Officer Tomas, who in previous appearances looked to be of Latin or African descent, has made an appearance today looking thoroughly Caucasianized. Perhaps he’s still desperately attempting to placate the drunken, belligerent WASPs who make up most of the ship’s passengers, and thus is switching races himself so as to put them all at ease. Thus the patient requiring medical attention is Guido himself, with Rex being called upon to provide more enwhitening injections.

Marmaduke, 2/4/09

Marmaduke’s owner can’t get the dog to stay off the furniture, stop digging up the back yard, or refrain from eating the neighbors, but at least he’s managed to instill his own virulent anti-Semitism into the hell-beast.

Ziggy, 2/4/09

Hey, everybody! Have you heard about all the corporate bailouts? Ziggy has, apparently! Maybe someday the strip will get around to making a joke about them.

Post Content

Gil Thorp, 2/3/09

Is today’s Gil Thorp the hottest Gil Thorp ever? Probably! It has a little something for everyone: panel three features Brenda and Dylan “connecting” with some sexy hetero making out (or maybe emergency mouth-to-mouth, or mutual cannibalism — it’s hard to tell), and panel two has two Lady Mudlarks I can’t identify (one of whom may also be Brenda, who knows) making sexy eye contact in preparation for the post-victory locker-room hookup. In panel one, meanwhile, Bryce Larkin works out obsessively at Jo’s Gym (motto: “We created our logo ourself rather than paying professional graphics designers; sure, it’s unspeakably shitty, but now we have more money to spend on free weights”) to get his body so taut and muscular that Gil won’t be able to reject his advances again, presaging hottness to come.

Momma, 2/3/09

Is today’s Momma the hottest Momma ever? Probably! Sure, the action is mostly incomprehensible — Is Francis supposed to be underage? Is the lovelorn cashier offering to cover up the fact he’s buying booze with his mother’s money? How is it possible that anyone is attracted to Francis? — but at least it’s a Momma that involves romantic attraction and yet doesn’t dwell on Momma’s demented, perverted suitors, her doomed attempts to protect Marylou’s virtue, or her unsettling Oedipal relationship with her sons, so let’s just count our blessings and move on.

Mark Trail, 2/3/09

“No, this situation doesn’t involve me! As a result, I’m just going to leave my weeping, terrified friend alone with her violent, angry husband! I’m sorry about this, Patty … I’ll send you copies of the nonspecified pictures, which a jealous person might assume would be sexy!”

Apartment 3-G, 2/3/09

“So you just allowed your husband to go out and follow his passions and convictions, rather than forcing him to spend all his time servicing you and earning money to buy you nice things? My head swivels in disapproval! That’s not how it’s going to be when I marry Eric — not if that combination tracking device/shock collar I just ordered from Amazon has anything to say about it.”

Post Content

Hey everyone, without further ado, it’s time for your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“I think we can safely add Ziggy’s cat to the list of pets he’s having sex with. Someone is keeping this list, right? Not it.” –Cranky

And the many runners up! Man, they are funny.

“Mark Trail’s sex fantasies look like the Boy Scout handbook, sharing a distinctive style characterized by (1) a wealth of informative facts arranged into short, neat paragraphs and (2) a complete absence of sex.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“No, Luann, it doesn’t make you cattle, but it does put you in the 98th pay percentile of prostitutes for your state.” –sugarpie

“Rex looks very Montgomery Clift in Panel 3, I must say. And very Joan Crawford in Panel 2. Neither bode well for June, or explain Sarah.” –teddytoad

“Sam decides that it is finally time to teach Sophie his own technique for dealing with being smarter than everyone else: emotional disengagement, boredom, and condescension. Remember, Sophie, arrogance is more than a social handicap, it’s a psychological defense mechanism!” –Master Softheart

“Thus begins yet another bloodsoaked chapter in ‘Officer’ Tracy’s genocidal campaign against the hideously deformed. And yet the Keane kids with their oversized melon heads somehow escape your homicidal rage. Why God? Why!!!?” –Sunny Mel Blatherscythe

“Who would intentionally leave their son on a cruise ship? By the way, which celebrity do I look like when I make this face? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not NOT Joan Rivers.” –Amanda M

“I think Elmo might be excused for some confusion as to Dagwood’s antiquity, given that the latter is strolling jauntily down the street in a dashing cerulean frock coat carrying an old-timey washboard.” –Violet

“Panel 3 looks to me like Matt Damon & Ben Affleck are hanging out, waiting for an opportunity to show Marty their screenplay for Good Will Hunting 3: Have Good, Will Hunt.” –bobk

“I blame panel 1 on all the cutbacks the newspapers have been making. The editors refuse to give the artist enough room for the art, so these poor high school students are forced into a panel that’s much too small for them. Ultimately, I blame Craigslist.” –PeteMoss

“I love how [Dick Tracy] creates suspense. You have to wait several days just to find out what simple English phrases mean. It’s like if the dictionary had a ‘To be continued’ tag.” –Donald the Anarchist

“Notice how no one in that fancy schmancy restaurant is reflected in the mirror on the wall? Either they’re all vampires and that really IS blood in Mary’s glass, or the mirror just can’t bring itself to double the number of HIDEOUS outfits those diners are wearing. Geez, is that girl still wearing a sweaty warm-up jacket?” –Charterstoned

“The whole abusive husband plus wife with a deer thing in Mark Trail reminds of a story by Arthur Machen or Saki or someone like that. The husband ends up getting impaled.” –Mr. O’Malley

“Mark is taking this news about an emotionally-abusive, violent husband with remarkable calm. I bet he’d have that same expression if he came home and found Cherry lying dead on the floor. He’d call 911, but his mouth would still retain that firm half-smile, the one that says Death is just another bad guy with facial hair.” –Poteet

“Lynn looks like she’s pretty much done with being grief stricken. One victory, and she forgets all about .. you know, what’s his name … dead kid?” –buckyswife

“I like the way Summer, in her own fit of depression about being the second banana on the team, decides that she’s going to drag everyone down with her. Today, it’s Les and the spectre of death. Tomorrow: ‘Hey Funky — do you miss the alcohol-induced haze?’ Next day: ‘Hi Harry, do you miss the sense of hear — I SAID HI HARRY! YES, HELLO! I SAID THAT TO YOU.'” –blammers66

“What exactly is Lois complaining about when she says ‘No lights’ (I’ll just ignore the fact that she’s looking directly at a light while saying it)? No light means that she temporarily doesn’t have to see the rest of her family’s hair, which can only be a good thing.” –peabody

“Dennis’ grasp on reality is bizarrely inconsistent. Note how, even though he’s asleep, he realizes his mother would think her neighbour’s behaviour is strange at best, yet later he is content to make believe it’s still the ’50s, ice cream is still sold in ‘shoppes,’ and Dennis the Menace is still relevant.” –Black Drazon

“OH MY GOD! Margo is an undercover agent hunting the enemies of the Chinese Government! This explains EVERYTHING! Although the modern Chinese government isn’t nearly cruel enough to justify their having Margo in their arsenal. My guess is the storyline is about to involve a time machine, the Cultural Revolution, and a necklace made of skulls. In a subplot, Tommie will attend a movie by herself.” –Lettuce

“I really did think the first panel of Trail was a joke between a cow and a deer. ‘What’s the difference between antlers and horns?’ ‘Gee, Bessie, I don’t know?’ (ribald punchline follows)” –Shmork

“About the only thing Electro’s outsized headgear is good for is preventing him from making a dramatic entrance through a normal door into any room. Maybe he has French doors at home. Maybe that’s why all his crimes are outside.” –trey le parc

“I, for one, embrace our new Laugh Unit overlord as he/it nears fully loaded status. I have prepared the sides and back of my scalp with a hot waffle iron in anticipation.” –migellito

And hey, I must as always give big ups to those who put some scratch in my tip jar — you know who you are! And our advertisers know that they too are great:

• Safeguard Against FEAR: By optioning one of our carefully engineered FEAR AWAY memberships, you will be able to safeguard yourself against the unlikely event of FEAR induced panic. 1-877-FEAR-AWAY!
• Take the top spot, win $1,000,000: Doritos is giving people a chance to have their commercial aired during the Super Bowl, and possibly win $1,000,000!

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.