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Mary Worth, 2/11/09

The last time Mary Worth decided to build a story around this new-fangled “Internet,” was last summer, when Tobey Cameron foolishly decided to engage in e-commerce rather than patronizing one of her local shabby strip malls. Obviously she immediately fell prey to a terrible phishing scam, which gave her nightmares about Ian leaving her because of her foolishness. (In the end, the punishment was much worse: he decided to stay.) The takeaway, obviously, is that the Internet is nothing more than a four-lane highway for deceit that good, honest people should stay away from at all costs, which means that Adrian’s new guy will be one or more of the following:

• Married
• An con artist
• A World of Warcraft addict/shut-in
• A furry
• Wanted war criminal Ratko Mladic, wearing a “very clever disguise”

Not that there’s anything wrong with at least two of those things! But let me say this: my wife and I met on an Internet dating site, and, perhaps more relevant to this strip’s demographics, so did my father-in-law and his fianceé, and if this plotline ends with Mary narrowly preventing Adrian from being made into a lampshade by her maniacal online paramour, leading many lonely Mary Worth devotees to hurl their devil-computers into the street in terror, then I will be very upset! If, on the other hand, the Internet is shown to be a fun and exciting way to meet new people, I will be pleased, even if the result is a surge of new users on Match.com with screen names like DrJeffLover.

Family Circus, 2/11/09

Possible sets of individuals that Billy might be encompassing with the pronoun “we”:

• Billy and Mommy
• Billy and Jeffy
• The entire family, together, in some kind of horrifying pollen-mingling process that takes place in the Keane Kompound’s secret underground breeding chamber

It’s a sad day when the alien plant-monster hypothesis is the least disturbing.

Judge Parker, 2/11/09

“Also, seeing as the only people who ever dressed like this were FBI agents, circa 1964, I need you to tell J. Edgar Hoover that I’ll be out of the office for a few days.”

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Gil Thorp, 2/10/09

Shocking developments in Gil Thorp! We’ve learned that Dylan was a teenage stick-up artist, and that Brenda is trying to have it both ways: she wants to imagine that he’s reformed (“But that was more than 30 months ago! Now you’re a slightly older teenager, and somewhat less immature! After what I presume to be some kind of punishment, surely you’ve completely changed!”) while he gives her the sort of half-assed tough-guyisms that keep the girls coming back. YOU KNEW HE HAD A SOUL PATCH WHEN YOU MET HIM, BRENDA! WHAT SORT OF MAN DID YOU EXPECT HIM TO BE?

Meanwhile, Bryce is making himself noticed in the locker room, if by “making himself noticed” you mean “rambling on egomaniacally while literally every other person in the room ostentatiously ignores him.” Frankly, more sarcastic narration boxes can only help this feature.

Gasoline Alley, 2/10/09

I’m not interested in rehashing the last God knows how many weeks of Gasoline Alley, which have mostly served as a primer for diner lingo; just take my word for it that, as a side benefit, they have also involved Slim’s humiliation and failure. Slim is the only Gasoline Alley character for whom I can work up any feelings whatsoever, and those feelings are equal parts distaste and disgust; still, I do have to respect the sadness of the second panel of today’s strip, in which the food-addicted man-child’s suddenly crumpled face reflects a moment of terrible self-knowledge. Because of said disgust and distaste, though, such moments are like catnip to me, and Slim reasserts his usual mode of being (belligerent ignorance) in panel three, reinforcing my prejudice against him.

Apartment 3-G, 2/10/09

You might think that Tommie and Gary’s incredibly awkward verbal sparring — it’s like Tracy and Hepburn, if both Tracy and Hepburn were half-thinking about something else, and neither was a native speaker of English — isn’t going to lead to romance, and you’d be right. Still, it appears that Gary has fulfilled his primary mission: to distract Tommie with his clumsy banter, and use her distraction as an opportunity to steal her tea. Presumably he’ll soon be on his way.

Mark Trail, 2/10/09

OH MY GOODNESS! BUCKY IS THE RISEN CHRIST-DEER! AND PATTY IS MARY MAGDALENE! AND … you know what, I think I’m going to stop riiiight about there.

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OK, comments of the week are coming momentarily! But first, a few items of interest. I begin with what is for me an extremely rare non-paid endorsement of a thing you have to buy for money. I have been looking forward for a while to I Saw You. This book is edited by Julia Wertz (of The Fart Party fame) and has comics from a number of up and coming cartoonists, all based on Missed Connections ads from Craigslist. Now it is here and it is pretty cool! I urge you to check it out.

Also! You have no doubt been breathlessly awaiting the appearance of another Protectors Of The Earth video! Well, wait no longer, ’cause here it is:

And now, with that out of the way … your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“The thing about Mary Worth’s outfit is this: I wore the same thing once. Of course, it was 1995, I was 15, and I hated myself.” –Anne

And the runners up — very funny! Every week this list gets longer — I think y’all are just getting funnier:

“‘I don’t know what your problem is, Ken, but it DOESN’T INVOLVE ME!’ Something Mary Worth will never ever say.” –Bootsy

“June hasn’t seen Rex’s medical ‘staff’ in years, and when she does it’s always on strike. There’s also a bowling metaphor I can’t work in there just yet.” –sugarpie

“Should we be glad that the items on the belt are not drawn with greater clarity? I mean, six-pack of what?” –NoVan

“Momma has more than one son? I would say ‘how could I miss that?’ but I’m pretty sure it’s from studiously not paying attention.” –A New Day

“I suspect most fans of legacy strips are illiterate and are just relieved to see a familiar face in the morning. ‘Sarge is still fat? Good, the world makes sense.'” –Donald the Anarchist

“I see that Les geared up for his writing session by spiking his coffee with mescaline. Honestly, it’s the best decision anyone has made in the Funkyverse in months.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Where I come from, deer are skittish around two violent men bringing the fists, as well as around anything else that moves or breathes. But Mark’s battery is so fluid as to actually soothe nervous fauna.” –Edgy DC

“Fantasizing about your dead wife is one thing, but that he always imagines her dressed as an auto mechanic is starting to creep me out. Role-playing can be good for a relationship but really man, its time to let her go.” –Eamon

“Can you believe someone just asked Mary Worth to stay longer? Though, in fairness, her Walter Cronkite hairdo and Grunge Barbie ensemble do make for a fascinating juxtaposition.” –Violet

“Even before Frank touched Mary’s shoulder, the events of the previous night were readily apparent, since they both went to the skating rink still wearing their pajamas.” –seismic-2

“Now as Electro, ain’t nothing I can’t do!! Except maintain a shred of my dignity!” –AmazingThor

“Nine hour sex romp? I bet 8.5 of those hours were spent with Mary giving Frank advice on how to find her G-spot.” –Ranger

“‘You’ve been a great host.’ ‘And you’ve been a great parasite.'” –Muffaroo

“The Venn diagram is indeed the Olympic symbol dating from when there were only two continents, Laurasia and Gondwanaland. This was during the early Jurassic era, 180 million years ago, which is of course when Mary Worth was written.” –seismic-2

“I know Zits has a history of repeating the same joke for a week, but this time I’m not even sure what the ‘joke’ is supposed to be. Those communicable diseases, huh? They sure are virulent! I wish there was this much epidemiology in Rex Morgan.” –the grene kni3t

“Electro’s costume is fascinating. Look at those gloves. Is he having some kind of secret contest with himself to see how many jagged appendages he can sport without getting snagged on something?” –Poteet

“Actually, Mary seems to be pressing her fingers to her ears in a desperate attempt to block out horrific memories. Oh! The wind … almost ruffling my hair-helmet … No! The thought of freedom … mine or anyone else’s … too horrible … going to pass out … Is this Frank’s revenge?” –Eldaglass

“Wow, Marvin’s dad has some huge feet. And you know what they say about men with huge feet. But if you think it about Marvin’s dad, you’ll just wind up blowing your brains out. You’re already thinking it, aren’t you? Sorry about that.” –Zeeba Neighba

“Yes, endless freedom. Of the sort that only serious disposable income can provide! Which reminds me, I have to get back to Charterstone and restore law and order and class purity.” –bitter law student

“Marvin has previously known how to speak, then forgotten, so I figure there’s a good chance that he’ll ‘forget’ that he’s potty-trained too. Basically, Marvin is a demon sent to torment these two, who must have done something really bad.” –Mac

“Jesus, Mary Worth + Frank? I think we’ve all dodged a bullet on that one; Mary’s aggressive interference is a primal force of nature, and as such requires an equal, opposite force of cowering, sponge-like submission to cancel it out, hence the existence of Dr. Jeff. Had Mary instead decided to consummate an unholy union with Frank, their conflicting belligerence would have no outlets, leaving the planet as a whole exposed to apocalyptic levels of meaningful glares, raised hands, and indignant finger-pointing.” –Muddtallica

“Do these people not understand their characters are fictional, and do not require payment for years of faithful service?” –Uncle Lumpy, re: Judge Parker’s ludicrous book deal

“The fact that the two business-suited men who look exactly the same in Judge Parker keep changing places as the strip shifts perspective is driving me crazy. It’s a good thing they’re following the Clark Kent rule by having one of them wear glasses, or we’d never have any idea which one’s the boring creep and which one’s the annoying jerk.” –BigTed

“Who else thinks that the ‘And I’m just taking my time about it’ panel of Judge Parker should be in every strip of the feature, as an introduction? On second thought, I think that it would be perfectly acceptable as the only panel.” –peabody

Judge Parker: “Criminy this strip is dull. At least Atticus Finch shot a rabid dog.” –Stroker Ace

“The writers of The Phantom seem awfully confident that they’re constantly bringing in new readers with their never-ending need to explain why Ol’ Purple Tights goes by ‘Walker.’ If I were the 94-year-old shut-in who is no doubt the lone unironic reader this strip still has, I feel like I’d be very offended at the idea that I’d forgotten.” –Windier E. Megatons

“The creepiness of that Phantom is heightened for me by the panel where he’s telling his young charge to be quiet while discreetly chloroforming his horse.” –SecretMargo

“Ugh. I can’t believe I fell for Mary Worth and her stupid, mean bait-and-switch. Not only did she not fall on the ice, but she tricked me into watching stupid Frank make a stupid pass at her. And then Josh comes along and somehow manages to make it even grosser. Is there an emoticon for ‘I just threw up in my mouth, and also my will to live is gone’? I’m guessing it involves the option key.” –Meanwhile

“Since when does Rex Morgan have blue eyes? The only acceptable eye colors for comics characters are newsprint, ink smudge, and flesh.” –Esther Blodgett

“Thanks, for bringing this book contract down, Sam. Now get the fuck out so I can get back to masturbating to the JCPenney bra ad.” –Cranky

“You know how I know Tommie and Gary were made for each other? Gary’s totally inappropriate disgruntled look in panel 3, when Tommie responds to his mild sarcastic banter with equivalently mild sarcastic banter. ‘You took it too far, Tommie,’ he thinks to himself. ‘Too far!'” –teddytoad

“Wait — they’re allowed to KILL things in Mark Trail? I thought his fists were the only violence allowed in this comic; otherwise I would’ve started advocating the wholesale slaughter of the main characters years ago (with the exception of Mark’s fists, of course).” –Alan’s Addiction

“Panel 2 in A3G makes me think of Tommie’s uninspiring, 52 cent future wedding: her fiancé dressed in beige, she in her kerchief, and that mounting tremor going up her body, eyes flicking to watch Margo just sitting there, eyes lowered, as the priest asks if there’s any objection. She’ll wait until the last moment before she objects, of course. Oh, not Margo: she just needs to be in the room and Tommie will do it herself.” –Black Drazon

“Did Gary walk over to the apartment holding his lapels the whole way? ‘Tommie, I LOVE this jacket, but hoo, does it stink! Smell that!'” –Idols of Mud

Also, there was an amusing outbreak earlier of “cartoon character walks into a bar” jokes. My favorite, from dougrogers, was “Mary Worth walks into a bar … eventually.”

I give prodigious thanks to those who put some money in my tip jar — you know who you are! I’d also thank our advertisers … if there were any who bought BlogAds ads, and who thus get thanked every week! Sadly, there aren’t any this week — maybe next week I’ll be thanking you! To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.