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Apartment 3-G, 10/21/08

It looks like Apartment 3-G, having made drug abuse and murder bland and vaguely boring, is about to do the same for China’s meddling in Tibetan monastic politics. Remember how Eric was supposed to be rescuing his brother from some combination Tibetan temple/hospital/Chinese prison thingy in Lhasa, or something? Apparently he took this Lodi character instead, which we may or may not have been told at the time? Lodi, I am assuming, is a stand-in for Gedhun Choekyi Nyima, who was chosen as Panchen Lama as a child with the Dalai Lama’s blessing; he and his family were taken out of Tibet by the Chinese government and haven’t been seen since, while the government has nominated its own candidate for the post. Gedhun/Lodi seems to be none the worse for wear for his time as a political prisoner, having learned valuable English and hiking skills. The question is, can he retain his sense of detachment from desire and suffering upon encountering the ultimate threat to any holy man: Margo Magee?

Family Circus, 10/21/08

It’s obviously unsettling that the Keanes have some kind of gargantuan microwave that can heat up an entire full-sized pizza, though that may explain why Billy thinks that nuking food qualifies as “making” it. Poor Jeffy is once again stuck with the being-baffled-by-everyday-slang role usually reserved for comical foreigners, robots and aliens, and dorky white dudes. But what really gets me about this cartoon is the drooping tip of Billy’s pizza. I imagine that he’s gesticulating with the slice, the tip flopping up and down as he does so, grease splattering everywhere. I think that it would be pretty hypnotic to watch; no doubt that’s what Mommy is focusing on, which is why she looks so beatific despite being surrounded by morons.

Luann, 10/21/08

“I mean, Toni never talks about him, but he hangs around in my mind … brawny … vaguely threatening … half-dressed…”

Mary Worth, 10/21/08

Oh, Dr. Jeff, always so bad at strategy. If you’re going to try to escape Mary’s clutches, you don’t announce it. You just leave town the minute she walks out the door. You can set her condo on fire on your way out if it would make you feel better.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/21/08

Ha ha, Rex is grinding something! Get it, because … ha ha … grinding … oh, what’s the use.

Based on Sarah’s weird, distorted face in the final panel, I’m guessing the wind is so strong and the boats are tilting because they’ve accidentally wandered into a nuclear weapons test site. Soon everyone will be killed in a ball of flame, which will at least alleviate the boredom of watching a sailboat race.

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No beating around the bush today! Right to the COTW!

“I am just plain icked out by the direction Luann has been taking over the last couple of weeks. It appears to be morphing into what essentially amounts to the softest-core porn ever. It’s like porn for children in the fifties.” –Violet

And the runners up! Another very strong week this week…

“I also notice [that Mary] did NOT say, ‘As I live and breathe.’ This is because Mary Worth is a ghoul who neither lives nor breathes. I assume this comes as a shock to no one.” –Donald The Anarchist

“Oh, how I wish I’d waited until morning to view this post! Now I have to contend with ‘Wonder Mary’ all night long. And I was hoping to masturbate tonight, damn it!” –cheech wizard

“Maria appears not to be eating but rather to be pulling, with a dinner fork, an alien parasite from her esophageal tract. I’m surely mistaken, because that would be exciting, and this is Spider-Man.” –Beatrice

“Someone earned a salary this week by reading Herb and Jamaal before publication and then inserting the words ‘to sleep’ into the first panel to ensure nothing indecent could be construed out of it. That person probably got a loan to buy a $500,000 house. The risk on that loan was repackaged into credit default swaps multiple times and sold to multiple different financial institutions. In case you are wondering, that is how I will explain the current economic crisis to anyone who asks from now on.” –DaveyK

“I dunno, I think it’s kind of surreally adorable. I like to think that between panels one and two she unhinged her jaw and swallowed that whole.” –commodorejohn, on Maria’s eating style

“Wow. I wonder if tomorrow’s installment will include Herb thinking, ‘Sitting on the toilet is the best place for crapping.'” –Dr. Pants

“I love Maria’s black lip gloss. Since it doesn’t seem to smear when you slather it with drawn butter, it’s perfect for the girl on the go.” –bitter law student

“Mark is going to see right through Sue’s intentions, just like we see through her terrible dye job. Honestly, Sue, did you forget you had eyebrows?” –Lithros

“It’s the psychic taint left by the hundreds of homicides that detective has investigated that is attracting Margo to him. Residual pain is like cologne to her.” –willieO

“WHY DON’T YOU TELL US AGAIN, MUCH MORE EMPHATICALLY, EXACTLY WHAT THE SITUATION IS AND HOW MARY WILL BE MEDDLING IN IT?” –Angry Kem

“I find myself seriously appreciating Matt’s hat — not so much because of the style, but because it allows me to distinguish him from all of the other characters in the strip, including the women.” –Honeypot

“Otto may be able to drink his water from a straw, but he probably still has to get up to go pee, while a more canny dog would have a deep chamber pot handy.” –docweasel

“Also, when was the last time any sentient being uttered the words ‘How about a hot date?’ My guess: approximately never.” –Skullturf Q. Beavispants

“I interpreted the head bobbing of Jeffy’s dad to be the onset of Parkinson’s. I’ll bet he’s wishing he used some of his own litter for their stem cells right about now.” –Bribaby

“Mr. Dithers is setting himself about one hunger attack away from meeting his end as part of an enormous sandwich.” –Djagir

“Elsewhere, Stan Lee kicks off another riveting week of Spider-Man non-action with a delightful bit of onomatopoeia. SLUDDDD: The sound made by a pompous cheap-suited Hitler lookalike being thrown across a restaurant floor by an unimposing fifth-tier villain dressed like a 1970s movie producer. Add it to your dictionaries, kids!” –Muddtallica

“Only in MW does ‘tout’ get used properly, instead of as some substitute for another word, much like the ‘flout/flaunt’ problem. This is because Mary and Jeff are sophisticated androids programmed with excellent grammar. Which would also explain their ‘romance’.” –CanuckDownSouth

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Slylock Fox, 10/20/08

Dirty Dog is wearing some kind of anteater costumer that compresses his jaw forward and thrusts his sore tooth into an incredibly unnatural position, which ought by rights to be punishment enough for his bank-robbing ways.

I was about to remark that it seems strange that he would bite somebody or something during a bank robbery, but he is, after all, a dog. He probably rolled around in his own poop while he was at it.

Blondie, 10/20/08

Hey everyone, guess what the Word That We’re Going To Repeat And Emphasize Over And Over Again For No Good Reason Until It Totally Creeps You Out is?

Hi and Lois, 10/20/08

Hi and Lois were on drugs at that party, just like they are right now.