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Gil Thorp, 11/10/08

The Sad Story Of Soft-Hearted Jeff And Matt The Hat reached its natural climax last week; but if we learned anything from the Sad Story Of Elmer The Unwitting Illegal Immigrant, it’s that Gil Thorp cares nothing for your fancy literary theories as to what constitutes a satisfying narrative arc. No, we’re instead going to be subjected to the meandering post-big-reveal goings-on around Milford High, in which our students and coaches will try and mostly fail to grapple with the new reality that’s been unveiled. It’s just like real life, but with worse hair and more mutant disembodied flipper-hands.

Anyway, the ’Czak is being hailed school-wide as a hero, as beefy morons who risk their lives for the entertainment of others always are, which means that his heart-healthy behatted friend will take the fall. The sad thing is that the arbiter of Milford ethics is the Milford Trumpet, a publication that can’t do better for signage than a piece of paper taped to a doorway. It’s probably not surprising that Matt’s journalistic overlords are upset for his participation in this deception, but I feel compelled to point out that they didn’t see any problem with him writing a glowing piece about his best friend.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/10/08

As is all too typical for me, I totally lost interest in the current Rex Morgan plotline once it got “exciting.” To wrap up briefly: Tweaks’s boat capsized, Rex leapt into the water to save him, and Lenore and Tweaks made up in the ambulance, because it turns out that he didn’t actually cheat on her with some young secretary — he just told people that he did, which is totally OK. This strip in noteworthy, though, because in panel two Rex, speaking as Lenore’s doctor, helpfully points out that she’s going to die soon.

Spider-Man, 11/10/08

Hey, everybody, remember Saturday, when Spidey had mysteriously burst free from Big Time’s nutty handcuffs? Well, it turned out that, uh, didn’t happen. I’m OK with this blatant discontinuity, though, because it provides an opportunity for more Spider-Boneheadery, as our hero uses an oncoming train to burst his bonds, with his total dismemberment being only a minor side effect. My heart goes out to those commuters whose trip home will be delayed.

Gasoline Alley, 11/10/08

Also, remember Saturday when Gasoline Alley promised us a wacky Bonnie and Clyde-esque flight from the law across America? Well, it turns out that Slim will just be talking about his big ass instead, with visual aids.

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Mary Worth, 11/9/08

So for weeks now we’ve been watching the slow-motion buildup in this storyline, seeing Frank berate his sad sub-Olympic-level daughter, and wondering “When? When will the meddling begin? For the love of God, when?” Today, my friends … today is the day that the meddling begins. In the final panel, you can get a sense of the terrible wrath about to be unleashed as Mary’s face turns unnaturally blue and yellow and radiates pure meddling-energy. Her awesome and horrifying third eye is also beginning to become visible.

By the way, Frank, in case you’re wondering, it was the phrase “Mary, don’t interfere!” that sealed your fate. You may as well have danced in front of a lion shouting “Lion, don’t chew off my genitals!” while wearing underwear made of raw meat.

Dennis the Menace, 11/9/08

Here’s another entry in my occasionally interesting series of Comics Whose Tones Are Fundamentally Changed By The Throwaway Panels. Without that first row — which doesn’t appear in all newspapers — this strip consists of stomach-churning anti-menacing, in which our supposed hellion asks a loving God to shine grace upon all the people in his life, even those with whom he has an adversarial relationship. However, the opening panels reveal Dennis’s fundamental disbelief in anything so trite as a “happy ending.” In that light, his prayers can be read as a desperate plea to stave off the inevitable pain, heartbreak, and sorrow that will afflict his friends and neighbors.

And speaking of pain, heartbreak, and sorrow…

Funky Winkerbean, 11/9/08

“Okay, everybody! Say: achievement! Because even though you’re all 47 or 48 and yet look fifteen years older, it’s quite an ‘achievement’ that you survived being struck dead by cancer, or war, or cancer, or general despair.”

Also! In unrelated news, this week Amos and Edda, the two lead characters in 9 Chickweed Lane, finally had the sex, as indicated through the cartoonist’s usual elliptical methods. I read 9CL but don’t comment on it much, mostly because it’s simultaneously better in many ways than most of the strips I make fun of here and also is irritating to me in ways that don’t produce humorous commentary but rather just peevishness. However, all week commentors have been demanding my opinion on the Great Deflowering, which finally led me to write, in the comments section of the previous post, the following:

A comic appears on this site is not because something momentous happens in it, but because I can think of something funny to say about it. I can think of nothing funny to say about the aggressively virginal ape-faces in 9CL finally deciding to fuck and/or hand jive, for some reason. Sorry.

Upon reflection, though, that is actually a kind of funny thing to say, if I do say so myself, so I thank all of you for pushing me out of my comfort zone.

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Spider-Man, 11/8/08

Spider-Man has posed one vaguely interesting super-hero-esque narrative dilemma this week: How will Spidey get out of those nutty handcuffs? Naturally, this is resolved just below the bottom of panel two, where we can’t see it, while the storyline is endlessly rehashed by characters nobody likes.

Gasoline Alley, 11/8/08

Will Slim and Clovia loot what little cash is left in their business’s accounts, then high-tail it across American on the run from their creditors and unpaid employees? I’d love to see it, if only because Slim is such a spectacular failure that he’d inevitably end up in debtors’ prison.

Pluggers, 11/8/08

Pluggers have nowhere in particular to go and nobody who wants to see them, so they might as well just sit at the barber’s for twenty minutes, or an hour, who the hell cares, at least they have old magazines to read, God, why is life so empty and meaningless.