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Hi and Lois, 4/1/08

Poor Hi! Sure, he hasn’t gotten more than a meager cost-of-living wage increase from that tightwad Froofram in years, but he’s gotten used to the lifestyle that his realtor wife’s huge commissions made possible during the go-go housing boom of the mid-naughts. Now that she hasn’t sold a house in months, Lois can only stare cross-armed at Hi’s $16 bottle of wine, knowing that it’s put a substantial dent in this month’s grocery budget. Only Sterno will help the Flagstons drink away their pain for the foreseeable future.

Judge Parker, 4/1/08

Poor Gloria! All she wanted to do was live out her lifelong fantasy of making it with a guy with no legs, but it turns out that hero Steve is not only damaged physically, but mentally as well. Sure, you can forgive a guy who had a mine planted outside of his hut and gets mysterious packages in the mail for being a little paranoid, but it’s clear that he’s going to see conspiracies in every nice gesture anyone does for him — and that he’s not ready for a relationship. Gloria will just have to console herself with her back issues of Stump Humper a little while longer.

Marmaduke, 4/1/08

One of the fun things I like to do with the comics is to come up a whole hidden backstory behind the gag-a-day features. For instance, I like to imagine that Marmaduke’s owner is actually Adolph Hitler, who faked his suicide, escaped from his command bunker to post-war American suburbia, and got a Great Dane. His former position as absolute ruler of a continent makes the petty indignities of life with Marmaduke all the more infuriating. Today, for instance, we can see on his hate-twisted fate that he would like nothing more than to send the impertinent policeman and the damn dog to a concentration camp, but as it is all he can do is wave his hand in the air and rage impotently. Is it a fitting punishment for his monstrous crimes? Not really, but it’s kind of fun to see.

Gil Thorp, 4/1/08

The “drama” of today’s strip — Gil sends hapless assistant to hush up overbearing parent, hapless assistant fails miserably — is lame even by Gil Thorp standards. Still, it’s always nice to see some Milford kids on the verge of tears.

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I know, I’m almost late for the comments of the week! But you have to hold out for another moment, ’cause I have a few other points of interest for you:

• Faithful reader yellowjkt has unveiled his annual comics competition, this year called the National Corniest Cliché Comic Character Countdown. Voting is still open in the first category, Alarming Alcoholics.
• I have for about ever been meaning to link to faithful reader One-Eyed Wolfdog’s take on the eternal “what is a plugger?” question: Some People.
• Faithful reader Jon sent me this link to an essay called Mary Worth: Erotica in plain sight. It’s every bit as disturbing as the title would suggest.
• And, finally, the Scots appear to have help for Rex Morgan’s MRSA problem. Perhaps the Heather and Milton could give him the inside track?

And now, the comment of the week you’ve been waiting for!

“I’m pretty sure, in the Funkiverse, when you move out of your parents’ house, you move directly into hospice.” –Islamorada Girl

And the hilarious runners up!

“‘Haha, no ring for you, Margo! I’m even studying with Caine’s old teacher, learning amazing, kung fu Zen powers to avoid marriage!’ You’ll need ’em, Eric. You’ll need ’em.” –Buck Ripsnort

“If Mary Worth is about to find God in the mashed potatoes, and then claim that her self-righteous, narrow-minded nosey-parkering has all been done in the name of Jesus, I’m going to introduce a class-action libel suit. As a Christian, I’ll share the blame for the Crusades and the Spanish Inquisition. But not by-God MARY WORTH.” –boojum

“I predict emotional blackmail ahead as Elly tries to guilt Liz into breaking down and wearing the family dress instead of something new that doesn’t reek of mouse urine and repressed emotions.” –Duckman30

“What is Dennis’s teacher so worried about? That he might make some puns or, god forbid, wisecracks? If Dennis is a menace he is still a poor man’s Jeffy.” –Foobar

“Who would ever have guessed that Deanna would show Lizardbreath Grannie’s moldy old dress? And it even fits perfectly! I’m so lost in all these unexpected plot twists, I just don’t know what to say. It’s like — if a tree falls in the forest and everyone already knows it will fall, does anyone actually care anymore when it happens?” –Hugin

“Using her typical selective hearing, Margo has misheard Eric’s ‘tell me all about Lu Ann’s show’ as ‘Margo, how did you get to be so amazing?’ She’s predictably excited that she gets to break out her laminated list of bullet points.” –Tats

“Gasoline Alley: Man. Non-stop ‘Hawhaw, look at th’ caw-widge boy, ain’t he funny’ humor that’ll have you rolling in the aisles, assuming you live in the 1930s and are reading the panels via some sort of century-spanning scrying techniques.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“I think ‘taking it slow’ is a Lynn Johnston euphemism for ‘oops, I’m pregnant.'” –commodorejohn

“I thought my mother got rid of my bar mitzvah suit early in 1962, when she gave it to Goodwill, but I see that Mark Trail is wearing it.” –LITTLE A. OF THE GRAND CONCOURSE JUNGLE PATROL

“Her friend’s parents said a prayer, announced that Mary was always welcome at their table, and fed her. Conflating these events, Mary now believes she is Moloch the Devourer.” –Uncle Lumpy

“The only thing that can save the MW flashback at this point is if young Mary’s life is changed by witnessing a fight between a bear and a velociraptor. And maybe the bear has a laser cannon.” –Smokehouse

“Francis looks far more satisfied with himself than a man who’s going to a bar with his mom has any right to be. He does however look exactly as satisfied as a man who can humiliate his mother by carrying her like a ball should be.” –Corkey

“On the whole RMMD MRSA thing: I thought the CDC handled stuff like that. It does seem awfully amateur. ‘Hey! My dad has a morgue! Let’s put on an investigation of a disease outbreak!'” –indrifan

“And once again, the Persuader fails to persuade someone to do something. He’s failure wrapped in a green suit and orange-striped tie.” –Inspector Dim

“Spider-Man: Panels 4-7 look like a scene from Fantastic Voyage: The Colonoscopy.” –Dean Booth of the Affect Ad Patrol

“I seriously doubt that anything interesting has ever happened to Toby. I mean, look at who she married and who her best friend is. Xanax would be redundant for her.” –Brick Bradford

“June and her nurse pal are just a little bit too smug about how well-prepared they are to fight disease. But I suppose when the MD in the strip is as blitheringly incompetent at medicine as Rex seems to be, having a gallon jug of sanitizer would feel like something to boast about.” –Trilobite

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For Better Or For Worse, 3/31/08

My wife asked me to pass on this message to Ellie, Connie, and Lynn Johnston: IF YOUR ONLY CHILD IS A SON, YOU WILL NEVER GET TO BE A MOTHER OF THE BRIDE. IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW GAY HE IS.

I have no idea what exactly this strip’s patented Foob Pun is supposed to mean. Unless it involves owning your children like barnyard animals. Then you can mate them to suit your purposes and dress them up exactly the way you always fantasized about, and you don’t have to care about what they want or think! OK, it’s beginning to make sense.

Dick Tracy, 3/31/08

The current Dick Tracy storyline, in which a sinister villain is holding a batch of prominent citizens hostage in his mansion and Dick has snuck inside the compound inside an “antique Chinese kwanxoi” (a nonsense phrase we’ve heard repeated about six dozen times at this point) is pointless and dumb. Still, I admit that I’m not immune to the charms of today’s final panel, in which Detective Tracy is slithering out of the belly of this horse like some heavily armed intestinal parasite.

Mary Worth, 3/31/08

N … no! No Toby flashback! No! In the name of all that is good and holy, NO!

It may already be too late to stop it. Still, I’m hoping that Toby’s glassy-eyed stare in panel two is not meant to indicate that she’s casting her mind back to her pre-trophy-wife childhood days, but merely that she’s all Xanax’d to the gills, as usual.

Garfield, 3/31/08

Jon is about start peeing on everything. Garfield is right to leave.