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I know I said I was going to gloss over the strips that ran during my vacation, but, you know, I had to read them, at least the ones that have continuing storylines, if I didn’t want to be totally lost, and once I started reading them, well, some of them just were really calling out for the treatment and … I know, it’s a sickness. Anyway, here, quickly, are the high points of December 23 through January 1!

Judge Parker, 12/24/07

A very gratuitous Christmas came a day early for Abbey Spencer fans. I know that when most of you ladies have a sudden, drug-induced urge to paint your study, you want to slip into something more comfortable — like a halter top and a pair of Daisy Dukes so tight that you’re actually incapable of standing up straight.

Mary Worth, 12/24/07

Chester’s real owner apparently stole him away and, unbeknownst to Mary, replaced him with a plastic replica, if his weird sitting-in-midair position in panel one is any indication.

Spider-Man, 12/24/07

Peter Parker, meanwhile, got the best gift a boy could get: A trip to prison! Oh boy!

Christmas Day usually sees some variously awkward greetings shoehorned into different strips. My two favorites from 2007 were Dick Tracy, which heralded the birth of Our Savior with a scene of a collapsing building and an excitable workingman blathering about being pelted with corpses:

…and Gil Thorp, which proudly featured a set of cramped, noseless horrors that made last year’s Christmas card look museum-worthy:

For Better Or For Worse, 12/26/07

Meanwhile, Anthony has figured out a way to make little Francie accept her new mommy: force her to watch their bland, noodly sexual congress.

Gil Thorp, 12/28/07

Gil Thorp promises to break new dramatic ground in the new year by featuring a high school-aged student-athlete who is arrogant and unpleasant! (And yet how can we hate anyone who throws around put-downs like “climb down off your dinosaur”?)

Mark Trail, 12/29/07

A terminally ill Luke Wilson said, “Don’t waste your time, Trail,” by which he obviously means “Let’s not over-stimulate your readers with any kind of action or excitement when I can just tell them all what happened and then expire quietly.” No word yet on whether Mark will punch his corpse.

Panels from Apartment 3-G, 12/30/07

Margo added another bullet point to her résumé of personal destruction: enabler!

Panel from Judge Parker, 12/30/07

Sam proved, as if we need any more evidence, that he has no intention of having sex with his wife ever again.

For Better Or For Worse, 1/1/08

And, in the first moments of 2008, April took a good, long look at Gerald’s penis. She looks troubled by what she sees.

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Mary Worth, 12/25/07

Ho ho ho, old lady! Soon your beloved new pet — the only living thing that can still stand to be around you, or the only one that can’t flee, at least — will be torn away from you and then you’ll be ALONE, ALONE, ALONE! Ha ha ha! Holiday greetings!

So, I’m back! Sad to say, I haven’t even caught up on the comics yet from my visit — I have no idea what’s going on with Chester’s Choice and the Damn Brownies and Liz and Anthony’s Half-Hearted Christmas Eve Lovemaking and OH MY GOD THE CURTIS KWANZAARAMA! I had to have my attention drawn to the Christmas Day gem above by a link on the Shortpacked! blog. Showing how much the Shortpacked/Comics Curmudgeon readerships are overlapping, here’s this random picture of Finger-Quotin’ 20th Anniversary Optimus Prime from faithful reader Stewart Dean!

Er. So, how did your Christmas go, faithful readers? Get any good loot? The comics-related elements in my haul included the awesomely named Art of Ill Will, a book on the history of political comics, which I got from my dad. More visually intriguing was the following gem:

There’s nothing better to give a young narcissist than the gift of ME! This fine portrait was drawn by cartoonist Tony Millionaire, the guy behind Maakies and Sock Monkey. Mr. Millionaire was involved in a Christmas original art swap with Alison Bechdel, of longtime Dykes to Watch Out For and more recent Fun Home fame. Ms. Bechdel, whom I met once in NYC earlier this year, said:

I kept racking my brains, trying to think of someone who’d really, truly appreciate a Tony Millionaire portrait of themselves … but to no avail. Then I was looking through my iPhoto pictures for some reason, and ran across a couple I’d taken of you at MoCCA in June. And I thought, Of course! The Curmudgeon!

My heart was extremely touched! And my head got slightly bigger! I thought I’d share this picture with you before I permanently installed it on the ceiling above my bed.

But hey, enough about me! What about your late December extravanganzae? I know for a fact that at least five of you were celebrating in style, enjoying a Comics Curmudgeon meetup in the Big Easy on December 26!

From left, that’s faithful readers Big Sims, Shannon, Non-Shannon (in Chopstick Technique gear), Bootsy (in Search Advice gear), and Trotzenbonnie (in partially obscured the Urge gear). I love this picture so much. Don’t they look like a team of superheroes in their secret identities? Or perhaps a rag-tag gang of misfits, each with a unique skill, called together to rescue the kidnapped president, or perhaps rob a high-security vault full of diamonds?

In the next picture, you can get a better look at the Urge shirt, and see that the circle at the base of the arrow does not in fact center over one’s nipple as some feared. Also, Trotzenbonnie and Shannon look awfully calm considering they’re right next to some kind of horrifying FBOFW-branded demon-eyed doll thing.

I also got the following note and picture:

Latest CNN hero Steve Peifer sends his greetings before he departs to Kenya. He’s your biggest fan in Africa. See more at CNN’s Web site. One may wonder why he is writing in third person, it’s because his amazing son is writing it!!!

No word on whether Steve is baffling the children of Kenya with his Mark Trail-themed shirt as he arranges for food to be available to them in their schools. A shout-out to you, Steve!

Also! Through means that I’m not at liberty to disclose, I am able to share with you some Christmas pictures from another Comics Curmudgeon regular. Here’s the Galactic Emperor Chennux attempting to magmacannon Chucky, the Fiber Optic Snowman.

And here his Imperial Loudness enjoys a simple Zynexian feast of potatoes and syrup prior to skxcritort deployment.

And! While I must sadly pass over most of the comics that ran while I was on vacation, I am obliged to linger over a couple of TDIETs that appeared during my absence. The first comes from an idea submitted by faithful reader HBGlord:

They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/24/07

Bonus Scadutoism: “Yo-yo-b-ba-bee-yo-y-yo”.

The second is from faithful reader Matt Brauer. I particularly enjoy the look of real anger on little Ragweed Jr. as he attempts to bludgeon his sister with a baseball bat.

Bonus Scadutoism: “kinder.”

Real comics from yours truly … tomorrow! Meanwhile, I shall let Keg of Curd rule the COTW roost until next Monday, but for now we must give thanks to our advertisers, yes we must.

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Well, faithful readers, it’s that time of year again: the time where I go on a multi-city Christmas traveling trip! Since so many folks are traveling or spending time at home and away from the Interweb this time of year anyway, I hereby give all of you the next 10 days off from reading my site. I’ll be back on January 1! Or possibly January 2. We’ll see what I feel like.

But I can’t leave you without offering the comment of the (truncated, once again) week!

“Mary Worth will seem more exciting if you hum the riff to ‘Barracuda’ under your breath as you read it. I mean this specifically with respect to the ‘two small dogs very, very gradually approaching one another’ storyline, but I suppose it would work any time.” –Keg of Curd

And, of course, there are runners up:

“On the contrary, Eric has long dreamed of a Han Solo proposition scene. It’s just that, well, he was dressed as Han and making the proposition, and Margo, his crying sister-in-law, or some random hooker was dressed as Princess Leia. The look on his face is the look of a man who’s just realized that his innermost fantasy is coming true, only it’s the wrong kind of proposition and there’s a slave girl outfit that’s just not going to wear itself.” –Jp

“Knowing nothing about football or the terms involved, I have no way of envisioning the game based on Marty’s speech. Based on the drawings, I’m going to go ahead and assume that football is another word for ‘line dancing.'” –Rhekarid

“So, um, Mark now wanders around talking to his dog and putting things he finds on the ground in his mouth? There’s people around here who do that. We call them ‘the homeless.'” –SmartPeopleOnIce

“Okay, now I get it. Remember the concern with Rex being ‘disappointed’ in Niki? Apparently meth-mom got wind that Rex was planning an overly elaborate sting for Niki in the woods. You may be thinking too overly elaborate but remember they spent about 8 months with trout metaphors.” –Sans Sense

“This is why I don’t read Marmaduke. It makes me go fetal in despair.” –The Avocado Avenger

“Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider your nephew can.” –The Waz

“MY REPORT ON SIMON KRANDIS by Spider-Man Peter, Age 30. Simon Krandis is a mean old man who lives in a big house with a guy in a green suit and orange tie. He doesn’t have any wife or kids and owns a newspaper or a TV station I think. He is big and fat and probably smells bad. One time Simon Krandis wanted to date my wife so he sent The Persuader who is the guy who keeps blowing up our delivery trucks to talk to her but she hit him with something and now hes probably all mad. I looked for him on Google but didnt find much that wasn’t some stupid blog about how bad comic strips are.” –Inspector Dim

“Obviously neither of these women have had their dogs for very long. When the dogs meet, the owners just yank on the leash, smile politely to the owners, chuckle and walk away. You do not allow the lady in heels and the tight clothing to fall down, then predictably spend the next two months fixing her life’s problems.” –Charles

“What Mary Worth is doing with her hand in panel one is wiping off a stray piece of salmon-colored lint that somehow landed on the shoulder of her more exquisitely wretched puce pantsuit. The exclamation mark she utters in panel two is surprise that a salmon-wearing harridan would dare speak to her, especially after the lint incident.” –Electro

“Normally, I wouldn’t condone using a leash to throw a dog like a yo-yo. But then, normally, it isn’t a yip dog being thrown at Mary Worth in Chairman Mao’s pajamas.” –kitty

“Pity the poor chihuahua lady, because today she has made a powerful and unbelievably petty enemy.” –Trilobite

“Peter Parker: ‘It’s tooo harrrrrrrrddddd. Waaaaaaaaaaa!’ MJ: (says something about an event important to her that, if Peter had paid any attention to what she says or does at all, he would know about) Peter Parker: ‘Huh? Nooooooo! Meeeeeeeeeeee!’ Really. Must. Stop. Reading. Spider-Man.” –Girl Reporter

Oh, and hey there! Here’s a fine picture of faithful reader Dave (of TDIET fame from earlier this week) and his son Clifford at the Baseball Hall of Fame! Dave is sporting his fine Margo Warhol shirt, which as always you can purchase for money from the Comics Curmudgeon store.

Dave also sells his own homeroasted coffee beans (you may have noticed the ads around the site). 100 percent of the money you spend on his coffee benefits the Batten Disease Support and Research Association, so check it out!

Speaking of ads, we must as ever give thanks to our advertisers:

• Have a Handmade Holiday!: Give the hottest handmade gifts this year! Totally unique hip & hot jewelry, killer ties for men, home Decor & iPod gear, unusual plushes, and more — the best gifts for our favorite people!
• Learn to draw the human figure: Acclaimed anatomy training course! Used by leading entertainment studios worldwide in 60 countries — the likes of LucasFilm, ILM, RedStorm, Midway, Blizzard. Learn to draw the human figure from your mind for illustration, comic books, manga, anime, game design, and all art fields.

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

This next bit is NOT an ad, but a genuine unsolicited recommendation! If you’re looking for a cool comic (on paper, not this Internet crap), I urge you to check out MariNaomi’s Estrus!

And finally, here’s a little talker to keep you entertained in my absence. My wife spotted a comment on a Defamer.com story about a new Catherine Keener movie featuring women living in a NYC apartment building that suggested that Keener would make a perfect Margo from Apartment 3-G. (I would bet that said commentor is almost certainly a reader of this site, but never mind that for the moment.) What current and/or former movie stars would you cast as you favorite soap strip characters? Discuss, and I’ll see you in 2008!