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You’ve had plenty of opportunities to read Mark Trail on this site. But you’ve probably said to yourself, “I wish I could see this comic strip stiffly acted out by amateurs! Nothing too long — only five or ten minutes, say — and perhaps in the context of a larger variety show setting.”

Well, sir or madam, if you live in the Baltimore area, or are willing to travel to same, your dreams are about to come true.

No, Mark, not even you and your flying fists can stop it! On Friday, November 9, and Saturday, November 10, some friends and I will be putting on Mark Trail Theater! Thrill as actual Mark Trail dialog and action is rendered into live performance on the stage! Marvel at the incredible resemblance between at least some of our actors and the characters that they will portray! Laugh at the deadpan irony as you try to sort out whether our performance is an homage, a parody, or something in between! One of us will be wearing a real live bear suit! DON’T MISS IT!

Mark Trail Theater will be but a single act within Glitterama!, a variety show put on by the Fluid Movement performance art group. If you live in or near Baltimore, you really ought to know about Fluid Movement by now, but if you don’t, Glitterama will be an excellent introduction. Other acts with which we will be sharing the stage include (but are not limited to) lion taming, torch song singing, gender bending, and black-lit poi swinging! (I have no idea what that last one means.) This is the third Glitterama show and the previous two were awesome — and they didn’t even have me in them, so this will clearly be all the better! The shows tend to be a bit racy; probably best not to bring the younger kids.

The performances will be at the Load of Fun Studios at the corner of Howard St. and North Ave. in Baltimore. The Friday show is a 8 p.m.; Saturday shows are at 7 p.m. and 10 p.m. Tickets are $10; you can buy online at Brown Paper Tickets or at the door (if you want to risk them being sold out, which you don’t, obviously).

More updates and reminders to you to attend this fabulous performance will be upcoming. Possibly including a picture of a guy in a bear suit.

Speaking of upcoming events, those of you who are going to Small Press Expo in Bethesda tomorrow (Saturday), don’t forget that I’m moderating a panel on comics stripping with Keith Knight, Ted Rall, Bill Griffith, and Nicholas Gurewitch at 12:30 p.m. Don’t miss it!

Finally, on a totally unrelated note: as you may or may not know, one of my freelance clients is a tech-related site named ITworld.com. They’re doing a gadget giveaway over there in which you can win a Swiss Army Knife with a USB flash drive built in. All you gotta do to enter is give them your e-mail address. Somebody’s got to win; why not one of you?

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Apartment 3-G, 10/12/07

I’ve got to say that I’ve been pretty disappointed in this week’s Apartment 3-G plot. With the set-up we were given, I was expecting to see either (a) Eric dumping Margo and laughing at her shattered hopes and dreams, (b) Margo berating Eric at great and colorful length for failing to propose to her when ordered to, or (c) angry, angry sex (and to be honest I was hoping for some combination of the three). Instead, we’ve had a lot of blah blah blah about Alan, a character I care about less than just about anyone in this strip — less than Gina, less than Blaze, even less than Tommie.

At least Margo’s face in panel two indicates that she’s also a bit put off by how this conversation is going. “Stretched too thin? But … does that mean you won’t let Mistress Margo put you on the rack tonight?”

Mary Worth, 10/12/07

I am, however, pleased that Vera’s creepy brother Von is back in the picture. Just when I thought that the creepy Flowers in the Attic-style hijinks were over! My guess is that the item of importance that Von has to explain to his sister involves their father’s will, out of which, you will recall, Vera was cruelly and chauvinistically cut. Von will reveal that Vera’s half of the family fortune will be hers, as long as they fulfill their father’s dying wish and marry each other. You can only protect yourself with that tennis racket for so long, Vera!

After watching Wilbur fondle his heartbroken daughter all last week, I’m really looking forward to the incestuous triangle of jealousy that will bear down on Drew with greater and greater force. Will he be able to fight off both millionaire Von of Pacific Cliffs and syndicated columnist “Ask Wendy”? Maybe he’ll need to call his own sister into the fight just to be on the safe side.

Gil Thorp, 10/12/07

OH MY GOD! Cully Vale killed a kid in a backyard wrestling simulation gone horribly wrong! And was tried as an adult for it! It’s ripped from the headlines … of newspapers on microfiche from 1999, which is when the incident this is referring to actually happened. Gil Thorp, always on the cutting edge. Anyway, I think the DA was right to prosecute Cully as an adult. For one thing, he appears to be about 27 years old. And just look at that glassy-eyed dopey smile — clearly that’s the face of a premeditated murderer. You’ve brought shame to the state of Oregon, Vale! You don’t deserve to squat awkwardly behind its flag!

By the way, the kid in the real-life backyard-wrestling murder/manslaughter/what have you case ended up getting paroled, only to be arrested later for armed robbery. I hope very much that a similar incident is integrated into the story of “Cully Vale, gentle giant”.

Herb and Jamaal, 10/12/07

“I can’t believe all of the issues in the church today” now officially joins “Wow, check out the latest on the hotel socialite! The stuff they say about her really makes you think, doesn’t it?” on this list of Things Nobody Would Ever Say At Any Time But Which Have Been Incomprehensibly Used As The Set-Up For A Joke In Herb And Jamaal.

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Gil Thorp, 10/11/07

Oh my God, wait: Oregon? Too big to hide? Need I remind you what I found when I went Google image searching on “Culver Vale”?

“Gah, I’ve got to hide somewhere … I know, I’ll hide behind this Oregon flag! Wait, you can still see me … if only I weren’t so big … too big to hide…”

Comics are submitted to syndicates weeks in advance, so as much as I’d like to believe that the creators of Gil Thorp are stealing ideas from me in some sort of insane feedback loop, I know that’s not the case. But maybe they are generating their plots out of Google image searches and free association, in which case I say: kudos, sirs, kudos.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 10/11/07

This may well be the most esoteric TDIET ever, moving the strip away from its usual petty domestic gripes and towards a world-theory of aesthetic ethics. “E. Hennenfeld” is obviously a longtime observer of Portland’s fine arts scene, and is a fierce subscriber to the vision of art as a life-encompassing construct. How dare Pistachio offer a minimalist vision in his painting that isn’t reflected in his home? Is his home not as much an artifact — and thus a work of art in a true sense — as the canvases that hang in museums? By refusing to live his artistic philosophy, he reveals himself to be nothing but a hack and a fraud. It’s heady stuff, but hey, bitter waitresses and verbally abusive husbands aren’t the only people with gripes, OK?

Curtis, 10/11/07

I don’t mean to get in the way of a good hairy feet joke, but isn’t Michelle’s whole schtick that she’s snooty and rich? She gets driven around by a chauffeur, sneers at Curtis’s plebian pizza joints, etc., etc. Surely her mother could afford health insurance, yes? Also, doesn’t one usually check into rehab because one can’t stop taking the medication, not because of the medication’s unexpected side-effects? Also … aw, the heck with it. Ha ha! Hairy feet! I know what she’s been doing with those feet.

Pluggers, 10/11/07

Good lord, Rex Morgan is a plugger! I don’t think any of us were expecting that.