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Gil Thorp, 5/5/08

Well well well, look who’s turned out to be the Mudlarks’ chief nativist! It’s Andrew Gregory, who, I feel obliged to point out, wasn’t such a law-and-order type back when he had a half-drunk Marty Moon pretending to be his father for the benefit of a state social worker. Did Marty’s attempt to teach him the importance of sticking it to the man come to naught? I guess in the A-Train’s hierarchy of faceless, dysfunctional government bureaucracies, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement gets an “honor and obey”, while Social Services rates a “go ahead and mess around with.”

I’m hoping that Marty, flush with his victory in the battle to help underaged Andrew half-competently raise his young siblings without interference from the government, decides to take on Homeland Security for Elmer’s sake. I’m imagining him wearing a huge sombrero and a poncho and spouting quasi-Spanish gibberish like “No es bueno!” and “No mas!” and “Hasta la vista, baby!” It won’t help Elmer at all, of course, but it’ll be hilarious.

Family Circus, 5/5/08

Wow, the Keane Kompound has the most boring wall calendar ever. I guess when your strict religious beliefs regard any depiction of humans, animals, or plants as sin against the Creator, all you’ve got do to entertain yourself is make up sad little stories about the names of the months.

I also question the wisdom of giving a long, pointy stick to a six-year-old, or however old Dolly is supposed to be. At least she’ll probably use it against others, not herself; if Jeffy were wielding it, it’d be buried in his eye in no time.

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 5/5/08

For reasons that I can’t quite verbalize, and hopefully don’t have to, Alan’s thought-balloon whinge in today’s Apartment 3-G was hands-down the funniest thing in the comics section today.

Spider-Man, 5/5/08

…although “Crime-fighting and the flu don’t mix” was a close second. In other developments, we learn that, in his BDSM relationship with his wife, Peter is a bottom. Nobody is surprised.

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So, last night I had put up my little Luann-Schlieffen Plan joke and was feeling kind of proud of it, when my wife came in to read the post and said, “I can’t believe you didn’t say anything about the second panel!” To be honest, my eyes had mostly just skimmed over the text of Luann’s mom’s diatribe once I felt I had the gist, but since my wife is in the sex ed biz, her more discerning eye couldn’t help but settle on the gem highlighted here:

HPV, if you don’t know, is one of the most common sexually transmitted infections. Since the DeGroots have been married for 20+ years, this worry on her part has serious implications for her fidelity, her ideas about his fidelity, or the possibility that they’re totally free and freaky swingers (I knew that something racy was going on at Kamp Kouple.)

Anyway, my wife posited that this was originally written to have her wondering about whether she should get the new HPV vaccine for Luann, and that the syndicate then rejected this as too controversial. I replied that based on Luann’s track record, we don’t have to worry about her having sexual contact with anyone anywhere anytime soon.

The strip concludes with Mrs. DeGroot kissing her husband good-bye and heading off for her mammogram, leaving the baffled Mr. DeGroot to thank God that he was born a man. Because men don’t get venereal diseases or need preventative medical care!

UPDATE: Yes, as several people have pointed out, HPV can be latent and asymptomatic for a long time; thus, Mrs. (or Mr.) DeG could have been infected in the course of their premarital sexcapades. This of course implies that they’ve had premarital sexcapades with other people, which is a sort of groundbreaking thing for the forever-arrested-in-1955 sexual morality of the comics, and makes it all the sadder that they seem grimly determined to keep their twentysomething son virginal (not that he needs much help.)

Also, it’s important to note that Mrs. DeG is obviously wearing Captain Kirk’s uniform, which she probably picked up off the floor in the aftermath of their space-quickie. And if there’s one person you’re likely to catch an STD from, it’s Captain Kirk, space-whore.

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Slylock Fox, 5/4/08

Hey, look, everybody! Cassanda Cat’s back up to her naughty tricks again! The crimes perpetrated in Slylock Fox are generally pretty small-time, but stealing a jar full of pennies from a rabbit seems particularly petty, the sort of thing one might do just to mess with someone, or perhaps to attract the attention of a certain law enforcement officer. The fact that she’s just dumping her ill-gotten gains into a well brings her contempt for the stolen property into nice focus.

(And hey! Don’t forget that you can buy Cassandra Cat stuff from the Comics Curmudgeon store!)

I also think the picture up top, with the cat and dog tending the poor toothachy kid, is very sweet. (Note: Domestic pets are not a substitute for professional dental care.)

Panel from Luann, 5/4/08

Today we learn that Luann’s dad has the same sweet little pet nickname for her mom that the British had for the Germans during World War I. I’m sure when they get amorous, she puts on one of those helmets with the big spikes on top and he begs her to “execute the Schlieffen Plan,” if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/4/08

“Hello, we’re the creative team behind Rex Morgan, M.D.! It’s come to our attention that some of you find action-packed plots about blackmail, escaped prisoners, and flesh-eating bacteria to be ‘boring’! Well, what if you were able to enjoy those same plots … but they involved sexy people in their underwear? America, get ready for Rex Morgan, M.N.! The ‘M.N.’ stands for ‘mostly naked!'”

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 5/4/08

Lately, the Sunday Apartment 3-G strips have been even more obvious rehashes of the previous week than usual, leaving me virtually no reason to ever comment on them. This panel from today’s installment caught my eye, however, when you consider its parallel from Saturday’s strip:

It’s very sad that a clean-living young man such as myself has to lecture the comics industry on this point, but: DRUG LINGO IS NOT INTERCHANGEABLE. Also, it has evolved somewhat since 1953. Please do a minimum amount of Internet research before attempting to deploy “street” talk in your comic. You’ll be glad you did.

For Better Or For Worse, 5/4/08

Ha! It’s funny because Michael hates his children, and hopes that if he ignores them they’ll go away! The second and third panels of the second row are particularly instructive; I defy you to find anyone, even among touch-typists, who types with their eyes closed. He’s obviously just hammering away at the keyboard churning out nonsense to drown out his daughter’s desperate pleas for attention.