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Apartment 3-G, 6/20/07

I’m very excited that Apartment 3-G has torn itself away from Roommate In A Coma to instead explore some queasy-making intrafamilial sexual ick. It’s becoming clear that Nora Mills, who as near as I can tell is supposed to be the widow of Eric’s brother, has clearly got a taste for Mills men that only another Mills man can satisfy. Questions remain: Is Eric’s Katy’s real father? Did Eric choose Margo as a romantic partner because she and Nora essentially look exactly alike? Will Nora and Margo settle this with icy glares and cutting remarks, fists, or shivs? Is that RING RING RING the most exciting panel-to-panel transition in Apartment 3-G history? And, what with Katy’s hair having grown back, is it possible that Margo’s party planning actually cures cancer?

Dick Tracy, 6/20/07

So Dick Tracy is onto a new baffling and anger-inducing storyline, which so far involves:

• A wizened old Baron who’s an ex-Communist spy or something
• His bizarrely leather-faced granddaughter in peril, Gretchen
• Some bewildering and totally made up post-Soviet pretend politics and intrigue
• A CIA headquarters building with a “CIA HEADQUARTERS” sign visible from miles away

None of that has been enough to rouse me to comment. However, I do have to say that I appreciate the artist’s bold choice in the third panel to focus the action squarely on Dick Tracy’s crotch.

Mark Trail, 6/20/07

Man, it’s hard to count all the things wrong with today’s Mark Trail, but let’s start with Mark’s casual posture and shit-eating grin in panel one. It says “I’m all relaxed and ready for some phone sex” and not “I just almost got killed and then spent an hour rooting around inside a duck’s intestines.” Then there’s the idea that a two-seater private plane running into a bird is somehow big enough news to travel all the way back to Lost Forest — presumably everything Mark Trail does or says is front page news in the local paper — and the fact that Mark himself didn’t bother to be the one to relay said drama to his wife. There’s the par-for-the-course emphasis problem in Cherry’s first word balloon — that should be “how are you”, not “how are you” — and someone in the syndicate has clearly bowdlerized “that whore” into “the young lady” in panel two. But mostly I’m just disturbed by Cherry’s melting nightmare of a face. PLEASE MARK DON’T MAKE HER SAD ANYMORE IT’S FREAKING ME OUT.

Mary Worth, 6/20/07

More proof that Mary and Jeff are very much not ever getting it on: if Dr. Corey Junior thought for a single moment that there was the slightest sliver of a chance that he might accidentally walk in on the two of them having sex, you can bet that he’d be knocking, very loudly.

Actually, Mary’s pretty lucky that her not-boyfriend’s son arrived when he did. Dr. Jeff really doesn’t want to go this party, and in panel one he’s pretty clearly sizing up his cane as a potential weapon.

Spider-Man, 6/20/07

In any marriage, there’s a certain amount of give and take, compromises two partners have to make so that they can both get what they want, even — or perhaps especially — when it comes to sex. Clearly the Parkers have just finished off a rousing session of healthy marital relations, and, as is their custom, they left the TV on throughout, due to Peter’s insistence on bitching at and about it at all times.

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I keep forgetting to put this picture up, and now that I look at it again, I don’t know why, ’cause it’s so awesome. Yes, that’s faithful reader Moon Mullins in his super-awesome, faithful-reader-willethompson-designed MARGO! BOXCAR! SATURN! t-shirt at this year’s Cannes film festival, under the benevolent gaze of close personal friend Morgan Freeman.

Have you worn your Comics Curmudgeon gear somewhere exciting? Send me a picture! Coming later this week: the epic tale of an epic Scrabble tournament, which involved several Comics Curmudgeon-themed costume changes.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/19/07

Every time he opens his mouth, Hugh serves as a further indictment of the English public school system, keeping in mind that in the crazy mixed-up world on the other side of the pond “public” means “private and very, very exclusive.” At whatever posh boarding school he went to, he clearly didn’t pay very close attention in Introduction To Talking To The Lower Orders So That They Can Almost But Not Quite Tell That You Hold Them In Contempt.

The last two day’s worth of this soap opera strip actually achieve something that most gag-a-day strips flop at, which is good timing. Yesterday, June curtly informed Hugh that she was in the medical business but wasn’t a doctor; clearly he’s been standing in the doorway, gears grinding in his blond, mop-topped head, trying to get his mind around the concept, before he amusingly stumbles in and continues the thought in panel three.

Crock, 6/19/07

I have long been concerned about the Desert Sage’s home, which I think is supposed to be a cave but is always depicted as the same unnatural bright yellow as the rest of Crock’s desert setting. It’s as if he’s living in a sand castle, one with an entrance so large as to render the whole thing structurally impossible. Today is the first time I can remember seeing this hovel from the back, which makes it clear that it’s really about the size of a single person; it also appears to only be about forty feet from the Foreign Legion fortress, which sort of takes away a little of the Sage’s isolated hermit mystique. On the other hand, given how tiny his sand castle/cave/whatever it is, it’s probably for the best that he can just go knock on the Legionnaires’ door when he has to use the bathroom.

Mark Trail, 6/19/07

There’s something heartbreakingly tender about the Mark’s facial expression and the way he’s cradling that dead duck. It’s as if he’s saying, “Gosh, you sure were a noble and beautiful creature! If things were different, you’d be flying free, a gorgeous bird up in the sky! I’m going to give you the dignified funeral you deserve, just as soon as I finish tearing open your torso and poking around inside your digestive tract.” Frankly, I expected that when he found the duck he’d immediately start punching the corpse and shouting “WHERE ARE SAM’S EYES? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH SAM’S EYES?”

And yes, as many of you have pointed out, that “female” mallard clearly has male markings. Can anyone who gets this strip in the paper tell us if the coloring is implied in black and white, or was added later by non-animal-loving colorists?

Family Circus, 6/19/07

The Family Circus children are always unnaturally small, but the trend has reached a really disturbing point today. Either Jeffy is only eighteen inches from head to toe or Grandma is a terrifying giant. Either way, she can probably just crush him like a mosquito with her book if he keeps nattering on like this.

Mary Worth, 6/19/07

From: Dr. Jeff Corey <jefffcorey3@yahoo.it>
To: {undisclosed recipients}
Subject: EXPECTING YOUR REPLY

My name is Dr Jeff Corey ,”special friend” to Mary Worth, widower to Jack Worth, accountant of REPSOL PETROLEUM AND GAS company in Equatorial Guinea. I am 69years old, suffering from long time cancer of the prostate. From all indications my condition is really deteriorating and it’s quite obvious that I won’t live more than expectations according to my doctors.This is because the cancer stage has gotten to a very bad stage. I want your pity but i need your trust.

My “special friend” is wealthy from her husbands ill-gotten gains and has allowed me to manage her finances,but she only spends the money on cravats and pool parties,she does not care about the poor or needy.The doctor has advised me that I will not live for more than few months, so I have now decided to use my access to her accounts to spread all her wealth, to contribute mainly to repairing CLEFT PALATES in VEITNAM.

Before my “special friend’s” late husband died he was a major oil tycoon as I said,and deposited the sum of US$14,000,000.00( Fourteen million dollars) in one of the Security Finance Firm in the Netherlands. i need you to collect this funds and distribute it according to the God wishes and for charity . so that when i die my soul can rest in peace, instead of being doomed to hell like my “special friend”.

The funds will be entirely in your hands and management; i beg you to send them to “peace village hanoi” in VEITNAM. i hope God givesyou the wisdom to touch many lives,that is my main concern. 20% of this money will be for your time and effort,while 80% goes to charity. So if you know you can assist me then forward to me immediately the following informations to my email (drjeffc0rey@yahoo.es): FULL NAMES AND ADDRESS, PRIVATE PHONE, YOUR NATIONALITY, OCCUPATION, AGE and your Marital Startus.

May God bless and protect you always.
Dr. Jeff Corey

They’ll Do It Every Time, 6/19/07

Curmudgeon domination of TDIET continues! This one comes from faithful reader Dan B. “Hoo-ray for generalizations!” he says.