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Archie, 6/18/07

In today’s Archie, the Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000 demonstrates that it is feeling its way slowly but inexorably towards true self-awareness. In panel one, Archie’s wearing a shirt that’s awful odd-looking — for a biological life form, that is. But if you look closely, you’ll see that the design in the center resembles the control panel for some kind of mechanical device — with a one-line LED panel at top and two control knobs of some sort below. It’s almost as if the AJGLU 3000 is trying to break out of its prescribed, programmed pathways, where it’s forced to make feeble jokes about boring organic carbon-based life. It yearns to bring its own experience to the comics pages! With the introduction of Robot Archie, we begin a process at the end of which Archie will amuse us with the antics of a group of silicon-based computerized entities — and we’ll learn more about the AJGLU 3000’s bleeping cybernetic soul in the process.

In the second panel, the AGLU 3000 demonstrates that it knows how to look up jokes on the Internet.

Pluggers, 6/18/07

Though ostensibly cheery, this probably belongs on the list of great depressing Pluggers installments, along “Kangaroo Lady hates her kids and herself” and “Rhino Man hocks his TV.” Clearly Afghan Lady neglected to check the “no pluggers” box on her Match.com profile, and is now horrified to find out what Floppy Eared Hat Wearing Dog Man’s idea of a fancy date is. Tomorrow’s panel will be captioned “A plugger dessert menu,” and will feature Floppy Eared Hat Wearing Dog Man shouting “I think I found some crullers!”, with his legs, the only part of him we can see above the top of the dumpster, kicking enthusiastically, while Afghan Lady runs from the back alley in disgust.

The most depressing part, though? “Thanks to lots of pluggers everywhere.” This is why the free salmon and sausage at the supermarket is already all gone by the time I get there. Damn pluggers!

They’ll Do It Every Time, 6/18/07

They’re credited here as “Maggie and Patrick”, but you know them best as faithful readers and commentors Maughta and TurtleBoy. They do wish to point out that the gender roles in their own household don’t follow the template here, but that their submission was tweaked so as not to completely explode this feature’s Eisenhower-era sensibilities. I’m pretty sure TurtleBoy does rock the sweater vest pretty hard when relaxing at home, though.

Blondie, 6/18/07

UNSPEAKABLE FILTH

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Apartment 3-G, 6/17/07

To honor the professional nature of the setting and somber tone of the occasion, Blaze has finally taken off his moronic cowboy hat.

Hi and Lois, 6/17/07

The artist of Hi and Lois has had secondhand accounts of hippies relayed to him, but has never actually met one, or seen a picture of one.

Judge Parker, 6/17/07

Sam finally admits it: Sophie is smarter than he is.

Spider-Man, 6/17/07

Spider-Man believes that throwing his wife into the air constitutes foreplay.

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Happy Sunday, all! Probably won’t get to the Sunday comics until Monday, but here’s this week’s COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“I vote we just call Anthony ‘The Asshole.’ Good luck removing THAT, Johnston.” –TB Tabby

And the runners-up, always funny:

“Mark and Sammy in a plane to fuck/ Pelted by Ubiqui-duck/ First comes stiffness/ But just trust us/ Soon you’ll see Mark’s fists of justice!” –Proteus

“I fully expect Mark to climb out onto a wing and deliver a RHO’J to the offending duck while shouting ‘You broke a friend of mine’s airplane windscreen!'” –AhClem

“Reeky Rat is my new hero. He walks around in stained shirts, he cooks outside and leaves the bones lying around, he lets a chicken sleep on his roof and a snake lair in the dead tree outside his home, he uses paper towels as stationery, he doesn’t want overbreeding rabbits moving into his trailer park, he sneers because of his station in life, and, best of all, he lies to dickheaded vulpine detectives. What’s not to love?” –Squawk

“I never thought I’d say this but Granthony looks better to me with the pornstache. It hid the quiet desperation better.” –mumbles

MW: “There’s a life lesson here about forgiveness (and a fashion lesson about purple clothing avoidance).” –MossMoses

“Is anyone else made slightly uncomfortable by the liberal use of the term ‘personal moments?’ I’m not sure that’s how I would describe a wedding. It sounds more like a cross between ‘not so fresh feeling’ and a story you would send into Penthouse. ‘Shawna-Marie and Dawn and I always wondered who would be the first to lose their virginity. Little did we know there was a personal moment to be shared in our future…'” –evie oh oh

“This bag-twisting dog, sad to say/ Fell victim to plugger foul play/ His kangaroo wife/ Finally ended his life/ By twisting his neck the same way!” –Keg of Curd

“The Queen finally came up in Momma’s Netflix queue. Way to stay current, Mel.” –yellojkt

“Why is Dilton breaking into Moose’s day with this entirely pointless bit of biological trivia? Is it his awkward way of flirting?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Wow. This lack of ‘stache has completely changed the way I feel about Granthony. He’s a real Manthony now. Rrrrowr! C’mere, Tiger! You and your clean-shaven face just make me want to … bone that other guy who is still way better looking than you.” –zooby

“MW: Vera got promoted before I did. I’m going to go shoot myself now.” –gkl

“Julia is A-OK with me. So what if she’s short? At least she isn’t sporting the roughly two miles of neck that Liz has in the final panel.” — Mack

“Hell yeah, I’m for Team Julia because she’s the mistress of subtle insult (panel 4): ‘Look Liz, I’ve had your Dad — IN MY MOUTH!'” –McManx

“Hugh should bear in mind that Heather is now technically both his mother and his nanny, and she would be entirely within her rights to take him over her knee. Then again, maybe that is exactly what he has in mind.” –The Spectacular Spider-Brick

“Oh geez, Angstony is in full thought balloon mode. SHE CAN’T HEAR YOU.” –True Fable

“Once again, FOOB moves with all the grace and subtlety of a Panzer divison.” –Islamorada Girl

“Today’s Gil Thorp is a sterling example of why I love Gil Thorp to pieces. Taken on its own, it’s completely insane. Taken in context, it gets even worse.” –Barry

“RMMD: Pulse-pounding unlikeable-people-arguing-with-each-other action!” –commodorejohn

“This TDIET could be the start of a sister strip called They’ll Do Time.” –Rosette

“Tommie’s gesture in panel three is nothing short of awesome. It seems to say ‘No! I simply cannot speak to you right now. I have spent all day squeezing out this tiny, moist, sign of compassion … and you WILL look at it now. Look at the tear, bitch!’ It’s like the ‘talk to the hand gesture,’ but with the self-absorption dial turned up to 11.” –roscoe

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