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Spider-Man, 8/14/07

You sort of get the feeling that the final panel is taking place in the Shocker’s tiny studio apartment, and we’re about twenty minutes into this. “Wait, hold on … ‘Look out, world — here comes the Shocker!’ Hmmm … no, I think that’s too much emphasis on the name, sounds egotistical. How about this? “Look out, world … heeeeere’s … the Shocker!’ No, God damn it, that’s derivative and corny. Stupid! So stupid! I’m never going to get this right!”

God bless faithful reader Tabby, who a while back posted a link to the Shocker’s character page at SpiderFan.org. Here are some delicious excerpts:

Real Name: Herman Schultz
Known Confidants: None
Education: Unknown, but probably a high school education
Strength Level: Normal human strength
Powers: None
Limitations: The Shocker has had severe problems with self-doubt.

Ha ha! No powers, no confidants, no super-powers, normal human strength, maybe a high-school diploma, and crippling self-doubt! Truly the creative team dipped deep into the reserves and found the perfect villain for the newspaper iteration of the Spider-Man mythos.

Mark Trail, 8/14/07

Boy, the ladies sure can’t get enough of Mark Trail! And who can blame them, what with his rugged good looks, corpse-like pallor, propensity for violence and vigilantism, disinclination to use contractions, and total disinterest in sex? Sam sure is keen to get with this hunky hunk of man-hunk: she’s even willing to go back to Lost Forest to have a three-way with his disturbing-looking wife while his hideously ugly son takes pictures.

By the way, for those of you who don’t remember the beginning of this interminable storyline, “clean up places that attract birds” is, no fooling, a euphemism for “pave over wetlands so that birds can no longer breed there.” Also, I’m reasonably sure that we’ve seen this spread-eagled squirrel before; a shiny virtual penny to whomever can discover him in the archives.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/14/07

OH MY GOD! ALAN HARRINGTON! THAT’S … wait, are we supposed to know who that is? Damn it, what was the point of introducing us to all those loser board members if the suspect wasn’t even memorable enough to remember?

Apartment 3-G, 8/14/07

COMICS COLORING COURSE, FINAL EXAM:

Q. OK, so you’ve got two characters in your soap opera strip. Both are male, white (of course! Ha ha!) 30s/40s-ish. Both are sandy-haired. So far you’ve managed to avoid having them appear in the strip at the same time, but now narrative logic demands that they meet. What do you do, hotshot? What do you do?

A. Yellow! Very, very yellow!

Eric Mills obviously had the same reddish hair color as Alan as recently as two weeks ago, but it’s worth noting that, when he was introduced last summer, his hair was black. Personally, I think that the process of dating (or “dating”) Margo is slowly but surely sucking the life essence out of him. His hair will be completely white by the end of the year.

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For Better Or For Worse, 8/13/07

Look, I love bacon cheeseburgers. And I adore tuna casserole. And my diet is pretty dodgy, and errs in the direction of the greasy, as those two previous declarations would indicate. And even I’m kind of appalled by today’s FBOFW. It never really occurred to me that these would be two great tastes that go great together, possibly because of some residual instinct of self-preservation. And if I did choose to combine these artery-clogging treats in a single meal, I probably wouldn’t make burgers that were literally the size of dinner plates. I don’t want to judge. But I guess that’s what I’m doing.

You’ll note that despite Ellie’s good mood, there’s a tear running down her cheek in panel two. My guess is that her circulatory system is weeping in anticipation of its coming suffering. Also, sadder than any other aspect of this paean to cholesterol is the look of pure unmediated joy on John’s face in the final panel. It’s as if he’s finally discovered a reason to live again — one that will kill him in short order, ironically.

One Big Happy, 8/13/07

OBH’s mom is caught in a moment of repose in panel one. And by “repose”, I mean “utterly soul-sapped exhaustion,” obviously. The look on her face and her body language pretty much say, “Please, God, take me now so I never have to deal with my children’s ADHD-driven antics again.” Thus, the dire violence on tap in panel four is, if still probably against the law, at least well set up in the strip’s narrative.

Apartment 3-G, 8/13/07

Yesterday’s encounter between Alan and Jones the beatnik, in which the latter opined that he “might have just what you want”, followed by today’s episode, in which Alan claims to have been “riding high” and now needs to start making “amends”, all combine to imply one thing: we’re going to get an “Alan the recovering substance abuser” storyline written entirely in scarcely veiled code and innuendo, apparently to shield the bluehairs who fainted in droves during Mary Worth’s Tommy the Tweaker storyline. Look for Alan to have a meaningful conversation with Lu Ann in which he claims to have “thrown out all of his ‘junk'” and to be “no longer interested in ‘riding the white lion,'” winking at her all the while, then saying “wink” aloud to reinforce his point.

Family Circus, 8/13/07

The way Grandma is nervously fidgeting with her collar implies that Dolly is more of a threat than her short stature and low IQ would suggest. “People who don’t hang up all of my art get the CORNFIELD!”

Luann, 8/13/07

“Um, yeah! Totally different reasons! Ha ha ha ha ha!” [45 seconds of increasingly uncomfortable silence]

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Shoe, 8/12/07

Sunday’s Shoe is the latest in an occasional series I like to call “Jokes that hint distastefully at the Perfesser’s sex life.” The throwaway panel features a pointless statement about “eyes being well-rested” (one usually only talks about resting one’s eyes if one is a late-middle-aged uncle claiming not to be napping) that only serves to set up a punchline making hay from the Perfesser’s tendency to ogle women so blatantly that it makes them uncomfortable. Later, we get an extended riff that hints broadly at impotence, always a non-stop laugh riot, and then goes further by drawing a connection between the ability to achieve an erection and the ability to sit passively on the couch and receive hundreds of channels of mind-numbing, lowest-common-denominator entertainment. At least panel four can be enjoyed on its own because it looks looks like the Perfesser is contemplating jumping to his death.

Hi and Lois, 8/12/07

Gosh, Lois, those are good questions! Why is it that when it comes to this vacation, all the “good” parts for your kids involved “suffering” or “pain” or “humiliation”? Or “all of the above”? What would make them “enjoy” those sorts of experiences? Let’s ask someone who might have an “idea” about that:

Ouch, the truth hurts! Which is just how the Flagston kids like it.

Finally, Sunday’s Crock’s throwaway panel tells you pretty much all you need to know about the strip’s politics:

Equal rights, you say? Oh..oh indeed!