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Mary Worth, 6/7/07

You know those people who say, “Oh, I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself when I retire!” I am not one of those people. I am basically lazy. Thus, if I had been cast out of my enormous mansion in Pacific Cliffs, and forced to live in a filthy tenement and get an archaic job like “typist” at an ad agency to survive, and then moved into a sublet at a soulless condo complex next door to Mary Worth and that was a step up — well, even if the experience did make me stronger, I might consider myself to be strong enough to go back to the lap of luxury when the opportunity presented itself, is what I’m saying.

On the other hand, if this strip has any desire to tone down the Flowers in the Attic vibe, panel two is NOT HELPING. Could the lap of luxury come at too high a price? I’d have to find out exactly how much luxury we’re talking about here before I make that call.

Hi and Lois, 6/7/07

Today’s Hi and Lois takes on the tough issue of twin-on-twin violence. I have to say that I’m actually a little creeped out by the way Ditto is slowly and deliberately rolling up the sleeve on his punchin’ arm, while Dot stands a few feet away, cringing in terror, but not fleeing. Fortunately, mom is on the case, making sure that Ditto merely humiliates and degrades his sister verbally.

For Better Or For Worse, 6/7/07

So, um, did I totally misidentify Shawna-Marie way back in 2005, or have she and her entire family switched races, as in the hilarious ’80s comedy Soul Man?

Also, it does seem kind of strange to try to switch your processional at the rehearsal, but, hey, if your mother is a terrifying control freak (I believe they call her the “black Mira Sobinski”), I can see how the prospect of confronting her might be kind of anxiety-inducing. On the other hand, they may not be actually at the rehearsal; according to the first panel, they’re just “go[ing] over the rehearsal.” That’s right, this is the wedding rehearsal rehearsal, people. After all, you want the rehearsal to go off smoothly, don’t you? Of course you do. I’ll tell you this: at the real rehearsal, Shawna-Marie will smile and rehearse with grace and dignity, and not spend all her time mouthing off about that rock-and-roll hippity hop music.

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So, uh … uh … well, just here it is DO NOT CLICK UNLESS YOU ARE VERY COMFORTABLE WITH WHATEVER FEELINGS IT WILL INSPIRE AND ARE NOT AT WORK

It’s incredibly detailed, I’ll just say that.

Update: Link removed at the request of (no, really) Slylock Fox artist Bob Weber, who was actually pretty cool about the whole thing. Get your rocks off elsewhere, Cassandra Cat lovers!

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Apartment 3-G, 6/6/07

“And now … CHOKE … SOB … she needs me more than ever and I’m too self-absorbed!”

Tommie’s level of self-absorption is actually fairly impressive, considering how boring she is. I mean, Margo is pretty into herself, but we’re all into her too, so it sort of makes sense.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/6/07

The sad thing is that this game of misery one-upmanship is what passes for flirting in Funky Winkerbean. At least nobody’s thrown up on anybody yet.

Mark Trail, 6/6/07

The sad thing is that this dialog — which, I’m pretty sure, is what you’d get if you gave a thousand monkeys a thousand typewriters and tried to have them reproduce the horse-racing scene from The Big Sleep — is what passes for flirting in Mark Trail. At least he isn’t starting things off with a game of “Got your nose!”