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Apartment 3-G, 2/13/08

Yes, what must he think of you, Lu Ann? Since last we saw your art opening was actually in progress, and “meanwhile” you’re moping around Apartment 3-G, I’d imagine that he’s thinking something like this:

“God damn it, where is that moron? It’s not like these profoundly mediocre fern paintings are going to fly off the walls by themselves; since Margo has gone out of her way to make the show all about Lu Ann and her ghostly inspiration, the least she can do is come down here and sell this crap. She’d better be wearing something low-cut, too, that can only help. I swear to God, I — hey, there’s my connection! Gotta run!”

For Better Or For Worse, 2/13/08

Amusing as it is to see toddler Elizabeth wandering around with a toilet on her head (all the better to prepare for a life of being crapped on by Anthony! Har har!), I’m even more tickled by Ellie’s opening sentence, which sort of implies that her mother worries that she in fact does not plan to potty-train her daughter, but will rather allow her to go through life urinating and defecating in her pants whenever the mood strikes. “We were going to train Lizzie, mom, but you saw what a jerk Michael turned into after we did it. I swear, it’s too bad Freud isn’t alive; he’d have a field day with what learning to poop in a bowl did to that kid’s personality. We figure a lifetime of changing diapers will be a small price to pay.”

Gil Thorp, 2/13/08

“…starts muscling Andrew Gregory…”

“A slick back-door cut…”

“…shakes loose underneath…”

You know, some days this stuff pretty much just writes itself.

Family Circus, 2/13/08

“There’s only one way to figure this out — I’m going to pee on his head!”

OK, that … that was probably unforgivable. But why did they draw Billy fumbling with his fly if they didn’t want me to make this joke, huh? Why? Why do you tempt me, O Family Circus?

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Spider-Man, 2/12/08

Say, have you ever wondered what it would have been like if Casablanca ended not with Rick shooting Major Strasser and Captain Renault covering up for it, but with Rick hitting him in the back of the head and barely knocking him unconscious, after which the two of them just jauntily walk off to enjoy their last few hours of freedom before being sent to a concentration camp? Well, today’s Spider-Man is for you, sort of!

This is not to say that Spider-Man is a Nazi, as my scenario would imply. The Nazis may have been the most evil regime in history, but at least they did stuff. If all Hitler did was sit around watching TV and complaining about the Jews and their terrible sitcoms, the world would be a much better place.

Marmaduke, 2/12/08

Since there’s no way an actual plunger could be holding a bone in place like that, I’m going to guess that the problem found by Aace Plumbing is that Marmaduke’s family’s “plunger” is actually a ghastly trophy made out of a human femur. Possibly the femur of the last plumber who got too nosy.

Gil Thorp, 2/12/08

Well, now we know: Andrew Gregory is Tyler Jay with a longer head. The spit-curl resemblance is really uncanny; perhaps this is the haircut assigned to all new mentally unbalanced Gil Thorp characters. In panel two, the A-Train actually appears to be literally unbalanced as well, covering up his inability to stand up straight with his usual demented patter.

Judger Parker, 2/12/08

For those of you not following along with Judge Parker at home (and really, who could blame you if you aren’t), Gloria is giving Sam a more or less accurate recap of the story of How Steve Lost His Legs, as told to her by Steve in detail, which recounting we saw in this very comic strip mere days ago. I look forward to seeing Sam tell Abbey next week, who’ll tell Biff Dickens, who’ll tell his wife, and so an and so forth. It’ll be like a game of telephone, only this is Judge Parker, so it’ll be a boring game where the information doesn’t get changed in the retelling.

Garfield, 2/12/08

Comics in which Garfield drolly remarks on his sodomization by ice-cold thermometers = comedy gold. I’m totally serious about this.

Mark Trail, 2/12/08

yes bears bears bears bears RISE UP AND DEVOUR YOUR HUMAN OPPRESSOR, MY URSINE FRIEND

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Hey kids! COTW time, but two items real quick-like first:

• I keep meaning to link to faithful reader True Fable’s 2007 Bee Grinding Awards in the forums. Read and heed, and contribute your own best of 2007!
• If this news story is any indication, things in the Milford High athletics department have gone badly off the rails. Will this finally get Coach Thorp fired? (Thanks to faithful reader Paul for the tip.)

And now, without further ado … the comment of the week!

“Just be glad Billy’s touching Jeffy’s threehead and not his threeskin.” –SpiffBereft

And the runners-up!

“Thank you, Michael, for making me feel like a great parent compared to you, even though I don’t have kids. Have fun with the bleeding and screaming.” –Poteet

“‘You’re not hungry, you’re bored!’ Yeah, sorry Dad, we were just reading your book.” –Poewar

“Steve Bryant’s Gil Thorp is edgy and excellently executed, but it just doesn’t scream ‘Milford’ like the artwork currently ripped straight from the pages of the 1968 Sears and Roebuck catalog. It would be like replacing crash test dummies with real people in the automotive safety laboratories: as long as Gil and Kaz are using mannequins on the court, no real people will be injured in the making of the strip.” –Pastor Z

“I think ‘doodle date’ is supposed to be a play on the phrase ‘due date,’ which just makes it sound like only the pregnant comic artists are retiring. Crankshaft would probably be in favor of that, what with hating both women and children.” –jules

“So, lemme see if I’ve got this: Rex has slid into a hole. He doesn’t want to move out of it and now wants Nikki to do all of the work. Nikki has to communicate what he wants and Rex expects others to join them. Yeah, the strip is exactly where I expected it to be.” –Dingo

“I was thinking that Rex had fallen into some kind of cave or mineshaft or something serious like that. By the look of things today, he’s not even in a hole. He’s standing on level ground at the bottom of a gentle slope barely higher than his head. I would throw this tree branch down for him, but I’m using it to suspend my disbelief.” –Joe Btfsplk

“At least Curtis still goes to school, unlike certain comic strip teachers. Apparently the last time Liz Patterson actually taught was also on a Sunday, though that was probably because it was the only day she could squeeze into her busy schedule of staring blankly as she acquiesced.” –off-model

“Today’s Mary Worth uses very clear foreshadowing to indicate that our Drew will plummet over the side of that embankment. If there’s anything I’ve learned from years of reading Mary Worth, it’s that foreshadowing never leads to anything unless it’s really painfully, painfully obvious. Tomorrow, Drew will just be driving somewhere else, complaining about his love life to himself in a neverending soliloquy, maybe stopping to get gas or eat some pie. If we were meant to remember that Aldo died here, we’d first have seen Mary or Tobey or someone standing right there, pointing and saying, ‘This place here is where Aldo Kelrast died, driving off this here embankment here.’ And this would have taken three weeks.” –Bunnë, Official Comic Execrator

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