Comment of the Week

My little friend is not so little anymore, Toby! In fact, she's quite large! Enormous, in fact! Nine foot six and getting taller by the day! It's actually quite alarming! We're getting into I'm a Virgo territory here! Did you watch that miniseries, by the way? It was on Amazon Prime a couple of years ago! Jharrel Jerome is a treasure! Some great performances by Elijah Wood and Walton Goggins as well, which reminds me that I need to start my Justified rewatch. Oh, Margo Martindale is another treasure, especially as a voice in BoJack Horseman. Anyway, Olive is a giant, is the point I'm trying to make.

els

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Without further ado: This week’s Comment Of The Week is:

“Kelly is going to make sure ‘The Snake’ gets put away in a nice secure place, if you know what I mean. Plus she’s going to have sex with Ricky. Just wanted to make that clear.” –Donald The Anarchist

And the runners-up (also very funny):

“Man, this Margo/Eric thing can only end in tears. And blood. Eric’s blood.” –Hippocrass

“Is it just me, or is Peter Parker learning more about the meaning of ‘exposition’ than ‘Catch-22?’ And is it just me, or is he not really learning the meaning of ‘Catch-22’ at all?” –GG

“(DT)GT: Oh, my GOD! What in HELL is HAPPENING!? It MUST be HIDEOUS! I’d WONDER, but I DON’T CARE!!!” –Mibbitmaker

“Were I not already gay, Mary Jane’s Marvella costume would be enough to put me off of women forever.” –Teenage Bamm-Bamm

“We will always have Family Circus, because like a demon from the pits of hell, you cannot really kill it. It will simply come back, stronger than it was before and even more ravenous for the souls of the innocent and just.” –Mikel

Funky Winkerbean has walked way too far out on the platform of despair for any ‘jokes’ to ever work again. It’s kind of like if a Dostoevsky novel tried to make light of the fact that everyone was drunk.” –bup

“The Home Depot® thing is skeevy, but Big Papa DeGroot trying to reclaim his lost masculinity via power tools is terrif. The guy’s got what he apparently thinks is a fixer-upper on his hands, and the first thing he goes out and buys is … a router. If this doesn’t end with Dad electrocuted and Brad at the business end of a nail gun, then Evans isn’t even trying.” –Michael

“Thanks to Mark Trail and Slylock Fox, I can use the phrase ‘beaver overlap’ without sounding like some bizarre pornography formalist.” –Eleven

“Granthony emits negative pheromones. I can smell them from here.” –Sheilagh

“To me, Anthony is the Monday morning wasted in an unnecessary three-and-a-half-hour meeting featuring a droning boss and a tableful of people trying to stay awake. He’s the temp job that required me to go through old musty incomprehensible files and dump most of them. He’s the wilting leftover salad that I ate because it shouldn’t be thrown out. He’s the time when I was ten that my parents visited their friends and their friends’ kids turned out to have almost nothing in common with me and my sibs, and we all still had to spend the day together. He’s the stale tea that I forgot about in the microwave. He’s the third load of laundry. He’s the email message that I don’t want to have to answer. He’s the solidified slush on the windshield that I don’t want to have to chisel off. Anthony’s one redeeming feature is that he doesn’t exist. Were he a real person, I would feel obliged to show a little basic human decency and try to conceal my feelings. But because he’s fictional, I’m free to hate him. I’m free to have FUN hating him. I’m free to join and converse with others who ALSO hate him. I don’t have to keep it to myself.” –Poteet

“Mom-to-be is on the event horizon of a black hole of degradation and madness. In a normal universe she would leave shaking her head at this Impending Baby Bacchanalia, but since Funky Winkerbean is more like 1920s Germany, she will doubtless have a S/M tryst with the stripper where undue focus will be placed on her stump.” –Concerned Citizen

“Do they sell MedicAlert bracelets that say ‘If taken to hospital, please give me a room in the no-bears-allowed section’? Because if they do, it looks like I need one.” –gump worsley

“As someone once pointed out, we at least gotta give the Phantom some props for an occasional superhero-ish type action sequence. If this were Spider-Man, the Phantom would have watched the crash on TV while he was out at the local JungleMart. If this were Gil Thorp, we wouldn’t see the crash at all. Elrod would have drifted off a while ago and started drawing freaky ginormous jungle fauna; in Mary Worth, the Doorman and the pilot would be going over the preflight checklist for a couple more weeks. And if it were Funky Winkerbean, the plane would have crashed into a school for blind orphan puppies. All things considered, I think we got off easy.” –SmartPeopleOnIce

“Josh, when you title something ‘Beard Patrol’ and it’s not about June Morgan, I get all confused.” –Marion_Delgado

“Also, God help me, but I actually found today’s Pluggers to be sorta vaguely amusing. It’s times like this I’m glad I don’t keep a firearm in the house.” –fillmoreeast

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/3/06

I see that Rex Morgan has broken down and introduced its first black character since January. Of course, he’s a drug dealer. I like the fact that, even in the midst of a causal business-related discussion with one of his employees, he’s flashing a gang sign — because he’s that hardcore about being a gangsta. Even though we can’t see his hands in the final panel, I’d like to belive that he’s maintaining that gang sign as his lab goes up in flames. Because he’s that hardcore.

Meanwhile, June’s hit the nicey-nice trough of her emotional roller-coaster ride. As a result, Niki’s starting to warm up to her, but since her reflexes aren’t so hair-trigger at this point in her cycle of psychosis, he should really be using this opportunity to flee. That’s what Rex does.

Family Circus, 12/3/06

A commentor with some kind of inside track on the funnies posted a link to this earlier this week, but I still wasn’t emotionally prepared to see Billy’s monstrous peyote-fueled nightmare in living color in the paper. I think I’m most disturbed by Daddy: everyone else at least gets a human head on an animal body, but the horrifying combination of the man’s face with the prehensile trunk and huge, drooping ears nearly sent me over the edge. I do kind of feel bad for PJ, who has to be a feeble, hapless infant even in this twisted Dr. Moreau-esque hellscape.

Spider-Man, 12/3/06

You know, MJ and Doc Ock’s semantic “web-crawler” vs. “wall-crawler” vs. “web-spinner” debate is the most exciting conflict this strip has seen in, well, ever. If the city is going to be held at bay for the next six weeks by further argument along this line, I for one am willing to accept that.

Mark Trail, 12/3/06

You know, I … I had always assumed that pirates were the pirates of the sea. Call me crazy.

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Judge Parker, 12/2/06

It’s been repeatedly noted by many of you that the whole Randy-Parker-runs-for-judge story line in Judge Parker (which insanely enough has been brewing along in one form or another since October of 2005) has featured a lot of hue and cry over something that nobody anywhere cares about — which is to say, an election for judge. I like to consider myself a fairly informed voter — I actually spent some time this year volunteering for a candidate for the state legislature, not exactly a high-profile office — and I have never, ever encountered a judicial election in which I understood the issues or personalities involved in the least. But I was willing to cut all the improbable campaign antics in Judge Parker a bit of slack: after all, everyone we’ve seen talking about the election was actually involved in one of the campaigns, and those people always care a great deal about what they’re doing, even if nobody else does.

But as Reggie, his inept consigliere Roy, and drunken, vomitous wife Celeste hit the media scrum and the courthouse today, I officially stopped suspending my disbelief. The only reason these TV reporters would be there to cover Reggie Black filing his papers would be if the people of Judge Parker live not in modern America, but in some other civilization, where judges are actually the absolute rulers. The only such society I know of is that of the ancient Hebrews, before Samuel anointed Saul king and set up a monarchy. So there you have it, folks: despite what the clothes and buildings might imply, Judge Parker takes place in Old Testament times. Raju was actually a visiting Tyrian. Mimi’s “Eon” cult was actually a nest of Ba’al worshippers. Neddy and Sophie are actually slaves that Sam captured in battle against the Moabites. And pretty soon we’re going to come see the Philistines burn the down the entire city, which should be pretty awesome.

The other possibility is that the press is all there to cover some sensational gangland triple-homicide trial, and that Reggie is actually being totally sincere in panel two.

One Big Happy, 12/2/06

“Yeah, Ruthie, ever since you and Joe came along, your father and I don’t get to go Mattressland much anymore.”